So Tired

I am so so so so so tired this morning
I havent been sleeping well for the past week i keep waking up during the night and finding it hard to get back to sleep,
though last night started off good, i went to bed at 8pm and i didn't wake up until Daniel started to give me a back rub cos he woke up horny,

So i done the good wife thing and gave him sex even though i didn't want it, then it took me forever to get back to sleep, mind you its 1am at this point (when he woke me up) then deacan started on and off though i didnt go in and get him up cos he was just whining though he got up at 4am though fell back asleep on his bottle

I think today after i drop the kids at daycare i will come home and go back to bed..... or ill do the house work, then sleep

Daniel & I

Well i guess this post has been a long time coming

things are just getting way out of hand and i just cant take it any more, the more i keep it inside the more angry and upset i get,

Things with daniel and i have been up and down for a very long time, from the death of our son to the birth of Deacan we have been through so much, we have separated for about 6 or so months we have made up things have been great and things have been hell,

there is no real big thing causing problems its a lot of little things, i am constantly the one who does the majority of things, like house work cook etc, and yes before October i wasnt working so i didnt mind doing it all though now i am working, i have 2 hours a day to get everything clean before i need to go to work then most days i dont get home to about 7pm if not later, then come the weekends i spend cleaning looking after the boys and maybe have a nap during the day as i am so tired,
Our biggest problem at the moment is the computer the majority of Daniels time where he isn't at work is spent on the computer i know that he goes on there to unwind and chill out though it shouldn't been all the time, like yes i spend a bit of time on the computer though i also do house work and tend to the boys and other stuff as well and it isn't like i just sit on it i get up move around play with the kids etc, though if daniel had it his way it would just sit on there and not move, the only real reason he gets off it most days is to get a drink or get something to eat or go to the bathroom or go for a smoke, thats it, his days routine is Get up, go to the toilet, turn the computer on, go for a smoke then sit on the computer, get ready for work, leave for work, spend all day at work on the computer come home turn his computer on have a smoke, sit on the computer until tea is ready eat tea hop back on the computer then stay there until i go to bed, and if deacan is still up he tends to deacan though mostly sits on the computer,
Daniel has quite often told me how he hates being so over weight though yet does nothing about it, i try not to buy munchy food in the shopping or coke or anything like that so he doesn't have it though then Jason and myself have to go with out, It seems like a major effort to get him to do any type of physical activity like play with the boys where they get his full attention, mow the lawn, or the house work,
Like yesterday for example he broke out into a massive sweat just from sweeping the front patio, the only reason why he done that was because his boss was coming over so he decided to help out a bit,
Daniel has signed up to the gym he was going like 3 to 5 days a week, then stopped once he had jason for 10 weeks straight while i was in hospital, though now that we are all back here, he told me that he was going to start going again, that was months ago, we are paying money paying for gym fees that we can not afford and he isnt even going there,

I can see the way that Daniel is going he is going to put himself into an early grave and i dont want that i love Daniel and i want our kids to have their father around though the way he is going he wont be around for long, every time i try to talk to Daniel about all this either he changes subject or we get into a massive fight about it, so i just don't bother any more, i really dont know what to do any more i cant sit here and watch him slowly killing himself, i dont want the kids to loose their father though i dont want to loose my husband,  i have thought about entering daniel into the biggest looser though i can see he wouldn't do it and health wise i don't think he would be able to do it,

I think the biggest thing with all our problems and with him being so lazy is that he just doesnt have the energy or the care to do anything and i really do think that most of that comes from being over weight i have always told daniel that i will stand by him 110% and back him with what ever he wants to do, though i am not going to back him with him slowly killing himself, you can lead a horse to water though you cant make it drink it......

I really dont know what to do anymore :(

Weight

Well i guess i should go and jump onto the scales and see what they say, i dont have digital ones like the doctors, just the old fashion ones lol though i'm guessing it wont be as accurate as his, though i guess as long as it hasnt gone down thats a good thing,
I put on a T-Shirt yesterday and it was tight on me, i dont think i have put that much weight on lol, im guessing it has shrunk a bit in the wash

2011 bring it on

All I can say is bring on 2011

All i want to do is bring on the new year, with any luck it has to be better than this one, I know there are people worse off out there than me though this year has been one hell of a year and by the looks of it, it isnt going to end well :(

I really dont know what to do any more or just how much more of anything i can take,

The kids are ok they are just being kids, demanding and much more needy at the moment, and they just want more than what i can give,I spend lost of time with Jason and Deacan a lot of one on one time and a lot of group play with them, though it just seems like its not enough for them, they just keep draining me, i know its just a child thing and its part and parcel of having children, its just draining thats all

Work is going good, though i am going to start looking for a full time job instead of the casual job that i have that way if i need to have time off because the children are sick or because I am i know that i will still get paid for it, though work to has its moments as well, i am meant to get 1 sale per hour that i work, though with leading up to Christmas people just didnt want to do it, knowing to well that it would void their warranty,  though i am hoping that the new year people will want to do it so i dont loose my job, i have asked my father in law to pass the word around and to get people to give me a call if they want something done and to ask for me specially and gave him the hours that i work so if they do call and want to book something in i get it and not one of the other girls,and also so it looks good on me because i am keeping up with my KPI's I really dont mind the work that i do it is as hard as you want to make it and as easy as you want to make it,

As for Daniel and I thats a whole different entry that i will make later,

so much has happened in 2010 i just want it to be over with like yeah good stuff has happened like the birth of beautiful Deacan, Jason starting to walk and grow up now, i am very grateful that both the boys are still here as we have had our ups and downs with them and there has been quite a few very close calls for them

though all i can say is bring on 2011 

Rain

I am so over the rain now its been raining for weeks, up north of us in townsville they are coping it so bad, i took some photos of our yeard after a 5 to 10 min down fall this is how much we flood in 5 to 10 mins i would hate to see it if it was longer

and its forecast to stay around for a couple of more days still

Asking to much?

