Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Brick wall

Where is a brick wall when you need one... i just want to hit my head up against it....My father i swear... he is going to turn me grey, i really dont know what has gotten into him he is not himself, he has EVERYBODY worried about him, its like he has a split personality one min he is all happy and so forth then next turns really angry and nasty. as far as we all know he has depression, he is on meds for it though he takes them here and there
as far as i know he is suicidal, he has told his partner how he is going to kill himself, and keeps telling me he cant cope with everything and wants to be left alone,
though how are we ment to leave him alone when he keeps saying he wants to kill himself? how does that work?

i have enough of my own crap to deal with let alone adding on top of it with all this
im trying to get a head in my marriage making sure everything is ok, Jason is really sick at the moment with his asthma, deacan is being really fussy and wont settle cos he is teething, I have my own depression stuff on top of it all that i am trying to sort out,
last thing i need is to get a phone call from either the police or a family member saying that my father has killed himself, that would just put me over the edge

how are you ment to help someone that wont help themselves?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Miss you


I miss you so much buddy, there is not a day that goes by that i dont think of you, and wonder what you are up to now, I often wonder if you are a little trouble maker up there or if you just keep to yourself, if you are anything like your mummy, then the whole lot of heaven would know you are there and you would be kicking up a stink :)
love you little man more than you wold ever no

Jason and Deacan

hey guys, just thought i would put this in here,
Well you all know that Jason is in Daycare on Monday, Wednesday and Friday,
well i now have Deacan in for Monday and Friday and when there is a space free he will be in on Wednesdays to,

As i have to return back to work, i know people dont agree with that, though i dont have the luxury of staying at home while my partner brings home great money, nor do i get alot from centerlink as well, so if i want the bills to be paid, my kids to be fed and have nice stuff then i need to go back to wrk

i dont like the fact or though that someone will be helping raise my children though its a fact of life, and there is now way around it

Thursday, June 24, 2010

shoulder?

This might sound really selfish on my behalf or very rude and i am very sorry to all my family and friends that read this,
Though i am always there for family and friends when they need a shoulder or someone to talk to or someone to yell at or just want the company or just want someone there not to talk to though just to be there,
I have been there so much lately for everyone else, it really seems like people have forgotten about me, and how i am feeling, i might seem like i am ok if you are talking to me over msn, webcam,phone or in person, though i would really like to have that shoulder as i really feel like it is needed, though im not the type of person just to blurt it all out, as i know EVERYONE has their own stuff to deal with and their own problems, it would just be nice if someone asked how i was going, or feeling or just walked up to me and gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be alright,I seem to be crying everyday and most of the time i have no idea what i am crying over i just cry,
Some days i look in the mirror and have no idea any more who is looking back at me, like tomorrow is my birthday and i dont feel like celebrating one bit at all, a small part of me doesnt even want to wake up,
or if i do wake up to be told it was all a very bad dream,
as i said this probably sounds all very selfish and i am sorry if it does

Guilt?

Why cant i get rid of this guilt that i am caring around....
I am still blaming myself for Bryce, as it was MY body that rejected him... why cant i seem to shake it for?
it feels like i have the whole world on my shoulders... I have told him that i a sorry and that if i could change things i would,

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Grieving

Why have i started grieving all over again? i really thought that i was past grieving, though i guess i was wrong,
Im really sorry for all the really sad posts that i have been making though i just cant help but feel really sad at the moment,
i dont know if it was the add on tv last night or what, though i have really been thinking about Bryce so much today and just wondering WHY!!!!
and if i could of done anything to stop it, and how would he be now if he was here, and if he would still look like daniel and just the what if's

Why?

Why do i keep doing this to myself for?
I keep Google stillbirth and Incompetent cervix to see if there is anything that i could of done different
i know it upsets me though YET still i sit here and looking at different articles and crying...
Why cant i just come to terms with it for?
Why do i keep putting myself through this?
I keep blaming myself, i feel like such a dickhead......
i am so grateful for the 2 little boys i have now, i would do anything for them to, i would walk to hell and back if they needed me to,
though yet i still sit here and go over Bryce's death over and over again...
Why cant i move on from this for?? am i still holding guilt?
i know i blame myself still even through i know its not my fault, though part of me blames myself,

Monday, June 21, 2010

23 weeks

i just saw an add on tv for a current affair about a baby that has survived over 100 days in the NICU that was born at 23 weeks gestation and they get to go home, i am so grateful that the child survived though made me think about Bryce he was born at 23 weeks gestation and the doctors didnt give him a chance at all they wouldnt even give me a c-section while he was still alive in my tummy.... they just basically waited until he passed i guess... its just upsetting,
though i am happy for the boy that gets to go home, and that that is one mother who doesnt get to go through the heart acke

Knowing how I feel...

I have been umming and aring about posting this though i thought stuff it, this is my blog, this is my way of expressing how i feel, I know this is really going to piss some people off though to be honest i dont care i really need to get this out as i have been stewing on it for way to long

I dont see how people can tell me they know how i feel and what i am going through after loosing Bryce, when they havent been through it, one person really got to me and that was my step sister, she had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and had the nerve to tell me she knew exacly how i felt when i lost Bryce, im sorry sweetie no you dont, yeah a miscarriage is hard and upsetting i have had enough to know though it does NOT compare to a 2nd or 3rd trimester lost,

I have had so many people tell me they know what i am going through as their mum or friend etc went throguh it or they have had a miscarriage under 12weeks, im sorry though how is that the same as loosing a 20+ gestation baby?

