Food Diary Day 4

30/10

1x handful of Banana lollies
1x meat pie with tomato sauce and cheese added
1x spoonful of nutella
12 x square of chocolate
1x lammington
BBQ tea sausages, eggs,chips
1 bowl of rockmelon

Food Diary Day 3

29/10

5X lammington
1/2 cucumber
1X handful of Banana lollies
1x 420g tin of rice pudding
1x bowl of chip (approx 20 chips) and tomato sauce

Food Diary Day 2

28/10/10

4 x Slice of Pizza
1x Large Banana
1x huge handful of Lollies

(Was in a job interview from 9.30 to 2pm)

Food Diary Day 1

27/10/10

2 small lammingtons
1x banana sandwich (1 med size banana, 2 slices of white bread, margarine and sugar)
3x pizza slices

Gaining Weight,

Well we all know i have problems controlling my weight from a past eating disorder that i suffered from, the only way i seem to gain and keep on weight is when i am pregnant though i dont want it to be the case this time, so today is day one of my gaining weight goal,

Starting weight : 44kgs


Goal weight: 55kgs

I would like to gain this weight in about a month or possibly less so what i am going to do is try my hardest to keep a food diary and i will post here each day what i have eaten and possibly once or twice a week i will jump on the scales and see,
See i'm not like most people i find it VERY hard to keep weight on and to gain it were other people seem to be the opposite they easily put it on and keep it,

Last Couple Of Days

WOW what a past couple of days we have had that's all i can say its been so full on I just hope next week is better I'll start from the start so you have some insight with what has happened
it all started Wednesday i was getting Jason ready for daycare, i wanted to get him there early as i knew i would get a call sometime during the day to pick him up just because of his asthma and coughing that he was having, so i got him to daycare then rushed home to get stuck into the house work as the house was a mess, cos Jason had been home since Friday afternoon, got home and got straight into the cleaning, it was about 8 or 8.30 by the time i got home, i was half way though when i got a phone call at 11.30 am from the daycare saying that Jason had a raging temperature and was coughing to the point he was vomiting and that his Ventolin had not worked when they gave it to him, so I just dropped everything go in the car and took off, also mind you it was pouring down with rain, there was water all over the road and was very hard to see, i called the doctor on the way to see if i could get him in ASAP to been seen to though of course when you really need a doctors appointment they don't have any,
I got to the daycare and Jason was laying on their beds having quite time he was in nothing but a nappy, i picked him up and he was boiling, i got all the info that i needed off the daycare staff his temp was 38 at 11.40 then at 11.50 it had gone to 38.1 and was still rising they had tried everything to get it down, poor Jason was pail as anything so i didn't hesitate to take him up to the hospital,
Got to the hospital and was at the triage desk they took one look at him and told me to bring him in straight away so we went in and to a bed, we seen a doctor straight away, they done a suction of his nose and sent that away for testing,  at this stage im guessing jason was feeling like crap he was crying continuously didn't know what he wanted he wanted up then down then a bottle then to get back up then down this went on for ages, plus with the doctors coming in and looking at his ears and throat and poking and prodding him he was just miserable ,
At this stage i went out side to have a quick smoke and to call Daniel to tell him what was going on, that we were there and getting seen to straight away, i came straight back in to find that they had put Jason on Oxygen, as his Oxygen stats kept staying between 90 and 89 as soon as they put the mask near him his stats picked back up to 99 to 100, they then sent him away for a chest x-ray Jason had white spots all over his lungs then doctors told me that he had bronchiolitis and what looked like the on set on pneumonia so they decided to keep him in for obs and just in case he got worse, Jaosn had to keep his Oxygen on for Wednesday night and some of Thursday morning, he started to get a little better by Thursday though still the doctors came in puzzled not knowing what was wrong, i was getting quite scared cos he was really sick,  and the doctors didn't know how to treat him, though on Friday the doctors came in to examine him as jason was seeming to have gotten better just like that (must of been all the prayers and so forth that i asked for) they said that he had Parainfluenza 3 and bronchiolitis, though because he was doing a lot better and was no longer needing Oxygen we were aloud to come home

Depression

It seems like this day and age that almost 90% of the population is suffering from one sort of depression, and also different severity that others, though i have come to notice   that there are different causes of this, whether it is Drug and alcohol abuse, trauma, suffering a loss doesnt matter if it was a loved one or a child or a friend, Stress, now stress seems to be a big one for most people,

there are also different ways of being able to deal/treat your depression,  everyone is different so something might work for others though not work for some,
there are a lot of way to help treat it you have your medication, talking to a professional about it, writing helps a lot, I write to deal with mine i find that if its out in the open then i am more calm about it, though others like to talk nice calming walks, listening to music or just being able to express them selves,

If a person has depression it doesnt mean that you need to treat them any differently or you should stay away from them,

Ask a question

ok so i got this idea from my Friend Lisa Jasper, Forever our First-Born

ok so you have the opportunity to ask me ANY question at all, all questions will be answered, it can be a personal question about myself, bryce or my family it could be any general question at all,
I will respond to all questions that are asked as a blog post, so please leave your question in the comment box below

Information

Ive been thinking quite a bit and i want this blog to also be full of information for other mums and dads as well,  so my question to everyone who reads this is what sort of information would you like to see on here?