Well i guess i am asking to much i think.

Im sick of our house looking like a pig sty, all i am ever seeming to do is clean, i get it half way nice and clean then the kids come home and its not dirty though just becomes untidy,
I guess it would be to much to ask to get Daniels help hey??? like yeah i do understand that he works 5 days a week from about 8am to about 6pm, though i work to i might not do the hours that he does, though i work from 12 to 6pm monday to thursday then from 12 to 5pm on friday, i get up early to the boys some morning its around 4am, i get them ready for daycare, leave at about 6.30 dont get home to around 8ish, then that gives me 2 hours to get the place clean again, bottles toys picked up vacuuming dishes and washing then i get ready for work at 10 then leave at 11am, so come a weekend or before he goes to work it would be nice if i had a bit of a hand
He honestly wonders why i get so tired and why i go to bed early when i can or have a nap during the day on the weekend, though after doing everything and dealing with the kids on the weekend i am truly stuffed, come some days i am just that tired i cant be bothered cooking tea, so it would be nice if tea was cooked for me, Yes i understand that daniel is tired as well, as he stays up most nights to about 10.30-11pm, just incase Deacan wakes back up,though i am still up early of a morning, i dont know i guess i am just asking to much, most nights all he does is sit on the computer and play his games and thats it,i really dont know any more

Q

Am i asking to much?? Does your partner help you out?

Christmas Wish

I find that around the christmas time, that people turn very selfish and its all about getting gifts and who spent more on who and all that bull,

I have one christmas wish one gift that i want, one gift i know i will never get

My one wish/gift that i would love to have is to have my son back

though you wont see me throwing a tatrum because i know that wont be what i will get
though i will make sure that a candle shines brightly for him on the day, i might not have him in may arms like i want though he will be in my heart, i will have his photo shown off with pride  he is still part of the family dead or alive,
Bryce is our angle on our tree, we dont need know star we dont need no fake plastic angel as god is hold our angel for us and keeping him safe, im sure on christmas instead of holding him i will feel his wings wrapped around me instead


My Christmas Wish,......

Always wanted

I dont know why i never have though i have always wanted to get things with Bryce's name on it though when i look at things with peoples names on it, i can never find his name,

Maybe that is a sign, 

i dont know really, maybe Bryce doesn't want me to have things around with his name, as i know i will see them and i would get up set though i really feel like he is starting to fade in the background,

Maybe i am just thinking to much into it

Q,

Have you ever brought anything with your angels name on it? what did you get and how does it make you feel to look at it

Weight Gain

I had a doctors appointment today, all went well i jumped on the scales and i am now 42.3kgs last week i was only 41.9kgs i have had a weight gain of 400g i know it isnt much though its better than nothing, so i got my second steroid injection and now i go back in 2 weeks for another and also another weigh in

Steroids

I had my first steroid injection last week to help me put on weight, the doctor and i have tried everything to help me gain weight though nothing has been working, everyone has been telling me to have shakes etc, though they don't seem to realize that Daniel and i don't have the money for them just to see if they work, the doctor put me on the scales and i am down to 41.9kgs i go back in on Wednesday to get my second one also to get weighed in again, though he said that if my weight keeps coming off that he will have no choice but to admit me into hospital until i gain the weight, if these steroid injections are working i will only be on them for 6 months,, i am only on the minimum dose at the moment so if my weight has stayed the same and i haven't gained any it will be getting increased 

Study

Im thinking about doing some sort of study in between work and what not one that i can do online or at home at my own pace, something that will look good on my resume  or help me in getting a better job though i really dont know what to do and also the cost of it all, does anyone have any suggestions?

Drama

LMFAO!!!!!!!! Im sorry i just find it amusing how people like to cause drama/crap like seriously, 
Long story short, some shit has happened on another friends facebook page, a post was made to me by another person,
here is the post i have left names out as it doesnt need to be put it 

This comment is for SARAH ATKINSON " WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT " you can not have depo shots once a month, it is only 3 monthly shots , most of the time your period stops or you bleed all the time , so not a chance of you getting pregs again, you have weight gain, loss of sexual desire, depression , headaches and loads more... side effects. I have been on depo shots now since feb and hate it , and have looked up a site all about depo shots to find out more info about it and what it does to your body. WAKE UP TO YOUR SELF GIRL .

