Reads

Ok so this goes to everyone who gets the email alerts, i need a reply from all please

as bad as this sounds i am sorry, though who reads this because they acutely care or just want to find out the goss???

As i am going to go through the ones who get the email notification and start removing people i think

Let down...

I feel so let down at the moment i really do i spet ALL day yesterday cleaning the house from top to toe as we have a house inspection tomorrow.. and well not much got done on the weekend when daniel was home to give me a hand...
Though yeah the whole house was clean and i was proud of what i had done in such the small amount of time that i had to do it in **both kids were at daycare for the day**
The lounge room was spotless nothing out of place any where all washing folded and put away etc... though jason was home for 5 minutes and his toys were everywhere, and yeah i know before any one says anything he is a child he is going to do it i know, that didnt bother me as its not that hard to pick toys up...
Daniel gets home from work, here i am so so so proud of what i had done, he has a look around and says "nice work, now  keep it this way" my heart sunk....

then this morning i know its not jasons fault one bit though he started to cough so i put him over my knee and pat his back as it was a choking type cough though he power threw all over the carpet... now the house wreaks of spew and i have the huge white mark on the carpet and have until first up tomorrow morning to get it all out and the smell to go.. i know its not jason fault one bit as he is jsut a toddler how is he to knwo any better, its just disappointing and upsetting, as all that hard work yesterday and for nothing, 

I really just feel like the maid around here, i really do, as there is still a lot of washing to do and other  stuff that needs to be done, and yet i have a feeling none of its going to get done....

Feed back

hey guys so to be pushy again, i was just wondering if I could please get some feed back about this blog?
Also stuff that you would like displayed here, and displayed less of please
As i am also trying to make this blog to help other men and women out as well

Removed,

if you want to be removed of the email list that gets notified when i make a new post let me know and i will take your name off

Over it

AHHHH where to start...
What gives people the right to tell you how to raise your children?? what makes them think that their child raising skills are the bee's knees...
Like yeah i don't care if people want to give advice though once they start TELLING me what i should and shouldn't be doing with MY children that's when i draw the line...
Once they win mother of the year award i will let them TELL me what to do though until that happens i really couldn't give to hoots,

Maybe they don't mean to do it, though once i could understand and not worry about it, twice yeah maybe they didn't know though all the bloody time??? get your head out of the clouds!!!!
I'm so sorry its just so god damm frustrating, its like i am just always hitting my head up against a brick wall.... as i tell them not to tell me what to do though YET they still do,
i need a poster that says "insert brick wall here"

Work

So ill be looking a returning back to work soon, I need to update my resume though how can i make 16 months of home duties look good lol
as i haven't worked for the last 16 months because of having Jason and Deacan,
Im kinda scared about going back to work as i haven't worked in so long though also looking forward to it as well

Jason

So we had an appointment at the genetic clinic today at the Royal Brisbane , they guy was very nice, and didnt mind me asking so many questions lol, and for once a doctor that actually listens i know right shock horror so they think that Jason might have Noonan Syndrome they are not 100% sure though they took some photos of Jasons characteristics that he has of it and then some photos of Daniel and I and he is going to put it through as a case with the other genetic councilors and see what they think so if we dont get a call back it means he doesnt have if we get a call back on Friday or not long after it means he does have

Though on a good note jason is now 10kgs, 73cm tall and has a head circumference of 47cm

People

What is it with people these days?
Why does no body every just call you to say hello or to see how you are for? Why is it you only ever hear from people now when they want something, or to find out information?
Do people just not care about others? or take an interest in other people any more?
Im not going to do it any more screw it, I am sick of being the one who calls just for a chat, or because i haven't heard from someone for a while so just checking in to see if they are OK and don't need help with anything,
Like yeah fair enough i understand peoples lives are busy though how hard is it to pick up the phone and give a quick call? or send a quick email? or maybe a txt? like yeah it might be selfish of me saying this though yeah yeah, im just amazed with just how little anyone keeps in contact with anyone anymore,

One of those people

have you ever had "One of those people" as a friend?
If your not sure what i mean, i mean people who always have to do one better than you, or have been what you have been through though worse.. i seem to knwo a few of them, they always seem to have had something or done something just that one better,
Like bloody hell i didn't know everything was a competition..
I cant seem to have a down day with out them having one worse
I cant seem to ask them for a ear with out them telling me how they are going through the same though way much worse than I,

Question for you all:

 Have you had someone like this in your life, and how did you rid your life of them,

Facebook Groups

So as well all know i join a lot of groups on facebook that have something to do with loosing children or angels babies and so forth, though this group that i have joined is great, As bad as it sounds there are a lot of mums and dads here that i can talk to that have been through what i have, if you know of anyone who has lost a child can you please let them know of this group R.I.P Baby angels gone to soon as i really think they might be able to benefit from it, its a new group though we are all aiming to get people on there, so we can all use it as a support page

Comments

Just letting you all know now if you would like to comment, you can do so, you dont have to have an account for it, you can comment as an anonymous user, or you inbox me to my facebook account htough put in the subject line the title of the post you are replying to or if you are one of the few that get emailed posts you can just reply to that and it will send it straight to my email,

May i please as that no one post anything on my facebook Page please

being Selfish?

