Dreams

AHHH these dreams are really starting to get to me i am having them every night and some nights i have them more than once,
Part of me doesnt mind having these dreams as i quite like them
though the part of me feels guilty as i am married and they are not of my husband

these dreams feel so real to, i wake up from them and i can swear that it has happened and i can remember every single part of it, my heart is racing when i wake up....

Readers/Followers

Hey everyone,

I was just wondering if you read this can i please get you to follow it as there is only 100 spots for people to be able to see this blog, as i have to add their email address in for them to have permission to see it (if all that makes sense lol)

So I don't want to be rude sorry though if you don't really read it let me know and i will remove you, just so people who do want to read it can

Weight Gain

YAY i am so happy i jumped on the scales this morning and i am up to 47kgs YAY YAY YAY
sorry just really happy about that, i will get a more accurate reading of my weight tomorrow when i go to the doctor,
though the home scales say 47, so i only have 8kgs left to go until i am at my ideal weight,

Deacan's Surgery

Well Deacan goes in for his surgery on the 24th May so 2 months away, I'm really nervous about it for him, its only cosmetic surgery though still surgery is surgery  and it all has its risks

SO i had a look on line and this is the information that i could find on it



this is what i found

Hypospadias repair is surgery to correct a birth defect in boys in which the urethra (the tube that carries urine from the bladder to outside the body) does not end at the tip of the penis. Instead, it ends on the underside. In more severe cases, the urethra opens at the middle or bottom of the penis, or even in or behind the scrotum.
See also: Hypospadias

Description

Hypospadias repair is usually done when boys are between 6 months and 2 years old. It is done on an outpatient basis. It rarely requires an overnight stay in the hospital.
Boys who are born with hypospadias are not circumcised at birth, so their foreskin can be used for the repair during surgery.
Before surgery, your child will receive general anesthesia. This will make him sleep and unable to feel pain during surgery. Mild defects may be repaired in one procedure. Severe defects may need two or more procedures.
The surgeon will use a small piece of foreskin or tissue from another site to create a tube that increases the length of your son's urethra. Extending the length of the urethra will allow it to open at the tip of the penis.
During surgery, the surgeon may place a catheter (tube) in the urethra to make it hold its new shape. The catheter may be sewn or fastened to the head of penis to keep it in place. It will be removed 1 - 2 weeks after surgery.
Most of the stitches (sutures) used during surgery will dissolve on their own and will not have to be removed later.

Why the Procedure is Performed

Hypospadias is one of the most common birth defects in boys. This surgery is performed on most boys who are born with hypospadias.
If repair is not done, your son may have:

• Problems controlling and directing his urine stream
• A curve in the penis during erection
• Problems with fertility

Surgery is NOT needed if the condition does not affect normal urination while standing, sexual function, or the deposit of semen.

Risks

Risks for any anesthesia are:

• Allergic reactions to medicines
• Breathing problems

Risks for any surgery are:

• Bleeding
• Blood clot
• Infection

Other risks for hypospadias:

• A hole that leaks urine (fistula)
• Large blood clot (hematoma)
• Scarring or narrowing of the repaired urethra

Before the Procedure

Your child's surgeon may ask for a complete medical history and physical exam of your child before the procedure.
Always tell your child's doctor or nurse:

• What drugs your child is taking
• Include drugs, herbs, and vitamins you bought without a prescription.
• Tell them about any allergies your child has to medicine, latex, tape, or skin cleaner.

Ask your child's doctor which drugs your child should still take on the day of surgery.
On the day of the surgery:

• Your child will usually be asked not to drink or eat anything after midnight the night before surgery.
• Give your child any drugs your doctor told you to give your child with a small sip of water.
• Your child's doctor or nurse will tell you when to arrive for the surgery.
• The doctor will make sure your child is healthy enough for surgery. This means your son should not have any signs of illness. If your son is ill, the surgery may be delayed.

After the Procedure

Right after surgery, your son's penis will be taped securely to his belly so that it does not move.
Often, a bulky dressing or plastic cup is placed over the penis to protect the surgical area. A urinary catheter (a tube used to drain urine from the bladder) will exit the dressing to allow urine to flow freely into the diaper.
Your child will be encouraged to drink fluids so that he will urinate. Urinating will keep pressure from building up in the urethra.
Your son may be given medicine to relieve pain.
You will probably be able to take your child home the same day as the surgery. If you live a long way from the hospital, you might want to stay in a hotel near the hospital the first night.