Like really??? why even bother posting it on someone else's facebook page? why not just post it on my or send it as a message? i'm sorry i know you all dont need to see this though i find it funny i really do, last time i checked we were all adults not little children,

Though another thing i find funny is how its so unbelivable that my doctor was giving me the injection every month instead of every 3 months, he wanted to speed it up,
speed what up you ask?  to hurry up and make it so the egg couldnt embed its self and also because i was having problems with bleeding so he thought if i got it sooner rather than later it would dry the bleeding up also placing me on these little white tablets as well to stop the bleeding,

Though i guess i am just a "drama queen" or a "Hypochondriac"  or a "Lier" or what ever you want to call it, because there was no way for me to be pregnant even through the injection was out of my system, YES the Ultrasound didn't show i was pregnant though the full blood work that he had done did, so for someone who ISN'T pregnant why would they have a beta or hcg level of 63???? though thats right i wasnt....
and as for my medical records being as thick as an encyclopedia LOL   it might surprise you i havent been to the docotrs that much it has mainly been for my children, though i'm guess you know best once again i am wrong,

To be honest I really couldnt give two shits if this gets back to the poster, i really couldnt, as i dont have to explain myself to any one, let alone lie about anything,

Its just funny that people cant come to you if they have a problem with you they have to drag someone else into it, so now unfortunately my friend is now in the middle of it when it had nothing to do with her at all, though i am wondering how the poster found out about all of this considering i dont talk to them, let alone they don't have access to my facebook page as its private though oh well ill just continue to laugh about it, cos really that's all you can do in an instance like this LOL LOL LOL LOL

So much to do/ Over it

There is so much that i need to do today and i REALLY cant see it happening,
I need to go and do shopping so the boys have their food, i need to read/study all the reading material that my new work has given me, as i have a 3 day trial starting as of tomorrow, i need to do the house work, wash Daniels work clothes plus make sure i have work clothes tomorrow, as soon as i go to sit and start reading the stuff for work one of the boys start, so of course i have to put it down and tend to them,
I was ment to start reading it on Friday, though after my doctors appointment and sitting at the doctors for 1 1/2 hours waiting for things to stat happening i wasn't in the mood/ right mind set to read/ learn

Its been 2 days now and Daniel still hasn't asked how the doctors went, and how my results went, he said to my father in law Peter that i haven't said anything to him about it, like i really want to come out and say that i had to have a termination, considering i didn't really want to have one,though i done what was best for my family at the time, as i could see if i kept the baby, i would be raising 3 children under 3 on my own, and i wouldn't be able to do that as i don't have the support that i need for it, I can see that a lot of people are now going to judge me for it, though you know what go a head and do it, I done what was right for my family and for me,
the worse thing about it is i really don't have the support i need now, after going and doing the one thing i am really against, its easy for people to sit there and judge and ridicule, though i now need to live with this for the rest of my life, and to be honest its not going to be easy, it wasn't easy for me to do it in the first place, so go a head throw your worst at me i really couldnt give to shits to be honest 

The Boys

Well i thought it was about time to give you all an update on the boys, They are both going really well
Jason is now walking full time very rarely crawls at all, and now Deacan is trying to crawl, He gets himself up on all 4's and rocks, plus mind you he also rolls all over the ground, and is trying to talk now,
Jason now feeds himself its very messy when he does though at least he is trying, still finding it hard to get him to eat new foods though, he is a really fussy eater, though we will keep trying whats the worse he is going to do? not eat it????
Deacan will eat almost anything that you put in front of him he really loves his food and doesnt seem to be fussy one bit, also he is trying to talk now, it sounds so cute,
Jason now comes out with "Dont touch" and shakes his pointer as he says it

Finally

I finally done it, I asked the doctor for help,
I went and sore the doctor yesterday and told him that i wasn't coping to well with everything that is going on, and that i needed help he said that he has wanted to put me on something for quite a while now, though i kept turning him down, as i wanted to do it myself, and  i was scared that if i went on something or told him i wasnt coping that he would take my kids off me, he said that i have lasted a very long time with out anything and that i am stronger than i think i am, due to everything that i have been through and i still managed to keep it together, The doctor said that he would gladly put me on the mediation to help and he said that he would never take my children off me, and he is proud that i finally asked for help,
I have been trying to deal with this on my own and now it has gotten me so low i couldn't see a way out, i feel a lot better for asking for help,
I was ment to be on anti depressants after loosing Bryce though i didnt want to take anything, and then after having jason i started to suffer from postnatal depression, and i was so ashamed so i didnt ask for help at all, as i didnt want anyone to know, though for the past couple of months things have really been getting on top of me and i feel like i have no control over anything , he said that the medication wont help straight away though it will be between 6 months to 1 year before i notice a well and truly improvement

how much more?

Well so much for things changing hey??? yeah right... they did for a week or so now things are back to the same old normal
like dont get me wrong im not expecting daniel to do everything around the house,  as he goes to work 5 days a week, though possibly help me out on the weekend, or maybe cooking dinner during the week or something, though its like i am expected to do everything keep the house clean, take the boys to and from daycare/appointments, im doing my best looking for work, so i am going to interviews as well, managing the bills doing the food shopping etc, plus on top of that getting up several times during the night/morning to deacan, so most nights after doing all this i dont have the energy to cook tea, plus i also dont no what time daniel is going to be home, as it ranges from 6 to 7.30,
though the thing i dont get is how hard is it to spend some good one on one time with your kids?
he goes to work, spend 8 or so hours in front of a computer then comes home and sits on it all night on it then its the same on the weekend, like yeah i do sit on the computer though i do also spend a lot of one on one time with the kids,
Jason is so clingy towards me now and hardly wants anything to do with Daniel, i dont know if thats cos i spend time with him or not,