I often wonder if i am being selfish or pig headed or unreasonable, 
I think sometimes that people dont understand me or how i feel, or what i want out of life, and this is where it comes in i think i am being selfish

I want to know that my life has some purpose to it, and that i am ment to be here for a reason, like to get me worng i am happy with my life though i guess i want more with it, I would love for it to have more meaning that what it does i guess,
I know i have meaning and purpose to my 3 little gorges boys, and to my husband that i think loves me, though not 100% sure on that one as i dont get told it that often,

And i guess i am also being selfish as i hate being told how many kids i can have, I would love to have a lot more children, I am VERY happy with my 3 boys, though i would like to have more, and Daniel has said NO out right to any more children, is it selfish to want more than what we know we can have?
I know there is a good chance that every pregnancy can either take my life or the babies lives, and i know that it is being selfish as i know this can happen yet i want more,
I guess for me being told NO to children is like putting a beer infront of an alcoholic and telling/demanding they can not drink it,  i guess it just hurts more than anything
I know i would really love a happy ending as well, maybe i already have mine though i am to blind or pig headed to see it, i want more out of life than what i have, i want to do more with my life, i want my life to have meaning.. I have always been told that everyone is here for a reason if that is true than what is my reason? What was Bryce's reason? what is Jason's reason? What is Deacan's Reason? or Daniels reason? do we all have one?
I guess i just have been doing way way way to much thinking, though yeah just being honest with everything,
As i said this could be classed as being selfish or pig headed or what not, though yeah

Got the go ahead

Ok so i got the go ahead from daniel he is fine with me donating my eggs,
I really wanted o check with him first, just because i thought it was the right thing to do..

So now i need to go to the doctors and find out whats involved and get all the health checks i guess, I just want to be able to bring the joy that i get from my boys to other families that cant have that chance


I wonder if they let you know when your eggs have been used? and how many? and yeah if the new mum and dad to be get in contact with you or what not.. wow i cant believe i am really going to do this i really cant wait.

Eggs

i have been thinking about this hugely and think if i can not have any more kids, and knowing that my eggs are SUPER fertile then maybe i should donate them so some other lucky couple/family can have start their own.. though i tried to Google what is involved and i cant seem to find out what you need to do and what happens

So angry!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! it makes me so bloody angry.... words cant even describe how angry it makes me
How can people lie about that? how can they be so sick in the mind about it

I cant stand people who LIE about loosing a child/baby, how bloody sick are you? are you in need of sympathy that bad you have to LIE about something so heart breaking like this...

How about you stop being so god damm selfish and have a thought about people who have been through this, have a thought about how they feel, about the emptiness they have in the heart and lives
Hope about you just get over yourself... lying about something so tragic you really need to get your head checked, people like you make me bloody sick......

You need to be strung up and hung then pelted with stones....

Im so sorry guys im not normally like this though i CAN NOT STAND people who lie about this just to get people to feel sorry for them, grrrr talk about attention seeking, god forbid it does ever happen to you now as NO ONE will EVER believe you

Bryce

My Sweet sweet angel

Jason Moving

I couldnt help but take this video, Jason was watching his FAVORITE movie Mulan, he loves it that much we had to go out and buy a second copy cos the first copy is now scratched lol, he is moving around furniture so much more now, so i am pretty sur eit wont be long until he is walking

Followers

Morning guys, Well it is for me hehehe its only 9.07am i should be doing some house work instead of sitting on this computer,

I was just wondering if you guys wouldn't mind just so i have some rough idea on who does read this as i am aiming to start up a group for support for other parents may i please get you to follow this, im pretty sure you don't have to have an account to do so, if just so i have a rough idea that's all,

Sorry i dont mean to sound pushy or anything

Regards Sarahxx

Playing on my mind

so i have had this playing on my mind for a VERY long time and didnt know whether to say something or not though i know if i dont i am just going to keep stewing on it