Outlook (Prognosis)

This surgery lasts a lifetime. Most children do well after this surgery. Your son's penis will look almost or completely normal. It will also work almost or completely normally.
If your child has a complicated hypospadias, he may need more operations to improve the penis' appearance or to repair a hole or narrowing in the urethra.
Follow-up visits with a urologist (a doctor who specializes in the treatment and surgery of the urinary system) may be needed once your son has healed from surgery. Sometimes a visit is needed when boys reach puberty

though Deacan's isn't this bad,  he was basically born with half a circumcision so he just needs to have that corrected, thats all i think they put on google the worse case scenarios 

OH MY GOSH

All i can say is WOW my sex drive has gone through the roof and i have no idea and i mean no idea why, its normally Daniel who is getting cranky at me because I dont want it or dont have the energy for it, though over the past couple of days it really feels like thats all i want, like Daniel and I Dtd the other night and wow like best night ever (well since the wedding night any how)

I really dont know why it has gone through the roof for, im not doing anything different than what i was a a week or 2 ago, like part of me wants Daniel to take the day off work so we can spend all day in the bedroom lol,

but any how thats all for now will chat more later

Random Post

I was going through all my old writing that i have done and i come across this

Life As A Single Mum
Part 1

Well where do i start? I really thought that things between my husband and i were going alright,
though I guess I was wrong.Like sure Daniel and I had our fair share of problems though what married couple doesnt?
I know that daniel and I had been arguing for a while due to some problems
I know it didnt help that the house was always a mess, I know I should of kept it cleaner that what i did
part of the reason why I didnt is because i am lazy. and thing "whats the point keeping it clean when we hardly get visitors?"
though also I cant do to much at one time as my body really hurt, I have a bad back *to many car accidents*.
Also I have fractured my hip 3 times in the same spot over 3 years and have a problem with my knees that i have had since i
was a child some days my body hurst that bad i can only just lift Jason.
Though there are days when i do get into the house work and start cleaning up, though thats when Jason will start,
either he is really wingy and just wants the attention or he is jsut in one of those moods, then by the time i fix Jason
up i forget what i am doing, like dont get me wrong i'm [b]NOT[/b] blaming Jason at all for any of this though
just sometimes its because of him i dont get stuff done
Then there is also money problems though we never used to have them when i wored as well,
though i dont work no so we was just on the one income plus the little amount that i got off centerlink,
so we have been trying to work those out though have had no luck, So daniel stresses about that as he works a 40+
hour week he also does some overtime here and there as well, it also doesnt help that i am pregnent again,
though thats one story i dont really want to get into right now

Daniel and i have been through so much together in 2 years its not funny
We lost our first child Bryce on 23/04/08 ge was born at 23 weeks & 4 days gestation due to a placentral abrubtion
and an incompatant cervix, though at the time i didnt know that i had that problem, though by the time i made it to the
hospital it was to late they were unable to stop the labour or save Bryce.Still to this day i blame myself for it,
i know that it wasbt my fault though it was my body that couldnt hold him in, and i often wonder what would of happend
if i got to the hospital quicker would they have been able to save him? so i dont know if this guilt that i am carrying
around has contributed to all of this or not
Daniel quiet often tells me that its not my fault though can see the hurt and the pain in his eyes everytime i look
at him, also Bryce looked jsut like Daniel so everytime i look at Daneil i can see him
Daneil was so strong during the birth of Bryce also after planning his furneral and during it, he stayed strong
and held it together for me, as i was an utter mess and could stop crying or wondering why, so because of daniel doing
that he hasnt had his chance to let it out and greive, still to this day 18 months later the memories and thoughts of it
all cut deep, i have this hole in my heart that wont close so if its hurting me this much i cant imagin how daniel is feeling.
4 months after loosing bryce i feel pregnent with Jason right from the star i started having problems carrying him.
I had heavey bleedind, sever cramps and i was told at 8 weeks that i was going to misscarry due to sac seperation,
so i placed myself on stricked bed rest and 4 weeks later the sac had reconnected, at 13 weeks gestation things started
looking up as everything had stopped all until i had an ultrasound at 21 weeks to check my cervix i then found out that
i had started to go into labour..
The doctors addmitted me into hospital straight away to have an emergency stitch placed into my cervix, though at 25 weeks
and 4 days gestation Jason decided that he wasnted out, the day i went into labour i was at work, i kept getting these
niggling pains that came and gone so i wasnt sure if it was Braxton Hicks or the real deal so i gave it about 30 mins to
an hour and the got worse, so i had work call me an ambulance, my boss came with me to the hospital ad stayed with me
until Daniel got there, they tried everything to stop the labour they slowed it donw thouh didnt stop it,
7.30am the next morning they started back up again they took my stitch out at 10.30am abd u diolated 4cm straight away,
11.30pm that night Jason Beau was born,
he spent 88 days in total in the NICU and Special Care, and now he is almost 8 months old
5 months after jason was born i find out that Prengnant again with baby number 3, so i guess with everything that has
happend i can understand why Daniel isnt happy about it though as i said to Daniel this baby never asked to be made or
brought into this world, so what right do i have to take it away? and i also know that if this baby doesnt want to be
here it will either leave my body or this world when it wants.