Everything is just starting to get to much, i really cant to much more of it, i dont feel like a wife any more i feel like a made or just a convenience

Let down

I'm really starting to get sick of people letting me down,
Daniel and I are always there for other people when ever they need it, whether it is money, help, a shoulder or an ear, or just the company, though it seems like when Daniel and I ever need it no one is there, or they say they will help though something ALWAYS pops up so they cant,
I'm honestly over it,, i well and truly am,

Bitter Sweet

So tomorrow is a very bitter sweet day, a day that i should be happy though i can see that most of it i will be in tears, Tomorrow is Daniel and I's 3rd year wedding anniversary that is the sweet part, though the bitter part is that it was the night that our sweet little angel Bryce was conceived so there will be happy thoughts and sad thoughts,

Daniel and I have been through so much in the past 3 years it feels like we have already lived a life time

I really know that it should be a happy day though even thinking about it no it really upsets me to the point there are tears, 

Somethings going on

Well i dont know what is happening with me lately though something is going on or is wrong,
over the past week i have been getting very very bad lower back pain, i have been that tired i almost fall alseep behind the wheel, i am moody as ANYTHING to the point the kids are just really getting to me (i know they are kids its not their fault and thats what kids do,) Im stressed out of my head, with trying to find work pay bills the kids health my health and just the running's of a normal house, and to top it off my breast have been really starting to hurt and for some reason all of a sudden i have milk again like WTF, i think i might have to book myself into the doctor to see whats going on though this lower back pain hurts/is really annoying its like an ache though throbbing at the same time

Doctor

So i have seen the doctor and he is really worried about my weight as i have been battleing an eating disorder since i was 19  somethings set it off and somethings dont, though i went and seen him about a few other things and yeah he made me jump on the scales and sure enough my weight has dropped because of the stress and so much running around that i am doing,
So he has basicly given me a month to get it back up to either 50 to 55kgs, or ill be re admitted into hospital to gain it again this will be the 3rd time it will have happend so they will not be nice about it this time i will have to have a nose feeding tube and have to be hooked up to it of a night.... im trying my hardest to gain the weight though im just not seeming to, i know i dont eat alot during the day though how can i when i am not hungry i cant force the food down my throat

Food Diary Day 4

30/10

1x handful of Banana lollies
1x meat pie with tomato sauce and cheese added
1x spoonful of nutella
12 x square of chocolate
1x lammington
BBQ tea sausages, eggs,chips
1 bowl of rockmelon

Food Diary Day 3

29/10

5X lammington
1/2 cucumber
1X handful of Banana lollies
1x 420g tin of rice pudding
1x bowl of chip (approx 20 chips) and tomato sauce

Food Diary Day 2

28/10/10

4 x Slice of Pizza
1x Large Banana
1x huge handful of Lollies

(Was in a job interview from 9.30 to 2pm)

Food Diary Day 1

27/10/10

2 small lammingtons
1x banana sandwich (1 med size banana, 2 slices of white bread, margarine and sugar)
3x pizza slices

Gaining Weight,

Well we all know i have problems controlling my weight from a past eating disorder that i suffered from, the only way i seem to gain and keep on weight is when i am pregnant though i dont want it to be the case this time, so today is day one of my gaining weight goal,

Starting weight : 44kgs


Goal weight: 55kgs

I would like to gain this weight in about a month or possibly less so what i am going to do is try my hardest to keep a food diary and i will post here each day what i have eaten and possibly once or twice a week i will jump on the scales and see,
See i'm not like most people i find it VERY hard to keep weight on and to gain it were other people seem to be the opposite they easily put it on and keep it,

Last Couple Of Days

WOW what a past couple of days we have had that's all i can say its been so full on I just hope next week is better I'll start from the start so you have some insight with what has happened
it all started Wednesday i was getting Jason ready for daycare, i wanted to get him there early as i knew i would get a call sometime during the day to pick him up just because of his asthma and coughing that he was having, so i got him to daycare then rushed home to get stuck into the house work as the house was a mess, cos Jason had been home since Friday afternoon, got home and got straight into the cleaning, it was about 8 or 8.30 by the time i got home, i was half way though when i got a phone call at 11.30 am from the daycare saying that Jason had a raging temperature and was coughing to the point he was vomiting and that his Ventolin had not worked when they gave it to him, so I just dropped everything go in the car and took off, also mind you it was pouring down with rain, there was water all over the road and was very hard to see, i called the doctor on the way to see if i could get him in ASAP to been seen to though of course when you really need a doctors appointment they don't have any,
I got to the daycare and Jason was laying on their beds having quite time he was in nothing but a nappy, i picked him up and he was boiling, i got all the info that i needed off the daycare staff his temp was 38 at 11.40 then at 11.50 it had gone to 38.1 and was still rising they had tried everything to get it down, poor Jason was pail as anything so i didn't hesitate to take him up to the hospital,
Got to the hospital and was at the triage desk they took one look at him and told me to bring him in straight away so we went in and to a bed, we seen a doctor straight away, they done a suction of his nose and sent that away for testing,  at this stage im guessing jason was feeling like crap he was crying continuously didn't know what he wanted he wanted up then down then a bottle then to get back up then down this went on for ages, plus with the doctors coming in and looking at his ears and throat and poking and prodding him he was just miserable ,
At this stage i went out side to have a quick smoke and to call Daniel to tell him what was going on, that we were there and getting seen to straight away, i came straight back in to find that they had put Jason on Oxygen, as his Oxygen stats kept staying between 90 and 89 as soon as they put the mask near him his stats picked back up to 99 to 100, they then sent him away for a chest x-ray Jason had white spots all over his lungs then doctors told me that he had bronchiolitis and what looked like the on set on pneumonia so they decided to keep him in for obs and just in case he got worse, Jaosn had to keep his Oxygen on for Wednesday night and some of Thursday morning, he started to get a little better by Thursday though still the doctors came in puzzled not knowing what was wrong, i was getting quite scared cos he was really sick,  and the doctors didn't know how to treat him, though on Friday the doctors came in to examine him as jason was seeming to have gotten better just like that (must of been all the prayers and so forth that i asked for) they said that he had Parainfluenza 3 and bronchiolitis, though because he was doing a lot better and was no longer needing Oxygen we were aloud to come home