A few people have told me its time to move on and to let Bryce go and rest in peace, and that i should stop going on like i do some of them have NEVER lost a child so have NO idea what I am going through or how I feel, some of them have lost a child though not at birth they have go to take their child home, I am not going to mention names as i dont think its fair

Though for the ones WHO DID GET to take their child home, YOU was able to hold your child when ever you wished,
YOU WAS able to feel that heart beating against your chest,
YOU WAS able to feel your child breath and peer into their loving eyes,
WHEN you HELD your child he/she was worm and moving

MY son's heart wasnt beating, i didnt have a chance to feel it against my chest
MY son wasnt breathing so i never got to feel his breath upon my skin,
MY son's eyes were not open when he was born so i never got a chance to look at them
WHEN i got my FIRST hold of my son he wasn't warm, he was cold and lifeless, and heavy,
I never got a chance to take him home and tuck him in, i NEVER got the chance to leave the hospital with him,
Instead i recived a purple box, with a few photos and the doctors telling me "your still young you have plenty of time for more children"

So before you want to tell me to MOVE on and GET OVER it, how about you think of all that and JUST how LUCKY you really are,


Im really sorry if that is harsh or careless though i have had enough of people telling me to get over it, i will move on from Bryce when i am ready to,  and NOT when anyone tells me to

Facebook Group

Hello everybody, Just letting you all know that i have Joined a facebook group called R.I.P Baby angels gone to soon its a new group that has started by another fellow mum who had to say an unwanted good bye to their child, if you have a facebook account feel free to have a look and join, it is a well thought of group and all members have been through what we all have,

Added Things

OK so i have added some sites and information to the blog, also i have changed things around a bit to, if there is any information that you would like added or anything that you would like to see please let me know and i will add it

Doctor

I am going to go back to the doctor i think and ask to be put back on the pill, Im not going to get the depo injection again, i have been bleeding since i got the injection, also been really emotional and hormonal, i have also cried everyday since getting it... i think that it might be half of the reason for my depression coming back

Lost

So i think i am having another bad day AGAIN, im feeling lost, empty and lonely,
I am finding myself wanting things i can not have, and the more i tell myself that i cant have it the more that i want it. i know that sounds stupid and all, though yeah i dont know i guess the more we know we cant have something the more we want it

Thinking

I was thinking about starting a cause on Facebook regarding mums and dads who have lost little one, to bring out the awareness that child birth isn't as straight forward as we all believe, and how not every person is so lucky to have their little ones with them,

I know that i am bless with my 2 beautiful boys that i have been given after the loss of Bryce, though there are some mums and dads out there, though don't have any other children, who haven't been blessed like some of us,


And i know quite a few people that have been blessed with not loosing a child,

If i can get enough people behind me with this i will start the cause, can you please let me know if you are interested or not

Finding things that help

So along my travels in trying to find answers and trying to speak to other poor mums that have lost little ones, i was put in touch with this page Stirrup queens there are a huge list of pregnancy loss and baby loss mums and other factors as well,
It really breaks my heart to know that there are so many mums out there that have gone through this,
To know the pain that i go through each day all these mums and dads go through it to, its not fair


People say that it is "gods work" why does he get to choose who comes and goes

OMG

oh my god i am so hurt right about now, more than words can explain,
I had a photo of Bryce up as my profile photo on facebook photo and my father told me to take it down like to change it so i did, I told him i didnt see why i should though i would do it any how, he then told me becuase it could upset a lot of people mainly him


Do people not understand that it hurts me more being told/asked to take it down? Bryce is my son still it doesnt matter that he is not here with us, it doesnt matter that he is dead he is STILL my son, i am proud of him i am proud of every part of him,

Like yeah i understand that it would hurt some people to see him because of memories and the pain of it all, though why cant i show him for? why do i have to hid him for? people make him out to be like this diry little secret that no one talks about....


no on would have a problem of me putting up a photo of myself or Daniel or Jason or even Deacan so WHY does it bother people that i put one up of Bryce????



I might be over reacting and if i am please and i mean PLEASE tell me, i dont know if it is my hormones, or what though yeah this really upset me

Helping others

I really want to help others out that have been through the loss of a child
Or have had a premature baby,

I want to be there for other people when they need it though i am unsure how to help
I want to be able to have all the information here on my blog for other people to read, if you have lost a child for a reason let me know and i can place a link on my blog for other mums to go and read and possible get help, also the same for a premature baby as well i REALLY want to help others, and let other mums out there know about these problems so if and god forbid any of them do happen they have the early warning signs to look out for so they dont suffer the same losses we have

Facebook Photo

I want to change my photo on Facebook to a photo of Bryce,
though i know if i do i will upset a lot of people as i know there are alot of people not just me that are missing him
Would it be wrong or spiteful if i changed my photo to him?
Would it be wrong if i changed it knowing that it would upset people?