You dont have to plan a funeral for the baby, you dont have to hold that lifeless body in your arms.... you dont have to walk into birth death and marriages to register you babies name....

Im sorry this must sound so selfish on my behalf though i just can put up with it any more, i needed to get it off my chest

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Still bleeding

Well i am still bleeding it has been just over 2 weeks now, and it still hasn't stopped :(
though its not as clotty or as heavy though still none the less it doesn't look like its going to end... as its still bright red....
the doctor didn't mention any of this to me went i asked him about the depo shot...

Wondering

What makes a person a person?
Is it their personality?
Is it their warmth?
Is it their ability to be able to trust people?

Emailing

ok so i was thinking about ways to stay in touch with people and i thought that emailing people would be cool, so if ya want leave ya email address we can email each other

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

break down

i know you guys will probably think i am being petty or what not
though i really feel like i am about to have a break down,
i just cant handle all the crap thats going on right about now,
Everything is getting to me,
I am having massive mood swings, im waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, im tired all the time,
The stress from everything is really getting to me aswell,
since daniel and i have been back together we have not been able to save anything at all,
I get more income than what daniel does, though still i am expected to buy everything still, like he pays the rent and thats basically it, feels like my money just gets wasted...
Im still having trouble with letting Bryce go i just cant let him go, i really want to be able to let him reast in peace though i cant let him go, i am startign to play the blame game again, im starting to blame myself for it happening, as i think if i got to the hospital sooner they would of been able to save him, and i knwo that it was my body that rejected him, and that hurts even more,
Im starting to forget him and i really dont want to, im forgetting what it was like to hold him, im forgetting what his smell was like,
theses are the things i will never be able to get back again...
the flash backs just keep coming... i can still remember that day like it was yesterday.... i often wonder what he would look like now, and the things he would be doing,

Life swap?

I think i am in need of a life swap... i know i dont have it as hard as other people and everything like that, though the life i have now is really getting to me,
Ive just had enough of everything i am so irritated by EVERYTHING,
I just want to curl up in a corner in a ball and just cry my eyes out for ages,
Everything is getting on top of me
I need to return to work though people are at me becuase i have put Deacan in day care, and i will be putting him in for an extra day as well, I HAVE to go back to work, people just dont understand that
some of us are not lucky that we can just live off our partners income,
I can only work the days the boys are in day care and i can only put Deacan in for 2 days as they dont have the 3rd day free that i want, also can work on the weekend as well,
I think going back to work will really be good for me,
Get me out of this house
get me back in the real worl around real people,


I swear deacan hates me at the moment he is well behaved for everyone else but me he jsut plays up on me, any how i guess i should just stop bitching

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

down moment

having a bit of a down moment, seen the "white lady funeral home" add on tv and started to have flash backs, wish this would stop getting me so down

Trust

I find it really hard to trust people, i cant give my trust out just like that
people have to earn my trust,
There are a very few out there i trust and they know who they are
I am really hoping that this blog stay private as there are people that i dont want reading it, as they dont understand me, or understand how i feel, what i think or what i see through my eyes,
that is why i started a new one as someone who i did give the link to gave it out to other people after i had told them not to.......

renewing vowels

im really thinking about daniel and i renewing our vowels daniel thinks its a waist of money lol, though in the 2 1/2 years we have been married we have been through so much, i think it would be worth it, though yeah i guess he could be right with it being a waist of money really dont no

Time to let go


I thin its about time that i let go of Bryce and all the negativity i hold with him,
i need to stop thinking about the what if's and so forth
I know he will always be with me though its time to let my little man spread his wings and fly
Always loved and remembered and never forgotten

A life?

How are you meant to repay someone if you owe them your life?
How are you meant to show them that you are grateful?
can you ever repay your debit?
I know if it wasn't for this person i would not be here now, i do owe my life to her, though i would like to repay her for it, though just don't know how to nor what to do.

Blogs

If you have a blog please let me know and i will have a read of that as well :)

confusion

ok so there seems to be some confusion about my old blog, and about the post i put there about kids,

ok so here it is, i dont want to have any more kids i am happy with the 3 boys i have now, though IF daniel and i wanted to have more several years down the track then so be it,
I miss the feelings you get when your pregnant like the kicking and the moving, the feeling of new life inside you the feeling that you have helped create a person etc, i just miss those type feelings
if there was a way to feel those feeling and not be pregnant that would be great, though i am happy just being a mum and not having any more children,
the depo injection that i have had seems to be agreeing with me so i will continue to get that

Followers

OK if you wouldnt mind guys i will need you all to follow please, so i know who does read this and who doesnt so when i update i can inbox you all on facebook saying its updated thank you im sorry to be a pain though trying to keep the privacy thats all hope you all understand

new one

hey guys i have started a new blog now, as i want this one to be private so please PLEASE save this link i will be updating at least once a week though trying for once a day,

it seems like i can express myself on my old blog how and when i want with out being judged and being mad a fool out of so if you have this link then i trust you ok