Monday, October 4, 2010

"Through The Eyes Of A Broken Heart"



When my husband and I got married little did we know that our wedding night would change our lives from that day on?
It was your typical night that one newly married couple would have romantic,  what more could you want, a lovely hotel room with your newly beloved, room service, and a view to die, need I say more,
5 weeks later I was feeling a bit off, I knew I was sick, I had the day off work, so I decided to do food shopping, I had all the signs of being pregnant though didn’t have the morning sickness at that stage, I couldn’t handle the smell of some foods, I had some back pain off and on, my breasts hurt and I was really moody, and I wasn’t 100% if my period was late or not, though I was doing the shopping and I came to the isle that  the home pregnancy tests were in and they were really on special so I decided to get one and just test as I didn’t think for one minute that I was pregnant, so after I finished the shopping I got home put it all away and though I might do that test, straight away the two lines came up I remember sitting on the toilet shocked and stunned little did I know that, that little pee stick was going to change my life forever, I let my husband know that I was pregnant as he was at work, I didn’t want to email him as I didn’t know if he was at his desk or not, I didn’t want to call him as I knew he wouldn’t answer so I took a photo of the test with my mobile and sms it to him, the only response I had for at least 5 sms back was “WTF .......” 
About 5 or so weeks later I started to bleed I thought the worse, as I had had quite a few miscarriages in the past and I swore it was happening all over again, so off to the hospital I race, just to find out it was normal to bleed in the early stages so they gave me my RH- injection and sent me on my way, things seemed pretty much ok after that, up until the 23rd April 2008 little did I know that, that day would be one of the saddest days I would ever have to entail
I still blame myself for not going to the hospital in time with Bryce, after calling the hospital to tell them that I was having pains they told me it was only Braxton hicks and not to worry about it, that was at 6 am on the 23/04/08, I called a friend of mine as I was really scared and didn’t know what to do, though deep down I knew what was going on I just didn’t want to face it, (is that normal??)
at about 9am my friend showed up to take me back to her place, at this stage the pains were coming and going, though it was about a 30min trip to her place, I got there made a coffee, went to the toilet started getting some more pains, so I went to check my cervix to make sure I hadn’t started to dilate, though I was really swollen on the inside
I went out and told her what was going on and that I had started to bleed,
Then the pain had hit, I am on all fours at her back door panting like a dog, and screaming out it’s too soon it’s too soon,
the hospital tells my friend  to bring me up to get checked out so she puts me in the car with a towel under me, the pains get worse, at this stage they are about 2 to 5 mins apart lasting form 1 to 5 mins,
I really felt like I was going to die, I have never been in so much pain in my life,
I get up to the hospital they take me into a room and the doctor comes in to check me out, I will never forget the words she told

"I’m  sorry there is nothing we can do you are 8cm, you son is being born today I’m sorry"

in an instant my heart smashed into a lot of tiny pieces,
I got my friend  to call my husband he came straight in, I don’t really remember to much of what happened, I know I was bleeding a heap, they said that I lost just under 2L of blood in 4 hours, I had to have 2 blood transfusions, and an epidural as they thought I had to go for an emergency c section,
then we had a lady come in and tell us that Bryce would only have a 20% chance of surviving and out of that 20% there was a 50% chance that he would not make it through the night
so my husband  and I had to play god, either get Bryce worked on even though he might not make it or just hold him until he passed away in our arms, it was the hardest decision we  ever had to have made,
So we decided to just hold him, though 30 mins before I had Bryce he passed away as I couldn’t feel him move or kick me and the nurse couldn’t find his heart beat,
I remember getting all tired and dizzy then the doctors and my husband yelling at me breath Sarah breath, stay with us, you need to breath,
though that’s all I can really remember though I know at 3.45pm 23/04/08 little Bryce was born weighing 595 grams 29 cms long and had a head size of 21.5 cms,

we buried him the day before mother’s day,
Every mother and father have their own stories on how their little angel/s were born and why, after losing Bryce I have spoken to a lot of mothers and fathers that have gone through the same, and there is one thing almost all of us have in common we all seem to blame ourselves, with the “what if’s” and the “ I should of”  don’t get me wrong I am not saying that we shouldn’t feel like this or have those little words come into our minds as I know it’s natural for us to feel like that, like we could of done more or it is out fault, I still blame myself to this day even  knowing it wasn’t my fault though it doesn’t change anything, it was my body that couldn’t seem to hold him, I felt like my body just rejected him, I have been told off a lot of people that Bad things happen for a reason, though what could of been the reason for taking an unborn child away from its parents? Their loving parents have also been told that “God has a better plan” or “god only takes the best”  I used to get so angry when I heard that,  there was a stage where I hated god as he thought he had the right to take our child away from us, What gave him the right to do that? What made our son so special that he was more needed in heaven that down here with us? Though thinking about it now, my husband and I have been blessed with 2 other children, and the doctors have said that if we didn’t loose Bryce that the problem i have now would of gone undetected

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