Life has it's up's & down's my past has been full of them I have had 2 abusive partners and then the love of my life,
Life i know can be hard though it can also be great and i always live by the moto "What doesn't kill you only makes you
stronger" I remember my dad always telling me that, when ever something bad had happend.
My father would have to be my role modle, as he has pretty much been through what i am going through now,
and we both pretty much have the same views in life
See dad and i are quiet similar as we have both been left with young children to look after Dad was roughly 22 or 23
years old when him and mum first split up and he was left with a 1 1/2 year old and a 6 month old with no real help but
his mum to help raise us, And with me i am 23 years old with an 8 month old to look after and i am also 13 weeks pregnant
with no real help but from Danielle who is my mother in law.
Daniel is great like year we have our up's and down's with each other though push come to shove she is always there
for me, I owe danielle my life, because if it wasnt for her i more thant likely wouldnt be here now, as i nearly lost my
life when i delivered my first son Bryce, as i lost just under 4L of blood in 2 hours and if it wasn't for danielle
rushing me to the hospital when she did Daniel would of lost a son and a wife that day and not jsut a son

I also understand why my dad used to gt worried about me so much as i admit that i wasnt the best or easyist child to look
after as i was either in trouble or always hurting myself.
I guess i am possibly the reason my father has so many grey hairs as i am the cause of most of them the first time that
i can rememeber scaring him half to death was when i was in year 1, im sure i was 5 years old and we was living in
Devonport Tasmainia dad was in the kitchen cooking tea for Natalie and I and we were both outside playing on the
trampoline i can remember at that age all i wanted to be was an Iceskater, Im not sure if the winter olympics was on or
was just on. Though i remember taking my shoes off leaving my socks on and sliding around the metal edge i fell and
landed on the drain and broke my arm dad rushed me straight to the hospital, and didnt leave my side he stayed at the
hospital with me over night i remember the hospital would let him sleep in the hospital bed beside me jsut incase
another child needed it so they brouhg out this fold out stretcher bed and he placed in beside my bed right next to me
and thats where he slept for the night though he would always pop his head up to check on me
Dad used to always tell me as a teenager that a parent is never ment to bury their children and its ment to be the other way
around, And now after loosing Bryce i know what he ment and i truely understand

One thing that is really getting to me at the moment is that people tell me that i am lucky that i am prem babies and that i
dont go to term though i disagree how can it be lucky to have a child so early that i have to bury it? i think thats really
lucky for me, like i might be over reacting though that was the worse day of my life, having a child and for him not
to be able to live his life or see the open world, to be told by the doctors that while you are in labour that your
child does not stand a chance, yeah thats really lucky hey???? Then to have a second child early and watch him fight for his
life and watching him fighting for every breath that he takes? how is that lucky? like yeah i am LUCKY that he did survive
and that he is here with me now and i wouldnt give him up for the world though how is all this lucky? i would do anything
to be able to go to term, and then the people that tell me i am lucky turn around and bitch that their baby is giving them
hell and that they want their baby to be born any where from 30 weeks onwards and that every thing will be fine
though you know what, while Jason was in the NICU there was a 29 and a 30 weeker brought in that was not sick or anyhting
the only reason why they were in there was because they were early and both of them didnt make it, so it really doesnt matter
how early you baby is born to if they survive or not if they are born at 25 weeks or 35 weeks if figure it all depends
on their willingness to fight for their life, and as sad as it is some times the fight jstu gets to hard for them
and it breaks my heart to see little babies there fighting for their lives, and also for the mums and dads as its not something
thats easy to go through
though yeah i am lucky arent i? sorry it jsut makes me so angry, like yeah i am proberly over reacting and al or took what
are saying the wrong way though they dont clarify what they are saying,


