Thursday, December 30, 2010

So Tired

I am so so so so so tired this morning
I havent been sleeping well for the past week i keep waking up during the night and finding it hard to get back to sleep,
though last night started off good, i went to bed at 8pm and i didn't wake up until Daniel started to give me a back rub cos he woke up horny,

So i done the good wife thing and gave him sex even though i didn't want it, then it took me forever to get back to sleep, mind you its 1am at this point (when he woke me up) then deacan started on and off though i didnt go in and get him up cos he was just whining though he got up at 4am though fell back asleep on his bottle

I think today after i drop the kids at daycare i will come home and go back to bed..... or ill do the house work, then sleep

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Daniel & I

Well i guess this post has been a long time coming

things are just getting way out of hand and i just cant take it any more, the more i keep it inside the more angry and upset i get,

Things with daniel and i have been up and down for a very long time, from the death of our son to the birth of Deacan we have been through so much, we have separated for about 6 or so months we have made up things have been great and things have been hell,

there is no real big thing causing problems its a lot of little things, i am constantly the one who does the majority of things, like house work cook etc, and yes before October i wasnt working so i didnt mind doing it all though now i am working, i have 2 hours a day to get everything clean before i need to go to work then most days i dont get home to about 7pm if not later, then come the weekends i spend cleaning looking after the boys and maybe have a nap during the day as i am so tired,
Our biggest problem at the moment is the computer the majority of Daniels time where he isn't at work is spent on the computer i know that he goes on there to unwind and chill out though it shouldn't been all the time, like yes i spend a bit of time on the computer though i also do house work and tend to the boys and other stuff as well and it isn't like i just sit on it i get up move around play with the kids etc, though if daniel had it his way it would just sit on there and not move, the only real reason he gets off it most days is to get a drink or get something to eat or go to the bathroom or go for a smoke, thats it, his days routine is Get up, go to the toilet, turn the computer on, go for a smoke then sit on the computer, get ready for work, leave for work, spend all day at work on the computer come home turn his computer on have a smoke, sit on the computer until tea is ready eat tea hop back on the computer then stay there until i go to bed, and if deacan is still up he tends to deacan though mostly sits on the computer,
Daniel has quite often told me how he hates being so over weight though yet does nothing about it, i try not to buy munchy food in the shopping or coke or anything like that so he doesn't have it though then Jason and myself have to go with out, It seems like a major effort to get him to do any type of physical activity like play with the boys where they get his full attention, mow the lawn, or the house work,
Like yesterday for example he broke out into a massive sweat just from sweeping the front patio, the only reason why he done that was because his boss was coming over so he decided to help out a bit,
Daniel has signed up to the gym he was going like 3 to 5 days a week, then stopped once he had jason for 10 weeks straight while i was in hospital, though now that we are all back here, he told me that he was going to start going again, that was months ago, we are paying money paying for gym fees that we can not afford and he isnt even going there,

I can see the way that Daniel is going he is going to put himself into an early grave and i dont want that i love Daniel and i want our kids to have their father around though the way he is going he wont be around for long, every time i try to talk to Daniel about all this either he changes subject or we get into a massive fight about it, so i just don't bother any more, i really dont know what to do any more i cant sit here and watch him slowly killing himself, i dont want the kids to loose their father though i dont want to loose my husband,  i have thought about entering daniel into the biggest looser though i can see he wouldn't do it and health wise i don't think he would be able to do it,

I think the biggest thing with all our problems and with him being so lazy is that he just doesnt have the energy or the care to do anything and i really do think that most of that comes from being over weight i have always told daniel that i will stand by him 110% and back him with what ever he wants to do, though i am not going to back him with him slowly killing himself, you can lead a horse to water though you cant make it drink it......

I really dont know what to do anymore :(

Weight

Well i guess i should go and jump onto the scales and see what they say, i dont have digital ones like the doctors, just the old fashion ones lol though i'm guessing it wont be as accurate as his, though i guess as long as it hasnt gone down thats a good thing,
I put on a T-Shirt yesterday and it was tight on me, i dont think i have put that much weight on lol, im guessing it has shrunk a bit in the wash

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

2011 bring it on

All I can say is bring on 2011

All i want to do is bring on the new year, with any luck it has to be better than this one, I know there are people worse off out there than me though this year has been one hell of a year and by the looks of it, it isnt going to end well :(
I really dont know what to do any more or just how much more of anything i can take,
The kids are ok they are just being kids, demanding and much more needy at the moment, and they just want more than what i can give,I spend lost of time with Jason and Deacan a lot of one on one time and a lot of group play with them, though it just seems like its not enough for them, they just keep draining me, i know its just a child thing and its part and parcel of having children, its just draining thats all