Depression

It seems like this day and age that almost 90% of the population is suffering from one sort of depression, and also different severity that others, though i have come to notice   that there are different causes of this, whether it is Drug and alcohol abuse, trauma, suffering a loss doesnt matter if it was a loved one or a child or a friend, Stress, now stress seems to be a big one for most people,

there are also different ways of being able to deal/treat your depression,  everyone is different so something might work for others though not work for some,
there are a lot of way to help treat it you have your medication, talking to a professional about it, writing helps a lot, I write to deal with mine i find that if its out in the open then i am more calm about it, though others like to talk nice calming walks, listening to music or just being able to express them selves,

If a person has depression it doesnt mean that you need to treat them any differently or you should stay away from them,

Ask a question

ok so i got this idea from my Friend Lisa Jasper, Forever our First-Born

ok so you have the opportunity to ask me ANY question at all, all questions will be answered, it can be a personal question about myself, bryce or my family it could be any general question at all,
I will respond to all questions that are asked as a blog post, so please leave your question in the comment box below

Information

Ive been thinking quite a bit and i want this blog to also be full of information for other mums and dads as well,  so my question to everyone who reads this is what sort of information would you like to see on here?

Work

You would really think that it should be easy to find work hey? .... Its not as easy as i thought it would be, there are a lot of jobs out there though a lot that i cant do because at the moment i am unable to work Tuesday, and a lot of jobs out there are of course Monday through to Friday, i have even started to apply for McDonald's  job just to be turned do with "we have found someone more suitable for the position" yeah right you mean you have found someone younger,
I am so sick of being turned down for work, a lot of places have turned me down because i have children, and they think that it would be best if i am at home with them, though in the real world you need to work to be able to help provide  for them i don't have some sugar daddy to pay for the bills Daniel works his ass off every week and just brings in enough to pay for rent and a few other things, i am so sick of him busting it out there working so hard to try and get the overtime just so he can provide for us
Daniel hardly gets to see Jason during the week as he may get to see him for about an hour before he leaves for work or when i take them to daycare then he is in bed when Daniel gets home from work,
So if i return back to work i can help take the pressure off Daniel so he doesn't have to put in the over time (even though he still will) though he doesn't HAVE to he can come home on time and see his family,

Why does having to work be so hard, i am willing to do anything just about i have been applying for so much work just to get called in for an interview to be turned down for it, i give every interview 110% though i guess that's just not go enough any more :( its so disheartening.... it really makes you think how a person/family are able to provide for the loved ones... makes things tough

Been a while

So its been awhile since i have last posted anything,
every time i sit down to write something happens with the kids or i go to sit and write and my mind becomes blank, and have no idea what to write,

I have been trying to help a god friend of mine latley as she has suffered a loss, though unlike most of us baby loss mummas she never go to see or hold her little one or even get the chance to find out the sex of her baby, as she was only 17 weeks along, my heart really breaks for her and for all the other mothers and fathers out there as well for having to go through this,
I'm finding it hard with what to say to her, though i am always offering my ear or shoulder if she ever needs it,
I remember after loosing Bryce there was not much anyone could say or do though just having that person on the other end of the phone or MSN was great to be able to talk to them and let out what i was feeling, I did suggest to her that possibly writing about it might help as i have found that writing has helped me though i know writing isnt for everyone,

So as well all know this weeks is remembrance week so i would like to take the time to ask everyone to please think about all the other parents that have lost their children as well if that is ok please,

things with me have been getting there, i still have my good and bad days as i am still finding around the house little things of bryce's through out the house
I am also feeling quite guilty as i have not been out to see him in a very long time, i find that i go to drive out there to say hello and i start crying before i even get there so i turn around and come back.. Im not sure why i am getting like this as i used to be ok driving out there it was just once i got there and seen his tomb stone i start crying,

"Through The Eyes Of A Broken Heart"

When my husband and I got married little did we know that our wedding night would change our lives from that day on?