If i went back 3 or 4 years ago i would of never thought my life would be like it is now, though you know what i would change
what i have got now for the world yeah my life might not be the best i might not have the most flashy things a person
could own though what i have is mine, i have a little boy watching over me, i have a gorges little boy that fought
so hard to be here, i married the love of my life, even though we are seperated now i still wouldnt of changed a thing,
if i could go back in time i would of still married him and give me the chance i would do it all over again
I addmit i have not really had the best past in the world, though what i ahve been through makes me the person i am now
i have had my fair share of up and downs and things you wouldnt even tell your grand mother about, though they were
all my own choices, i had a bad stint of booze, drugs and one night stands after one night stands,
i remember that i would get that high on either valium or E's then get myself tanked full of booze, some nights
i would wake up and not no where i was, im not saying there is any excuses for what i have done or that what i have
done is right, though it took a massive wake up call to get me out of the life i was living, im guessing that if i
kept going the way i was i wouldnt of had Bryce,Jason nor little pumpkin i am pregnent with now, i wouldnt of married the love
of my life either, though im not also one of those people who say i have been there and done that, though i have done a bit in
my past, i always try and give advise,help and support when ever i can and to who ever wants it, some time people might not
like what i have to say though i am not going to give them the wrong advice or lie to them, i am straight to the point
and honest about it all i have nothing to hide, and if i can help some other person whether they are a child, teenager or
a grown adult i am going to try


I now realise jsut how hard it is to be a single mum, i really thought that i would be alright with it as i really throught
i was already acting like a single mum when i was with daniel, though the truth is being a single mum is a 24/7 job
at least with a job you work from 9 to 5 then get to go home and do what ever, though with kids its never ending not even
they are in bed, you still hav to keep an ear out for them to make sure they are ok, also when they wake up in the middle of
the night you need to get up,
my hat goes off to ALL single mums out there as i now know its not as easy as it looks

Its been 19 1/2 months now since my son was taken away from me, still not a day goes by that i dont think about him
or think about how life could of been, or what he would look like, i still get teary eyed now and again about him
though i do know that he is watching over me and i know that he would want me to be happy,



So i am now 27 weeks and 4 day pregnent with Deacan and i have now been stuck in hospital now for 6 weeks cos little deacan
decided that he wanted to be born at 22 weeks gestation, the doctors stop the labour of course though they have been telling
me that its going to be any day now though 6 weeks later he is still here, i went into labour last saturday i was contracting
really badly they let me labour for 2 hours, though i had not started to diolate at that stage, though mind you i still had
1cm of cervix that had to shorten first before i would of started to diolate, so then they decided to stop it,it took 3 hours
after that for the contractions to slow down and stop so it worked
so now little deacan in fully head down and engaged, and it hurts, as his head is that far down into my hips and pelvis
it isnt funny though i am greatful that he is still inside baking away and getting stronger each day
though i am just over the pain, and i hate taking so many pain killers, as i could only imagin how much of it deacan is
getting through him,

Just wanted to share this thats all dont know how long ago i wrote this though

What a week

Well all i can say is what a week, it feels like it has been non stop,


First off on Sunday i had my confirmation so i was happy about that, now i am a member of the church and i also received the gift of the spirit as well, I have joined the church chore (not sure spelling is right) so i need to see my doctor about giving me some women injections to make sure my voice goes back up as the steroid injections have made it drop and crack lol


My weight is now 47kgs i am very happy about that, i am going to be either signing up to a gym so i can start getting fit or i will be going for runs, no not to loose weight though just to get fit so i can do everyday things with out getting puffed,  also because all the weight i have put on has gone straight to my stomach not that i mind though my tummy looks like i am 4 months pregnant lol,




Kids are going well Jason is talking so much more now also is getting into trouble a lot more as well, Deacan is just about walking wont be long now for him either, he is starting to walk around furniture, and is standing all the time, though we still haven't gotten him into a sleep routine yet, he just doesn't want to stay asleep so its making it hard on everyone,


On another note Daniel has Quit smoking as well i am so very proud of him, today will be his second day with out one, though today i have been 3 weeks without a smoke or coffee, really starting to miss the coffee now though, 


any way better goes it just about 7am and daniel still isnt out of bed he is going to be late for work, and he will prolly get angry at me for not waking him up though i told him if he didnt get up then it wasnt my fault that he was late for work,.