My Beautiful Boy

 

I love this little man so much, I miss him more than anything, not a day goes by that i dont think of him or want him beside me,

Love you little man xx

Wanted/Loved

Wouldnt it be nice to be wanted/loved like Edward and Jacob want Bella,
I would love to fee that love that they feel for her or that passion,
Most day i doubt that Daniel does love me, Maybe he does Maybe he doesnt, He doesnt say it any more, i dont feel it from him any more,
maybe he is just with me because of the boys and doesnt want to be away from the boys so he stays with me,
Maybe i have just watched WAY to much Twilight though i WANT to have that feeling that Bella does, i want someone to want me like that, i want to mean the world to someone, and be loved like that,
I want to have that heart stopping feeling...
Maybe i am thinking to much into it
Maybe i am just living in a dream world....

Memorial Page

Hello all here is a link to Bryce's Memorial page

http://bryce-atkinson.gonetoosoon.org/memorial/

Understand

I feel like people dont understand me, like they dont know/understand what id going on inside my head, how i think what i feel and what i want...
Maybe im just being over dramatic though i dont know, people always tell me they know how i feel or know what i am going through though i really doubt it
I know that sounds rude and i am very sorry, Though i guess know one really know how i feel but me,
I try to let people in and let them know and try to explain, though i feel like they think i am pulling the sympathy card,
Like yeah i do understand its been 2 years and 3 months, though i have my good days and my bad days,
And at the moment my bad day are out waying the rest, maybe i just have to much time on my hands, and thats why,
Maybe i am just to un motivated, so instead i just sit here and get upset and just think to much,
I really dont know any more,
I hate feeling like this
I hate feeling that Loosing Bryce was all my fault,
I hate the feeling that i get thinking "what if we got to the hospital quicker, could they of stopped it"
I hate the feeling and the fact that i have 2 other beautiful boys here with me now and that are alive, and all i can do is think about Bryce and what could of been....

poem

Would you know who i was?
If you seen my face?

Would you know my gental touch?
If i held you in my grasp

Would you know how much you would be loved
If you wasnt taken to the heavens above

Would you have wanted to go?
If it wasnt your time?

I wonder what you would look like now
Would you look like me?or would you look like your dad?
Would you be talking now?
Or better yet even walking?
You know just how much mum and dad loved you and will always love you
Wouldnt you??

3 Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 12 months and 3 days since we lost bryce, I have my good days and my bad days, atley i have had more bad days then good, Life has been getting a bit easier as we have jsut welcomed Bryces little brother Jason into the world, Jason also looks just like Bryce so in some ways it makes it harder,

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

I honestly used to hate seeing pregnant ladies around, as i used to think its not fair, why them and not me, i think the ladies must of knew buy the look on my face and how i would almost cry, they would look at me and smile to as if to say "im sorry", it took a good while for me to get over the hurt and pain of seeing pregnant ladies, though now i am fine with it, as i know a little life is so precious (sp)

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

i used to get therapy though i found it made me worse, i usually listen to music to cope with it all, as Bryce used to love my singing it used to put him to sleep, so if i feel down i jsut put on some tunes and sing, sometimes i will jsut have a big cry and let it out sometimes that works, or i jsut talk to other Angel mums and share what i am going through with them,
or if I get to bad i will go down and see Bryce and ask for the strength to get through all of it,

Other Blogs?

Hey ladies/guys Just wondering do any of you know anyone else that has a blog that i can read, that is going through the same? the loss of a child? loss of a loved one? Grieving? Depression? Im sorry i know that sounds rude though it would be nice to read how other people handle it, and how they cope

Broken

I feel Broken at the moment and like a part of me is missing,
Every now and again i feel this warmth come over me, it says for a while then goes, when it goes i feel empty and like i have a huge whole in me..
Its really hard to explain...

When i get this warm feeling though i feel safe and like everything is going to be ok...
sorry just my random babbling for the night

My posts,

Oh wow, i just went through all my posts that i have made and put labels to them all and i noticed that i have done more posts about Bryce then anything else, Im so sorry guys, you must all be so sick of hearing about him... I really dont mean to make this Blog all depressing and sad though when i write i just write whats on my mind and in my heart at the time... in really sorry, i can understand that if you dont want to get the email updates as you dont want to read it anymore if that is the case let me know and i will remove your email from the list

seen on facebook

Seen this on facebook its really sweet though brought a tear to my eye, i really dont know whats wrong i dont no if its my hormones or what though yeah it made me cry

