Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Random Post

I was going through all my old writing that i have done and i come across this

Life As A Single Mum
Part 1

Well where do i start? I really thought that things between my husband and i were going alright,
though I guess I was wrong.Like sure Daniel and I had our fair share of problems though what married couple doesnt?
I know that daniel and I had been arguing for a while due to some problems
I know it didnt help that the house was always a mess, I know I should of kept it cleaner that what i did
part of the reason why I didnt is because i am lazy. and thing "whats the point keeping it clean when we hardly get visitors?"
though also I cant do to much at one time as my body really hurt, I have a bad back *to many car accidents*.
Also I have fractured my hip 3 times in the same spot over 3 years and have a problem with my knees that i have had since i
was a child some days my body hurst that bad i can only just lift Jason.
Though there are days when i do get into the house work and start cleaning up, though thats when Jason will start,
either he is really wingy and just wants the attention or he is jsut in one of those moods, then by the time i fix Jason
up i forget what i am doing, like dont get me wrong i'm [b]NOT[/b] blaming Jason at all for any of this though
just sometimes its because of him i dont get stuff done
Then there is also money problems though we never used to have them when i wored as well,
though i dont work no so we was just on the one income plus the little amount that i got off centerlink,
so we have been trying to work those out though have had no luck, So daniel stresses about that as he works a 40+
hour week he also does some overtime here and there as well, it also doesnt help that i am pregnent again,
though thats one story i dont really want to get into right now

Daniel and i have been through so much together in 2 years its not funny
We lost our first child Bryce on 23/04/08 ge was born at 23 weeks & 4 days gestation due to a placentral abrubtion
and an incompatant cervix, though at the time i didnt know that i had that problem, though by the time i made it to the
hospital it was to late they were unable to stop the labour or save Bryce.Still to this day i blame myself for it,
i know that it wasbt my fault though it was my body that couldnt hold him in, and i often wonder what would of happend
if i got to the hospital quicker would they have been able to save him? so i dont know if this guilt that i am carrying
around has contributed to all of this or not
Daniel quiet often tells me that its not my fault though can see the hurt and the pain in his eyes everytime i look
at him, also Bryce looked jsut like Daniel so everytime i look at Daneil i can see him
Daneil was so strong during the birth of Bryce also after planning his furneral and during it, he stayed strong
and held it together for me, as i was an utter mess and could stop crying or wondering why, so because of daniel doing
that he hasnt had his chance to let it out and greive, still to this day 18 months later the memories and thoughts of it
all cut deep, i have this hole in my heart that wont close so if its hurting me this much i cant imagin how daniel is feeling.
4 months after loosing bryce i feel pregnent with Jason right from the star i started having problems carrying him.
I had heavey bleedind, sever cramps and i was told at 8 weeks that i was going to misscarry due to sac seperation,
so i placed myself on stricked bed rest and 4 weeks later the sac had reconnected, at 13 weeks gestation things started
looking up as everything had stopped all until i had an ultrasound at 21 weeks to check my cervix i then found out that
i had started to go into labour..
The doctors addmitted me into hospital straight away to have an emergency stitch placed into my cervix, though at 25 weeks
and 4 days gestation Jason decided that he wasnted out, the day i went into labour i was at work, i kept getting these
niggling pains that came and gone so i wasnt sure if it was Braxton Hicks or the real deal so i gave it about 30 mins to
an hour and the got worse, so i had work call me an ambulance, my boss came with me to the hospital ad stayed with me
until Daniel got there, they tried everything to stop the labour they slowed it donw thouh didnt stop it,
7.30am the next morning they started back up again they took my stitch out at 10.30am abd u diolated 4cm straight away,
11.30pm that night Jason Beau was born,
he spent 88 days in total in the NICU and Special Care, and now he is almost 8 months old
5 months after jason was born i find out that Prengnant again with baby number 3, so i guess with everything that has
happend i can understand why Daniel isnt happy about it though as i said to Daniel this baby never asked to be made or
brought into this world, so what right do i have to take it away? and i also know that if this baby doesnt want to be
here it will either leave my body or this world when it wants.

Life has it's up's & down's my past has been full of them I have had 2 abusive partners and then the love of my life,
Life i know can be hard though it can also be great and i always live by the moto "What doesn't kill you only makes you
stronger" I remember my dad always telling me that, when ever something bad had happend.
My father would have to be my role modle, as he has pretty much been through what i am going through now,
and we both pretty much have the same views in life
See dad and i are quiet similar as we have both been left with young children to look after Dad was roughly 22 or 23
years old when him and mum first split up and he was left with a 1 1/2 year old and a 6 month old with no real help but
his mum to help raise us, And with me i am 23 years old with an 8 month old to look after and i am also 13 weeks pregnant
with no real help but from Danielle who is my mother in law.
Daniel is great like year we have our up's and down's with each other though push come to shove she is always there
for me, I owe danielle my life, because if it wasnt for her i more thant likely wouldnt be here now, as i nearly lost my
life when i delivered my first son Bryce, as i lost just under 4L of blood in 2 hours and if it wasn't for danielle
rushing me to the hospital when she did Daniel would of lost a son and a wife that day and not jsut a son