Any way i will talk again soon


Sarah xx

Dreams

over the past couple of night i have been having really Vivid/weird dreams, they have been of old partners and old Crushes they are really strange,

When i have these dreams i am left wondering all day as they then stick in my head like a memory like they really happened,
Like this one dream i had, i would meet up with my partner in my dream (old crush) and i would be at a school for a gifted person, i would be living there, i would study music (flute) do Dancing, and i was an earth bender LOL like i just had to dream that weird one up lol,

I would only see my partner on the weekend he would drive up/i would fly out to see him though in my dream he and his family come to the school to surprise me and in my dream when i saw him i ran to him and jumped in the air and he held me etc like you would see in movies

This dream felt really real i can still remember it now. i really wish i knew what these dreams ment, cos after having them i find it really hard to go back to sleep again

Weight

Well on a good side my Weight has gone up YAY
i am now 45kg,

Im really happy about that only 10 more Kgs to go until i am at my ideal weight

I think i am going to stop with the steroid shots as the side effects are really starting to bother more,


On another note i am stumped to who reads this blog, as i have had HEAPS of page view though no one comments,
If you do read this can you please leave a comment to this, i dont care if you leave your name or stay anonymous as it doesn't "bother" me who reads it, i would like like to know numbers of who really  reads it and doesn't just skim over it

Stats

I was having a look through all the "Stats" for this blog and i am just shocked......

here is a list of the referring sites some of these i have no idea what they are.... i go to look at the topic/ site and i have to register

Referring URLs

http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viewtopic./php?t=2308418 21 http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viwtopic.php?t=2308468 11 http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viewtopic.php?t=2305784&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15 8 http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viewtopic.php?t=2308418&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=15 8 http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/vietopic.php?t=2306126 7 http://www.ahm2010.com/index.php?topic=51.15 7 http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viewtoic.php?t=2309861 6 http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viewtopic.php?t=2307756 5 http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/PCircles/viewtopic.php?t=2305784 4 http://2ge1ffhdgsaom3padg8i2jd5pke1ajbt-a-fc-opensocial.googleusercontent.com/gadgets/ifr?url=http://gadgetsforblogger.googlecode.com/files/recent-comments-gadget.xml&container=peoplesense&parent=http://mythoughtsmyworld-heartness1.blogspot.com/&mid=1&view=profile&libs=google.blog&d=0.555.7&lang=en&view-params=%7B%22summaryLength%22:%22200%22,%22numberOfPosts%22:%2210%22,%22skin%22:%7B%22FACE_SIZE%22:%2232%22,%22HEIGHT%22:%22200%22,%22TITLE%22:%22Recent+Comments%22,%22BORDER_COLOR%22:%22transparent%22,%22ENDCAP_BG_COLOR%22:%22transparent%22,%22ENDCAP_TEXT_COLOR%22:%22%23222222%22,%22ENDCAP_LINK_COLOR%22:%22%232288bb%22,%22ALTERNATE_BG_COLOR%22:%22transparent%22,%22CONTENT_BG_COLOR%22:%22transparent%22,%22CONTENT_LINK_COLOR%22:%22%232288bb%22,%22CONTENT_TEXT_COLOR%22:%22%23222222%22,%22CONTENT_SECONDARY_LINK_COLOR%22:%22%232288bb%22,%22CONTENT_SECONDARY_TEXT_COLOR%22:%22%23999999%22,%22CONTENT_HEADLINE_COLOR%22:%22%23000000%22,%22FONT_FACE%22:%22normal+normal+12px+Arial,+Tahoma,+Helvetica,+FreeSans,+sans-serif%22%7D%7D&up_summaryLength=200&up_numberOfPosts=10&communityId=02707474294751961729&caller=http://mythoughtsmyworld-heartness1.blogspot.com/ 3

Referring Sites

preg.fertilityfriend.com 98 www.fertilityfriend.com 10 www.ahm2010.com 8 2ge1ffhdgsaom3padg8i2jd5pke1ajbt-a-fc-opensocial.googleusercontent.com 4 sn125w.snt125.mail.live.com 4 www.google.com 4 www.facebook.com 1 www.sept2007mommies.com 1

Search Keywords

heartness1 bryce  2 baby with rsv induced to coma to to prevent cardiac arrest   1 heartness1  1