Work is going good, though i am going to start looking for a full time job instead of the casual job that i have that way if i need to have time off because the children are sick or because I am i know that i will still get paid for it, though work to has its moments as well, i am meant to get 1 sale per hour that i work, though with leading up to Christmas people just didnt want to do it, knowing to well that it would void their warranty,  though i am hoping that the new year people will want to do it so i dont loose my job, i have asked my father in law to pass the word around and to get people to give me a call if they want something done and to ask for me specially and gave him the hours that i work so if they do call and want to book something in i get it and not one of the other girls,and also so it looks good on me because i am keeping up with my KPI's I really dont mind the work that i do it is as hard as you want to make it and as easy as you want to make it,

As for Daniel and I thats a whole different entry that i will make later,

so much has happened in 2010 i just want it to be over with like yeah good stuff has happened like the birth of beautiful Deacan, Jason starting to walk and grow up now, i am very grateful that both the boys are still here as we have had our ups and downs with them and there has been quite a few very close calls for them

though all i can say is bring on 2011 

Monday, December 27, 2010

Rain

I am so over the rain now its been raining for weeks, up north of us in townsville they are coping it so bad, i took some photos of our yeard after a 5 to 10 min down fall this is how much we flood in 5 to 10 mins i would hate to see it if it was longer













and its forecast to stay around for a couple of more days still

Asking to much?

Well i guess i am asking to much i think.

Im sick of our house looking like a pig sty, all i am ever seeming to do is clean, i get it half way nice and clean then the kids come home and its not dirty though just becomes untidy,
I guess it would be to much to ask to get Daniels help hey??? like yeah i do understand that he works 5 days a week from about 8am to about 6pm, though i work to i might not do the hours that he does, though i work from 12 to 6pm monday to thursday then from 12 to 5pm on friday, i get up early to the boys some morning its around 4am, i get them ready for daycare, leave at about 6.30 dont get home to around 8ish, then that gives me 2 hours to get the place clean again, bottles toys picked up vacuuming dishes and washing then i get ready for work at 10 then leave at 11am, so come a weekend or before he goes to work it would be nice if i had a bit of a hand
He honestly wonders why i get so tired and why i go to bed early when i can or have a nap during the day on the weekend, though after doing everything and dealing with the kids on the weekend i am truly stuffed, come some days i am just that tired i cant be bothered cooking tea, so it would be nice if tea was cooked for me, Yes i understand that daniel is tired as well, as he stays up most nights to about 10.30-11pm, just incase Deacan wakes back up,though i am still up early of a morning, i dont know i guess i am just asking to much, most nights all he does is sit on the computer and play his games and thats it,i really dont know any more

Q
Am i asking to much?? Does your partner help you out?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Wish

I find that around the christmas time, that people turn very selfish and its all about getting gifts and who spent more on who and all that bull,

I have one christmas wish one gift that i want, one gift i know i will never get

My one wish/gift that i would love to have is to have my son back

though you wont see me throwing a tatrum because i know that wont be what i will get
though i will make sure that a candle shines brightly for him on the day, i might not have him in may arms like i want though he will be in my heart, i will have his photo shown off with pride  he is still part of the family dead or alive,
Bryce is our angle on our tree, we dont need know star we dont need no fake plastic angel as god is hold our angel for us and keeping him safe, im sure on christmas instead of holding him i will feel his wings wrapped around me instead


My Christmas Wish,......

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Always wanted

I dont know why i never have though i have always wanted to get things with Bryce's name on it though when i look at things with peoples names on it, i can never find his name,
Maybe that is a sign, 
i dont know really, maybe Bryce doesn't want me to have things around with his name, as i know i will see them and i would get up set though i really feel like he is starting to fade in the background,

Maybe i am just thinking to much into it

Q,
Have you ever brought anything with your angels name on it? what did you get and how does it make you feel to look at it

Weight Gain

I had a doctors appointment today, all went well i jumped on the scales and i am now 42.3kgs last week i was only 41.9kgs i have had a weight gain of 400g i know it isnt much though its better than nothing, so i got my second steroid injection and now i go back in 2 weeks for another and also another weigh in

Monday, December 20, 2010

Steroids

I had my first steroid injection last week to help me put on weight, the doctor and i have tried everything to help me gain weight though nothing has been working, everyone has been telling me to have shakes etc, though they don't seem to realize that Daniel and i don't have the money for them just to see if they work, the doctor put me on the scales and i am down to 41.9kgs i go back in on Wednesday to get my second one also to get weighed in again, though he said that if my weight keeps coming off that he will have no choice but to admit me into hospital until i gain the weight, if these steroid injections are working i will only be on them for 6 months,, i am only on the minimum dose at the moment so if my weight has stayed the same and i haven't gained any it will be getting increased 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Study

Im thinking about doing some sort of study in between work and what not one that i can do online or at home at my own pace, something that will look good on my resume  or help me in getting a better job though i really dont know what to do and also the cost of it all, does anyone have any suggestions?