Work

You would really think that it should be easy to find work hey? .... Its not as easy as i thought it would be, there are a lot of jobs out there though a lot that i cant do because at the moment i am unable to work Tuesday, and a lot of jobs out there are of course Monday through to Friday, i have even started to apply for McDonald's  job just to be turned do with "we have found someone more suitable for the position" yeah right you mean you have found someone younger,
I am so sick of being turned down for work, a lot of places have turned me down because i have children, and they think that it would be best if i am at home with them, though in the real world you need to work to be able to help provide  for them i don't have some sugar daddy to pay for the bills Daniel works his ass off every week and just brings in enough to pay for rent and a few other things, i am so sick of him busting it out there working so hard to try and get the overtime just so he can provide for us
Daniel hardly gets to see Jason during the week as he may get to see him for about an hour before he leaves for work or when i take them to daycare then he is in bed when Daniel gets home from work,
So if i return back to work i can help take the pressure off Daniel so he doesn't have to put in the over time (even though he still will) though he doesn't HAVE to he can come home on time and see his family,

Why does having to work be so hard, i am willing to do anything just about i have been applying for so much work just to get called in for an interview to be turned down for it, i give every interview 110% though i guess that's just not go enough any more :( its so disheartening.... it really makes you think how a person/family are able to provide for the loved ones... makes things tough

Been a while

So its been awhile since i have last posted anything,
every time i sit down to write something happens with the kids or i go to sit and write and my mind becomes blank, and have no idea what to write,

I have been trying to help a god friend of mine latley as she has suffered a loss, though unlike most of us baby loss mummas she never go to see or hold her little one or even get the chance to find out the sex of her baby, as she was only 17 weeks along, my heart really breaks for her and for all the other mothers and fathers out there as well for having to go through this,
I'm finding it hard with what to say to her, though i am always offering my ear or shoulder if she ever needs it,
I remember after loosing Bryce there was not much anyone could say or do though just having that person on the other end of the phone or MSN was great to be able to talk to them and let out what i was feeling, I did suggest to her that possibly writing about it might help as i have found that writing has helped me though i know writing isnt for everyone,

So as well all know this weeks is remembrance week so i would like to take the time to ask everyone to please think about all the other parents that have lost their children as well if that is ok please,

things with me have been getting there, i still have my good and bad days as i am still finding around the house little things of bryce's through out the house
I am also feeling quite guilty as i have not been out to see him in a very long time, i find that i go to drive out there to say hello and i start crying before i even get there so i turn around and come back.. Im not sure why i am getting like this as i used to be ok driving out there it was just once i got there and seen his tomb stone i start crying,

"Through The Eyes Of A Broken Heart"

When my husband and I got married little did we know that our wedding night would change our lives from that day on?

It was your typical night that one newly married couple would have romantic,  what more could you want, a lovely hotel room with your newly beloved, room service, and a view to die, need I say more,

5 weeks later I was feeling a bit off, I knew I was sick, I had the day off work, so I decided to do food shopping, I had all the signs of being pregnant though didn’t have the morning sickness at that stage, I couldn’t handle the smell of some foods, I had some back pain off and on, my breasts hurt and I was really moody, and I wasn’t 100% if my period was late or not, though I was doing the shopping and I came to the isle that  the home pregnancy tests were in and they were really on special so I decided to get one and just test as I didn’t think for one minute that I was pregnant, so after I finished the shopping I got home put it all away and though I might do that test, straight away the two lines came up I remember sitting on the toilet shocked and stunned little did I know that, that little pee stick was going to change my life forever, I let my husband know that I was pregnant as he was at work, I didn’t want to email him as I didn’t know if he was at his desk or not, I didn’t want to call him as I knew he wouldn’t answer so I took a photo of the test with my mobile and sms it to him, the only response I had for at least 5 sms back was “WTF .......” 

About 5 or so weeks later I started to bleed I thought the worse, as I had had quite a few miscarriages in the past and I swore it was happening all over again, so off to the hospital I race, just to find out it was normal to bleed in the early stages so they gave me my RH- injection and sent me on my way, things seemed pretty much ok after that, up until the 23^rd April 2008 little did I know that, that day would be one of the saddest days I would ever have to entail

I still blame myself for not going to the hospital in time with Bryce, after calling the hospital to tell them that I was having pains they told me it was only Braxton hicks and not to worry about it, that was at 6 am on the 23/04/08, I called a friend of mine as I was really scared and didn’t know what to do, though deep down I knew what was going on I just didn’t want to face it, (is that normal??)
at about 9am my friend showed up to take me back to her place, at this stage the pains were coming and going, though it was about a 30min trip to her place, I got there made a coffee, went to the toilet started getting some more pains, so I went to check my cervix to make sure I hadn’t started to dilate, though I was really swollen on the inside
I went out and told her what was going on and that I had started to bleed,
Then the pain had hit, I am on all fours at her back door panting like a dog, and screaming out it’s too soon it’s too soon,
the hospital tells my friend  to bring me up to get checked out so she puts me in the car with a towel under me, the pains get worse, at this stage they are about 2 to 5 mins apart lasting form 1 to 5 mins,
I really felt like I was going to die, I have never been in so much pain in my life,
I get up to the hospital they take me into a room and the doctor comes in to check me out, I will never forget the words she told