Baptism

Well i had my Baptism today, It really wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be, and the feeling that i have now was well worth going with out and staying off the smokes and coffee etc,

I had a few photos taken here they are

I was really nervous before having it done, though afterward i felt so much better i felt lighter and warmer i know that must sound really strange though for me it isnt, i also feel a lot safer now as well

Very Bad day

Things have just gone from bad to worse today, I really should not of gotten out of bed

To start of with i was pregnant it really was not planned as much as anyone says it really wasnt, we were using condoms or pulling out, and before anyone says anything about pulling out as a birth control method we really though it was, though guessing not though i had my beta lvl done on Wednesday I was 13 DPO and i got the results back today they were only 15, he said that it should of been higher as i was showing up on normally pregnancy test, I also told him that i was bleeding and that it was bright red and passing quite large clotts he said that i was miscarrying and that there was no point doing another Beta,
I really dont know how to feel to be honest i am upset over it though shocked at the same time, and i just feel empty, I was really starting to warm up to the idea of being a mum again, and i think Daniel was starting to warm up to the idea of being a dad again as well,

I think daniel told him mum today that I lost the baby, im pretty sure she would be happy over it, as she called me the other day when i told her that i was pregnant and ripped into me, she wasnt happy about it at all, she told/sternly asked me to have an abortion and i turned around and said NO straight out, then she asked how i would feel if i miscarried, I told her if i was under 12 weeks i would be upset though I would be as sad about it as i was when we lost Bryce, though i said that if i lost the baby after the 12 weeks i would be very sad, she then said Well i hope you Miss.... i cut her off straight away with it and started to yell at her, as i knew she was going to say "well i hope you miscarriage then"  I was so angry i seen red

I was only 4 weeks according to Fertility Friend i had not even been for an ultrasound so i m not even sure though with my Beta level being low like it was i really dont think the pregnancy would of went any longer even if i done everything thing i could to stop it, besides what i had done, i didnt smoke or drink coffee i was also eating right and sleeping right as well i was really going to do everything that i could to make sure i made it to the 40 weeks


though now i really dont know how to feel.... i wouldnt mind trying again once these boys are older and are less needy, though i am pretty sure that Daniel will be getting the snip now,

also on another note besides all that happening today, I dropped my brand new phone and smashed the front of it so now i cant use it.... and its less than a week old..... so now i have to get another one added to my plan or get my old phone unlocked so i can put this sim card into it,

And wait there is more
Both the boys came home with snotty noses today from daycare, so thats just great, going ot have to keep a really good eye on them as they are prown to getting bronchitis and RSV from it, so i can see if jason starts having problems breathing it will be back up to the hospital to get him checked out so if jason has something Deacan more than likely has it to......



its 6.15pm and Daniel still isnt home from work he sent me a txt at about 6ish saying he still had not left work and its about an 1 1/2  trip back so just YAY


anyway thats it for now ill chat more later

That time

Well i am guess it is coming around to that time now with Jason, and i swear not that far behind Deacan....

All of a sudden now over the past 4 to 5 days Jason has turned so naughty he does what ever he wants when he wants it doesnt matter how many times you tell him "no" or move him away from what ever he is doing that is naughty he just does right back and does it, its starting to become very tiresome and i am starting to get sick of wasting my breath,
I have tried and tried to be very patient with him as i know it is only a "stage" though he is wearing the ice very very thin,

Deacan must be going through the terrible 1's lol if there were such a thing he is now starting to scream at everything if something doesnt work as he wants to he screams and throws a nana, if he drops anything he screams, if we are not paying him enough attention he lets out a lot of screams they are very high pitched and very irritating,  he does it all the bloody time..... and there is only so much one person can take of it, i swear i would rather listen to finger nails down a chalk board.........