It was your typical night that one newly married couple would have romantic,  what more could you want, a lovely hotel room with your newly beloved, room service, and a view to die, need I say more,

5 weeks later I was feeling a bit off, I knew I was sick, I had the day off work, so I decided to do food shopping, I had all the signs of being pregnant though didn’t have the morning sickness at that stage, I couldn’t handle the smell of some foods, I had some back pain off and on, my breasts hurt and I was really moody, and I wasn’t 100% if my period was late or not, though I was doing the shopping and I came to the isle that  the home pregnancy tests were in and they were really on special so I decided to get one and just test as I didn’t think for one minute that I was pregnant, so after I finished the shopping I got home put it all away and though I might do that test, straight away the two lines came up I remember sitting on the toilet shocked and stunned little did I know that, that little pee stick was going to change my life forever, I let my husband know that I was pregnant as he was at work, I didn’t want to email him as I didn’t know if he was at his desk or not, I didn’t want to call him as I knew he wouldn’t answer so I took a photo of the test with my mobile and sms it to him, the only response I had for at least 5 sms back was “WTF .......” 

About 5 or so weeks later I started to bleed I thought the worse, as I had had quite a few miscarriages in the past and I swore it was happening all over again, so off to the hospital I race, just to find out it was normal to bleed in the early stages so they gave me my RH- injection and sent me on my way, things seemed pretty much ok after that, up until the 23^rd April 2008 little did I know that, that day would be one of the saddest days I would ever have to entail

I still blame myself for not going to the hospital in time with Bryce, after calling the hospital to tell them that I was having pains they told me it was only Braxton hicks and not to worry about it, that was at 6 am on the 23/04/08, I called a friend of mine as I was really scared and didn’t know what to do, though deep down I knew what was going on I just didn’t want to face it, (is that normal??)
at about 9am my friend showed up to take me back to her place, at this stage the pains were coming and going, though it was about a 30min trip to her place, I got there made a coffee, went to the toilet started getting some more pains, so I went to check my cervix to make sure I hadn’t started to dilate, though I was really swollen on the inside
I went out and told her what was going on and that I had started to bleed,
Then the pain had hit, I am on all fours at her back door panting like a dog, and screaming out it’s too soon it’s too soon,
the hospital tells my friend  to bring me up to get checked out so she puts me in the car with a towel under me, the pains get worse, at this stage they are about 2 to 5 mins apart lasting form 1 to 5 mins,
I really felt like I was going to die, I have never been in so much pain in my life,
I get up to the hospital they take me into a room and the doctor comes in to check me out, I will never forget the words she told

"I’m  sorry there is nothing we can do you are 8cm, you son is being born today I’m sorry"

in an instant my heart smashed into a lot of tiny pieces,
I got my friend  to call my husband he came straight in, I don’t really remember to much of what happened, I know I was bleeding a heap, they said that I lost just under 2L of blood in 4 hours, I had to have 2 blood transfusions, and an epidural as they thought I had to go for an emergency c section,
then we had a lady come in and tell us that Bryce would only have a 20% chance of surviving and out of that 20% there was a 50% chance that he would not make it through the night
so my husband  and I had to play god, either get Bryce worked on even though he might not make it or just hold him until he passed away in our arms, it was the hardest decision we  ever had to have made,
So we decided to just hold him, though 30 mins before I had Bryce he passed away as I couldn’t feel him move or kick me and the nurse couldn’t find his heart beat,
I remember getting all tired and dizzy then the doctors and my husband yelling at me breath Sarah breath, stay with us, you need to breath,
though that’s all I can really remember though I know at 3.45pm 23/04/08 little Bryce was born weighing 595 grams 29 cms long and had a head size of 21.5 cms,
we buried him the day before mother’s day,

Every mother and father have their own stories on how their little angel/s were born and why, after losing Bryce I have spoken to a lot of mothers and fathers that have gone through the same, and there is one thing almost all of us have in common we all seem to blame ourselves, with the “what if’s” and the “ I should of”  don’t get me wrong I am not saying that we shouldn’t feel like this or have those little words come into our minds as I know it’s natural for us to feel like that, like we could of done more or it is out fault, I still blame myself to this day even  knowing it wasn’t my fault though it doesn’t change anything, it was my body that couldn’t seem to hold him, I felt like my body just rejected him, I have been told off a lot of people that Bad things happen for a reason, though what could of been the reason for taking an unborn child away from its parents? Their loving parents have also been told that “God has a better plan” or “god only takes the best”  I used to get so angry when I heard that,  there was a stage where I hated god as he thought he had the right to take our child away from us, What gave him the right to do that? What made our son so special that he was more needed in heaven that down here with us? Though thinking about it now, my husband and I have been blessed with 2 other children, and the doctors have said that if we didn’t loose Bryce that the problem i have now would of gone undetected

tomorrow

Well tomorrow is kinda a busy day for me, i find out if i have that job at Cardio Tech, I'm really hoping that i do get it, he basically told me i had it, though to be considerate of others he was going to continue the interviews and let me know Monday, i have another interview on Monday at my old work basically to be a run around person though only up until Christmas, and im not to sure if i should continue to job hunt today or just wait until i find out about the job or not

"Through The Eyes Of A Broken Heart"

Hey guys i have decided to do some writing i am unsure yet if i should turn it into a book or not, I want to be able to let other angle mums know that they are not alone,  I want to be able to add quotes from angel pages and true quotes that will help the suffering, i haven't been writing it for long though this is what i have to start off with, let me know what you think (honestly)

When my husband and I got married little did we know that our wedding night would change our lives from that day on?