"I’m  sorry there is nothing we can do you are 8cm, you son is being born today I’m sorry"

in an instant my heart smashed into a lot of tiny pieces,
I got my friend  to call my husband he came straight in, I don’t really remember to much of what happened, I know I was bleeding a heap, they said that I lost just under 2L of blood in 4 hours, I had to have 2 blood transfusions, and an epidural as they thought I had to go for an emergency c section,
then we had a lady come in and tell us that Bryce would only have a 20% chance of surviving and out of that 20% there was a 50% chance that he would not make it through the night
so my husband  and I had to play god, either get Bryce worked on even though he might not make it or just hold him until he passed away in our arms, it was the hardest decision we  ever had to have made,
So we decided to just hold him, though 30 mins before I had Bryce he passed away as I couldn’t feel him move or kick me and the nurse couldn’t find his heart beat,
I remember getting all tired and dizzy then the doctors and my husband yelling at me breath Sarah breath, stay with us, you need to breath,
though that’s all I can really remember though I know at 3.45pm 23/04/08 little Bryce was born weighing 595 grams 29 cms long and had a head size of 21.5 cms,
we buried him the day before mother’s day,

Every mother and father have their own stories on how their little angel/s were born and why, after losing Bryce I have spoken to a lot of mothers and fathers that have gone through the same, and there is one thing almost all of us have in common we all seem to blame ourselves, with the “what if’s” and the “ I should of”  don’t get me wrong I am not saying that we shouldn’t feel like this or have those little words come into our minds as I know it’s natural for us to feel like that, like we could of done more or it is out fault, I still blame myself to this day even  knowing it wasn’t my fault though it doesn’t change anything, it was my body that couldn’t seem to hold him, I felt like my body just rejected him, I have been told off a lot of people that Bad things happen for a reason, though what could of been the reason for taking an unborn child away from its parents? Their loving parents have also been told that “God has a better plan” or “god only takes the best”  I used to get so angry when I heard that,  there was a stage where I hated god as he thought he had the right to take our child away from us, What gave him the right to do that? What made our son so special that he was more needed in heaven that down here with us? Though thinking about it now, my husband and I have been blessed with 2 other children, and the doctors have said that if we didn’t loose Bryce that the problem i have now would of gone undetected

tomorrow

Well tomorrow is kinda a busy day for me, i find out if i have that job at Cardio Tech, I'm really hoping that i do get it, he basically told me i had it, though to be considerate of others he was going to continue the interviews and let me know Monday, i have another interview on Monday at my old work basically to be a run around person though only up until Christmas, and im not to sure if i should continue to job hunt today or just wait until i find out about the job or not

"Through The Eyes Of A Broken Heart"

Hey guys i have decided to do some writing i am unsure yet if i should turn it into a book or not, I want to be able to let other angle mums know that they are not alone,  I want to be able to add quotes from angel pages and true quotes that will help the suffering, i haven't been writing it for long though this is what i have to start off with, let me know what you think (honestly)

When my husband and I got married little did we know that our wedding night would change our lives from that day on?

It was your typical night that one newly married couple would have romantic,  what more could you want, a lovely hotel room with your newly beloved, room service, and a view to die, need I say more,

5 weeks later I was feeling a bit off, I knew I was sick, I had the day off work, so I decided to do food shopping, I had all the signs of being pregnant though didn’t have the morning sickness at that stage, I couldn’t handle the smell of some foods, I had some back pain off and on, my breasts hurt and I was really moody, and I wasn’t 100% if my period was late or not, though I was doing the shopping and I came to the isle that  the home pregnancy tests were in and they were really on special so I decided to get one and just test as I didn’t think for one minute that I was pregnant, so after I finished the shopping I got home put it all away and though I might do that test, straight away the two lines came up I remember sitting on the toilet shocked and stunned little did I know that, that little pee stick was going to change my life forever, I let my husband know that I was pregnant as he was at work, I didn’t want to email him as I didn’t know if he was at his desk or not, I didn’t want to call him as I knew he wouldn’t answer so I took a photo of the test with my mobile and sms it to him, the only response I had for at least 5 sms back was “WTF .......” 

About 5 or so weeks later I started to bleed I thought the worse, as I had had quite a few miscarriages in the past and I swore it was happening all over again, so off to the hospital I race, just to find out it was normal to bleed in the early stages so they gave me my RH- injection and sent me on my way,

I just thought to start with that a bit of back ground might be good first before getting to the parts that will make you cry,  I dont no if i am being foolish or not wanting to help people and trying to let them know that they are not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, i guess if anything this will help me in the long run