I also understand why my dad used to gt worried about me so much as i admit that i wasnt the best or easyist child to look
after as i was either in trouble or always hurting myself.
I guess i am possibly the reason my father has so many grey hairs as i am the cause of most of them the first time that
i can rememeber scaring him half to death was when i was in year 1, im sure i was 5 years old and we was living in
Devonport Tasmainia dad was in the kitchen cooking tea for Natalie and I and we were both outside playing on the
trampoline i can remember at that age all i wanted to be was an Iceskater, Im not sure if the winter olympics was on or
was just on. Though i remember taking my shoes off leaving my socks on and sliding around the metal edge i fell and
landed on the drain and broke my arm dad rushed me straight to the hospital, and didnt leave my side he stayed at the
hospital with me over night i remember the hospital would let him sleep in the hospital bed beside me jsut incase
another child needed it so they brouhg out this fold out stretcher bed and he placed in beside my bed right next to me
and thats where he slept for the night though he would always pop his head up to check on me
Dad used to always tell me as a teenager that a parent is never ment to bury their children and its ment to be the other way
around, And now after loosing Bryce i know what he ment and i truely understand

One thing that is really getting to me at the moment is that people tell me that i am lucky that i am prem babies and that i
dont go to term though i disagree how can it be lucky to have a child so early that i have to bury it? i think thats really
lucky for me, like i might be over reacting though that was the worse day of my life, having a child and for him not
to be able to live his life or see the open world, to be told by the doctors that while you are in labour that your
child does not stand a chance, yeah thats really lucky hey???? Then to have a second child early and watch him fight for his
life and watching him fighting for every breath that he takes? how is that lucky? like yeah i am LUCKY that he did survive
and that he is here with me now and i wouldnt give him up for the world though how is all this lucky? i would do anything
to be able to go to term, and then the people that tell me i am lucky turn around and bitch that their baby is giving them
hell and that they want their baby to be born any where from 30 weeks onwards and that every thing will be fine
though you know what, while Jason was in the NICU there was a 29 and a 30 weeker brought in that was not sick or anyhting
the only reason why they were in there was because they were early and both of them didnt make it, so it really doesnt matter
how early you baby is born to if they survive or not if they are born at 25 weeks or 35 weeks if figure it all depends
on their willingness to fight for their life, and as sad as it is some times the fight jstu gets to hard for them
and it breaks my heart to see little babies there fighting for their lives, and also for the mums and dads as its not something
thats easy to go through
though yeah i am lucky arent i? sorry it jsut makes me so angry, like yeah i am proberly over reacting and al or took what
are saying the wrong way though they dont clarify what they are saying,

If i went back 3 or 4 years ago i would of never thought my life would be like it is now, though you know what i would change
what i have got now for the world yeah my life might not be the best i might not have the most flashy things a person
could own though what i have is mine, i have a little boy watching over me, i have a gorges little boy that fought
so hard to be here, i married the love of my life, even though we are seperated now i still wouldnt of changed a thing,
if i could go back in time i would of still married him and give me the chance i would do it all over again
I addmit i have not really had the best past in the world, though what i ahve been through makes me the person i am now
i have had my fair share of up and downs and things you wouldnt even tell your grand mother about, though they were
all my own choices, i had a bad stint of booze, drugs and one night stands after one night stands,
i remember that i would get that high on either valium or E's then get myself tanked full of booze, some nights
i would wake up and not no where i was, im not saying there is any excuses for what i have done or that what i have
done is right, though it took a massive wake up call to get me out of the life i was living, im guessing that if i
kept going the way i was i wouldnt of had Bryce,Jason nor little pumpkin i am pregnent with now, i wouldnt of married the love
of my life either, though im not also one of those people who say i have been there and done that, though i have done a bit in
my past, i always try and give advise,help and support when ever i can and to who ever wants it, some time people might not
like what i have to say though i am not going to give them the wrong advice or lie to them, i am straight to the point
and honest about it all i have nothing to hide, and if i can help some other person whether they are a child, teenager or
a grown adult i am going to try

I now realise jsut how hard it is to be a single mum, i really thought that i would be alright with it as i really throught
i was already acting like a single mum when i was with daniel, though the truth is being a single mum is a 24/7 job
at least with a job you work from 9 to 5 then get to go home and do what ever, though with kids its never ending not even
they are in bed, you still hav to keep an ear out for them to make sure they are ok, also when they wake up in the middle of
the night you need to get up,
my hat goes off to ALL single mums out there as i now know its not as easy as it looks

Its been 19 1/2 months now since my son was taken away from me, still not a day goes by that i dont think about him
or think about how life could of been, or what he would look like, i still get teary eyed now and again about him
though i do know that he is watching over me and i know that he would want me to be happy,

So i am now 27 weeks and 4 day pregnent with Deacan and i have now been stuck in hospital now for 6 weeks cos little deacan
decided that he wanted to be born at 22 weeks gestation, the doctors stop the labour of course though they have been telling
me that its going to be any day now though 6 weeks later he is still here, i went into labour last saturday i was contracting
really badly they let me labour for 2 hours, though i had not started to diolate at that stage, though mind you i still had
1cm of cervix that had to shorten first before i would of started to diolate, so then they decided to stop it,it took 3 hours
after that for the contractions to slow down and stop so it worked
so now little deacan in fully head down and engaged, and it hurts, as his head is that far down into my hips and pelvis
it isnt funny though i am greatful that he is still inside baking away and getting stronger each day
though i am just over the pain, and i hate taking so many pain killers, as i could only imagin how much of it deacan is
getting through him,

Just wanted to share this thats all dont know how long ago i wrote this though

No comments:

Post a Comment