It was your typical night that one newly married couple would have romantic,  what more could you want, a lovely hotel room with your newly beloved, room service, and a view to die, need I say more,

5 weeks later I was feeling a bit off, I knew I was sick, I had the day off work, so I decided to do food shopping, I had all the signs of being pregnant though didn’t have the morning sickness at that stage, I couldn’t handle the smell of some foods, I had some back pain off and on, my breasts hurt and I was really moody, and I wasn’t 100% if my period was late or not, though I was doing the shopping and I came to the isle that  the home pregnancy tests were in and they were really on special so I decided to get one and just test as I didn’t think for one minute that I was pregnant, so after I finished the shopping I got home put it all away and though I might do that test, straight away the two lines came up I remember sitting on the toilet shocked and stunned little did I know that, that little pee stick was going to change my life forever, I let my husband know that I was pregnant as he was at work, I didn’t want to email him as I didn’t know if he was at his desk or not, I didn’t want to call him as I knew he wouldn’t answer so I took a photo of the test with my mobile and sms it to him, the only response I had for at least 5 sms back was “WTF .......” 

About 5 or so weeks later I started to bleed I thought the worse, as I had had quite a few miscarriages in the past and I swore it was happening all over again, so off to the hospital I race, just to find out it was normal to bleed in the early stages so they gave me my RH- injection and sent me on my way,

I just thought to start with that a bit of back ground might be good first before getting to the parts that will make you cry,  I dont no if i am being foolish or not wanting to help people and trying to let them know that they are not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, i guess if anything this will help me in the long run

Job interview

I had a job interview yesterday for a company called "Diana Ferrari" it was a group interview i felt like i done really well, though find out by Friday if i got it or not,
though yesterday afternoon on the way home from picking up the boys at daycare i received a   phone call from another company i applied for and have an interview today, this one is for "Cardio Tech" so looking foward to that one to

Update

Well i havent posted in here for a while so i thought its about time that i update everyone with whats happening in my world,

First off, Jason is now walking YAY its so cute to see him walk, he isnt walking you or I at the moment though he is taking a good couple of steps everywhere he wants to go, he walks now before he crawls, Jason is also taking less bottles now, so i think it might be the time to start upping the juice and only having bottles when its sleep time and as soon as he gets up, Also going to start toilet training soon as he is starting to show signs,

Secondly Deacan is now trying to crawl and he gets cranky when he cant he spends a lot of time on his belly now, and is eating at least 2 tins of solids a day, we are also teething now to, so i am really enjoying be up every morning at either 2 or 3am NOT

Job hunting is going good, I have applied for a lot of jobs and i have an interview tomorrow im looking forward to it though i am not going to get my hopes up, as i did with surpree as she made it sound like i was going to get a position and i never did, so fingers crossed this one works out well,

I have been trying to sort my "friends" out on facebook as i did have over 600 though a lot of them were from game apps, though now i am sorting people in categories of "Family" "Friends" "Close Friends" then game apps I.E farmvill, Cafe World etc, i also have a lot of random adds on there and i am over everyone knowing whats going on, as when i post some stuff i dont want everyone seeing it, so now i just select certain groups that can see it, I sent out a message to everyone to let me know what game apps they play and also what categories they fall under, its strange that just how many people just dont understand.... if people cant take the time to jsut send me a message saying then i dont think i have the time to have them on my list so i have given everyone 2 weeks to reply and if they dont the are getting deleted i dont care who they are,

So thats pretty much everything that has been happening i know a boring life LMFAO,

To much

Things are starting to become a bit to much everything is so stressful at the moment,
so i am still looking for work over all the jobs i have applied for i have only had 1 interview though no call back after that, it makes it hard because i can work everyday but Tuesdays, i am still waiting for a position to become available at the boys daycare to place them in there for then, at the moment it costs me $198 thats for 3 days a week, if they go in for the other 2 days as well it goes up to just under $460, i know thats a lot of money though we cant afford for me to be at home not working, I have sent an Email to the director of the daycare to see if they have any Tuesdays free yet, if they do i might just bight the bullet and put them in, as there are so many jobs out there that i am qualified for though i cant do because they are only Monday to Friday... though Daniel doesn't seem to understand about me putting them in 5 days a week as i don't have a job yet, though whats the point applying for the Monday to Friday jobs if i loose the Tuesday spots,

On top of all that Jason's heart appointment is coming up next week and i am really scared about it, i'm petrified that he will have to have heart surgery i have had a lot of people tell me that its straight forward, or they have known people that have had to have it and all worked out fine, though there is so many complications that can go wrong with it, we are so LUCKY to even have Jason here with us as they only gave us a 40% chance of being able to ring him home, i would break if something happened to him, he has fought though so much and come so far, and yes i know he is a fighter though no one knows if one of the complications will or will not happen,

It just feels like everything is piling on top of me, i feel like i need a break or a get away just so i can have some me time, a stress free time, and before any ones says yes i do get some sort of a break with them being in daycare, though they are only in 3 days a week and i don't leave them in there for long they go in  between 7 and 8 and i pick them back up by 3pm, then when they are there i am busy here at home doing all the house work and trying to get the place clean, looking for work, doing food shopping or any other appointments i have, i dont get a chance any more to catch up on sleep any more so i am basically running on 4 hours sleep a day if that,