I guess the kids are getting board at home compared to daycare as there is more to do there than what there is here i have them in daycare 3 days a week Monday Wednesday and Friday they dont go in for long  i drop them off around 7am and pick them up by 3pm, so they have enough time to play and learn while mummy has time top clean and do everything that she needs to do,

Both the boys have their party next month i need to start organizing it., Jason is turning 2 and Deacan is turning 1 so they are having a party together easiest thing until they know the difference,

though yeah tats it at the moment will write more later when the boys are being better behaved

Trying couple of day

Well all i can say is that the past couple of days have been ever so trying........


they have made it very HARD not to go back to smoking or at least have a coffee though its now been 8 days since i have had a smoke or coffee, and i am not going to let some self absorbed people make me start again i am better than that, and i am not going to stoop to their level and cave as that's probably all that they want

Daniel and I have come into some really shocking news that we are just not read to pass on yet as we are coming to ways to deal with it and to see what is going to happen its our choice no one else its Daniel and my life no one else

though thanks to a good couple of people my view have shot through the roof... so for someone saying that i am so self absorbed and love creating so much drama thanks for feeding it *dickheads*

this is my page views for the past 2 days

Pageviews today

131

Pageviews yesterday

204

thank you for hte stats guy really thanks *waves*  though like seriously can you please stop posting my link on other boards??? like really do you all need to cause more drama, its so funny how people are that gutless they post crap about you where you cant see it i guess that makes them ever so big lol
any how thats it for the time being Jason is crying and wants to get out of bed again and i have tea cooking
so until next time
Sarah xx

Laughing

Why do people seriously have to laugh at my expense for?
People read what i write here and then laugh about it,  i never knew that people could be so sick,
Or really get off on other peoples unhappiness,

Like seriously i have no problem with people reading this thats why i took it off private as i have nothing to hide in here,

though it really makes me Mad when people then have to take the link of my blog to OTHER sites and post it on there for others to bitch and judge me about it
Like seriously how bloody low can some people get,

And people have the nerve to say i have no life LMFAO!!!! look at the you like seriously i can see where you post my link to my blog, i can SEE everyone who sees this LOL and people really think they can get away with it,

The true form of a bully.....

Since where cant people come and talk to the ones they have a problem with, why do they have to go about things so secretly for? People just dont think DO YOU!!!!!!

Its funny it really is, to see the reffering sites that people have been coming from, and that people think its just so much fun to post my thoughts out there for other people to mock...
Seriously GROW UP get a life and get over yourself

So Happy

YAY i am so happy i have been coffee and smoke free for one week now!!!!! YAY

One of those days

Well today has just been "one of those days"

My new phone got switched over today, so i have been trying to figure out how to use it, 

tried getting most of the house work done though that didnt happen lol,

Got a call from the daycare about Deacan they said he had a bad rash and that we needed to pick him up. we wasnt able to get him in to the doctor so instead we took him up to the hospital to get checked out we were up there for about 4 hours just to find out that it was just a Viral rash though i am glad its nothing major

oh and a whole lot of drama started today on the Fertility site that i am a member of,

they all took it upon themselves to think i was TTC  just becuase i have started to chart again, and becuase i went out and brought OPK's and HTP's i brought a lot of OPK's so i can try and pin point the day that i ovulate,  ao i know thats when daniel and i have to be EXTRA careful,

Oh and because our version of BC isnt up to others standards, either we use condoms or Daneil Pulls out either way we are fine,  though even after all that crap with having to defend myself for something i should not have to i still didnt go out for a smoke or have a coffee so I am very happy with that,

SO yeah basiclly with people who dont want drama they why do they cause it themselves for? on this topic of the board there is like 60+ replies to it, and instead of people acting like ADULTS they didnt come and talk to me about it, they had to start up a topic about it,

I very rarely go on that board any more, mainly cos i am to busy to sit there and read/reply to every post there, when i do go on and check whats been said i dont reply to a lot as i don't know what to say. though still why am i even bothering to to explain myself for???

Oh and i have my blog link in my signature on there, then they turn around and say that its jsut drama ra ra ra ra, i dont remember the EXACT words that they used though to be honest i cant be bothered going on there and seeing what they have wrote, cos then i will reply to it  and then add more fuel to the fire,

So Daniel knows that i am back on Fertility Friend and that i am Charting yet, not to sure if he knows that i have OPK's though he hasnt asked about it, if he does i will tell him why,

So besides all that happening today, i havent managed to get the house clean as i have the father in law and his daughter coming over tonight for tea and possible staying the night,

So i am trying to keep all the drama and negativity away from me there has been so much of it with in the past 3 years, i dont need more of it this year,

any how thats all for now,  will update all a bit later,

More than likely the girls from FF are reading this and going to start more crap though oh well

any how chat soon

Sarah xx

What a great day

I honestly wonder what else could go wrong today, it has been one thing after another,