In the mean time trying to keep up with the house hold chores making sure Daniel has a good meal every night to eat trying to get Jason walking properly and catching up to other kids his age as he is still behind quite a lot,

I wouldn't recommend to anyone having 2 kids so close together as it REALLY takes it out of you,

In the meantime dad's ex girlfriend the stupid mole stole from me, her and dad was ment to buy off me a brand new tv cabinet, book case, tv and a few other items, also i was storing my futon there untill i could get someone to help me move it, plus with jasons bits and pieces plus they borrowed a few of my dvds well things between them when sour and she "apparently" got rid of the items, like fucking hell they were not her items to get rid of, the futon was basiclly brand new,  all she gave back was jasons porta cot, his high chair and the tv minus the remote, stupid mole, like things might work like that in her world where she can just get rid of things or steel them and not get in shi for it though in the real world and the white world things dont happen like that

Heart Surgery

Jason has his Heart appointment on the 20th i am so scared for the little guy, if his hole in his heart hasnt closed up he has to go for heart surgery, they will check his groind while he is there to see if they can go that way, though if they cant they will be doing open heart surgery,
I asked a firend about it as he had to have it and he said the only thing if Jasons favor is that he is young, though there is so many risks for it,
He can have a heart attack an anurisem (sp), a stroke, an arrest (as they have to stop his hear to work on it)
Im so scared i no he is a tough little man, though he has already had to fight to be here i dont know what i would do if we lost him.... and the worse thing is he has to have the surgery if it hasnt closed, its not something that we can just leave and hope if you know what i mean,

Why?

I have been wanting to post this for a while and every time i think about what i am going to write i end up crying, though i have been often wondering WHY about alot of things,
 am finding myself wondering why did god have to take my son away? why did he think he had the right to? Why did he think that Bryce was better of with him then 2 loving parents? and why did he almost take my life as well?
I miss him so much i want him to be here with us not in some box in the ground, its just not fair, the doctors can not give us any answers still to this day just under 2 1/2 years later and we are none the wiser all we were told is "its just one of those things that happen" and " that it doesn't happen to that many people i'm sorry though you are just one of those unfortunate people" Right yeah ok like that answers a hell of  a lot,

People tell me that i should just get over it and be thankful for the 2 little ones i have now, and i am grateful for them i really am, though i should have 3 children home with me not 2,

Why do i keep forgetting him for? i forget what his skin felt like what it was like to hold him what it was like to dress him and hold him so close to me, Why did i have to give him back to the nurses to take away Why couldnt i bring myself to hold him more for and look at him more,

Why did i put off going to the hospital for? maybe this could of all been prevented, Why didnt i go for, Why didnt i make the nurses listen to me when i called them, why did i take their advice and not go in then and there, Why did my body have to reject him for?

I want answers but i guess i am never going to get them....
all i can do is sit here and wonder why...............

Thinking about things

Well i have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and i can honestly say after everything i have been through in the past 2 1/2 years to come out still in one piece and sane that i can do anything and accomplish anything,

after loosing a child and almost loosing my life after being married for only 23 weeks, to have a micro prem that we nearly lost several times and who spent 88 days in hospital, then to almost loose another child due to early labor, though spending 10 weeks straight in hospital with hardley ANY visits from any friends or family let alone my son, then to go though labor ALL on my own WITH OUT drugs and still come out on top with a LOVING husband, 2 gorgeous boys, and 1 little angel watching over us to make sure no harm comes to us i must be one of the most luckiest people on the planet,

As they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, though for all my CLOSE friends out there and the ones who have been there when i really needed it a big thank you to you all, 

Amusing

I find it quite amusing and ironic that people tell me how i should be raising my kids, and what i am doing wrong and how my kids should be acting and what they should be doing,
Like yeah Jason is behind other kids his age though you no what  HE WAS PREM, Jason is classed as a micro prem as he was 15 weeks premature, he is doing a great job with what he is doing, considering he shouldn't even be here though yeah im not doing a good enough job, People only seem to notice the things that Jason isnt doing they never seem to notice the things that he IS doing, we do our best, we really do, he is doing get and coming along nicely like yeah he isnt walking yet though wont be long until he is, He is still having alot of bottles during the day though i know 2 year olds and 3 year olds that still have a lot of bottles during the day, Yeah he isnt eating proper  food yeah (really chunky food), yeah that ones is my fault as when he was young he would choke on his food so i didnt want push him with it so he stayed on puree foods, after loosing a child, then your next child shouldnt be with you as they should not of made it you tend to be quite mothering and wrap them up in cotton wool though yeah that ones my fault, though now he is getting more teeth he is eating a lot better,
People really need to practice what they preach they really do... like yeah Jason is a bit of a handful, though how about instead of criticizing my parenting how about they look at their own, im not the only one with unruly kids god no one is perfect,
We have learnt with what we have dont wrong with Jason so we are not making the same mistakes with Deacan, though you show me a perfict mother or father and i will show you a lier, no child is born with a hand book so suck it up and get off my back, we do the best we can,
Until anyone else has a micro prem and can bring them up to speed with other kids their age at the same time then yeah you can tell me what to do, though for all you that dont get the hell off my back