To start with didnt have the best wake up of the morning, though it was such a hot day today, both the boys were home from daycare today so i bet they felt every minute of it, as they are used to being in air conditioning and we only have it in the main bedroom it only gets used when i am really feeling the heat

I got my new phone today just waiting for the numbers to be switched over woot woot,  so trying to learn how to use that, its gongto take a while i think LOL

Had a visit today from the Missionaries it was good for them to drop in and to see if i was ok and see how everything is going, and also to make sure i havent had a smoke or any coffee or tea, though yep nothing for 4 days now and i am feeling so much better, i am eating better and also sleeping better as well

though i need to get tea ready soon having veg and snaggs im really hungry for tea LOL, hope it tastes alright,

Though to top off such a great day today, i spilled  boiling water over my left hand and still now 30 mins later my ring,middle and index finger are still stinging, and have swollen a little, i guess that will be another scare to go with the rest of them....


 but yeah must say good bye time to get tea ready.

Sarah

Big Days

I feel you are ment to have your family there for you on your big days

Most of my big days i have had family there for me,
My wedding day, the birth of Bryce and Jason, Bryces funeral all of those i had family there for me and to share that day with me,

The birth of Deacan i had to do all on my own, I had no one there, i went through the labour on my own, i remember just how scared that i was,
Though now i have another big day coming up in a couple of weeks,
my baptism,
This day is a huge big step for me, just to bad i cant have family there with me, My father in law is going to come if he isnt working,
Though Daniel wont be there, guess i shouldnt expect anything less hey....

An Attraction...

Is it normal to have an attraction to someone you would never think you would? im married have been for going on 4 years this year, have 3 kids and i guess you could say that i am happy, I dont know i get out of bed each morning i guess thats a start

So with all this is it normal to be finding my self attracted to another person? I feel guilty for having these feelings/thoughts,

I just cant seem to shake them

Maybe i am starting to look to much into it, maybe i just need to try and forget it, put it out of my head

Cant do it

I honestly cant do this any more i really cant, i have had about enough
Im trying my hardest NOT to smoke or drink coffee or have any alcohol and i am doing very well, i have been with out or 2 days now,

I am going to get a ticker going so i can see just how long i have been with out,

Though yeah back to what i was saying,  Things between Daniel and i are really not good i am over it I know i keep bitching about it though at the moment i cant take it any more,
Daniel knew just how hard this was going to be for me, as i have smoked since year 7, i have drank coffee for as long as i can remember, so it was a really big thing for me to Quit,
though no he doesnt understand,
He couldnt even make it easy for me yesterday, like yeah he didnt smoke in my car, though he stopped and got me a V yesterday so i had some srt of Pick me up though he went and a got huge bottle of "Iced coffee" knowing that i couldnt drink it, then last night with tea he comes home with a coke for me (i very rarely drink coke) and he got another HUGE bottle of "iced coffee" it was like he was rubbing my nose in it.....

Today hasnt been to bad it has had its moments, i am trying to eat when ever i want a smoke, so with any luck i will pile on the weight (i'd be happy with that)

Though yeah with Daniel and i, i really don't think i am going to try any more i really dont see the point.... i have been trying for years though never got anything from it, in all honesty  i only think Daniel and i got back together because  of Deacan,  And maybe also because he would of had to pay a lot in child support for both boys.... I dont know really

I just dont care.....

Isnt It Funny

Now im not to sure if people are going to understand where i am coming from or yet even what i mean by this post,
Though you know when you listen to a song and then you can say that song so suits me at the moment,

The song i have been listening to and have been for a while is kenny rogers "Buy Me A Rose"

"Buy Me A Rose"

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
A three car garage, her own credit cards
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss good night
If he could only read her mind, she'd say:

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

Now the days have grown to years of feeling all alone
And she can't help but wonder what she's doing wrong
Cause lately she'd try anything to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said:

Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is a story of you and me

So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
Cause I'm gonna make things right
For the rest of your life
I'm gonna hold you tonight
Do all those little things
For the rest of your life.

I really feel that this song suits me at the moment  the one bit that really stands out is

Now the days have grown to years of feeling all alone
And she can't help but wonder what she's doing wrong
Cause lately she'd try anything to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said:

I guess part of me isnt happy, I haven't been happy for years,
though yeah there isnt anything anyone can do about it, its no one elses problem, its a two way street, and i am seriously sick of being the only who one who tries or cares,

So know i just give up, i'll just keeping living each day though im not going to try any more, i guess they say living each day or just passing through the motions,