I loved you the minute i found out you existed, then I saw your ultrasound scan and fell in love with you more. You were only a few centremeters long but I knew I would die for you, and to this day I still would and I would do anything I could to protect you. This is the miracle of life! Put this on your status if you have children you love more than life itself


This suits Bryce so much... Even though he was not a planned pregnancy as soon as i seen him i loved him right from the little jelly bean look that he was from the first kick and movement... right up until he was born...

and still to this day i love him more than life itself

good enough

so i am really starting to doubt myself as a friend any more, i never see any one, hardly have anything to do with any like yeah i understand that everyone is busy and what not, though no one ever has time to catch up or go for a cupper, though they do with everyone else, bit of a kick it the guts if you ask me.
Its like people are avoiding me like the black plague,
If anyone ever wants to catch up im usually there, to be there for them and everything,
I guess you can give and give and give though not get in return,
Im not sure any more, maybe i should just keep to myself and my little family that i have, that way i cant get hurt or let down i guess

Bad day

So today was one of my bad days a friend of mine copped it **sorry sweetie didnt mean to lay it all on you**
Though i am feeling so worthless right about know i really have no idea why though i keep blaming myself for Bryce, i know that i shouldn't though i just cant help it,
I quite often get told that it was my body that couldnt hold him in or i shouldn't of even had kids in the first place and just stuff like that, Im not going to say who says that though i can put my finger on it that a few of you will know,

Do people not understand that i walk around every day with that guilt, that my body couldnt hold our son in that my body basicly rejected him?? people can be very heartless, its really easy for someone to judge that has never been through it, I quite often get he was my grandson rarara though you know what? HE WAS MY FIRST SON!!! MY FIRST CHILD!!!!!

I see the hurt enough know in daniels eye every day, i often wonder if he hates me i know he wouldnt tell me if he did though maybe deep down he does....

Ive been really trying to think and remember what happend the day that Bryce was born though i really dont remember to much of it, I know that if it wasnt for Danielle i wouldnt be here know and i am VERY grateful to her for that,

I remember getting there and being told you are 9 cm dilated, sorry sweety there is nothing we can do you are going to have your baby, i dont really remember to much to be honest i know i had a lot of people coming in and seeing me, i know it wasnt long until daniel was there,
I remember the pain i could see in danielles face, not wanting this to happen though know it was going to,
Then when it came to about time to have Bryce i remember i had lost a lot of blood they were putting to bad of blood through me at once and really squeezing them through, i remember going in and out of it saying that i was really tired, then hearing the doctors and that yelling my name, saying to stay with them and breath, then next thing i know i copped a bit thud on the chest and i opend my eyes and looked at daniel and he was bawling his eyes out... then next thing i know Bryce was born,
I hate myself so much the nurses brought him over to me all wrapped in a nice blanket with a beanie and clothes he really looked like a new born baby.. and i just push him away i didnt want to look at him i didnt want to hold him i didint even want to know him... it took me about 2 hours before i was able to hold him or even look at him... i wonder if he is looking down on me and hating me for that I miss his so much.. i would do anything to have him here with me i really would,....

Poem

Do not stand at my grave & weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the snow on the mountain's rim
I am the laughter in children's eyes
I am the sand at the water's edge
I am the sunlight on ripen grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush of
quite birds in circled flight
I am the star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die

by unknown

tired

im so tired this morning, had an ok night with Deacan last night and i was in bed by 7pm.. i was up for almost 24 hours, he only woke twice last night though i am so tired still now, Jason is in daycare today, though deacan isnt, its 5.50am and coffee isnt even doing its job i look like death warmed up... how am i ment to return to work when i am going to be as tired as this, how am i going to be able to keep my mind on the job when all i want to do is sleep,
And yet how am i ment to go for job interviews when i am looking so tired

Angry

grr i get so angry at times....
you really think that Daniel would understand of be a little bit more compassionate about things though i guess im wrong,
Lately i have been having lot of bad nights with Deacan and i have no idea why he is just waking up every hour to 2 hours for a feed, then wont settle after as if its like he is over full and has a sore belly,
any how, last night was just really bad, he has been up since 11pm, and just wouldn't stop crying/screaming one moment he wanted his bottle the next he didnt, so i would burp him (as we have had a lot of problems with colic) then put him back in his bed he would be fine for about 5 mins **just enough time to get back into bed and comfortable** then he would wake/ start screaming again, i got so cranky at him and yelled at him i really didnt mean to though at this point it was 2am this had been going on for about 3 hours straight, and then daniel has a go at me telling me to be quite and ra ra ra ra as he needs to go to work... like bloody hell,
Ill be returning back to work soon, and i cant see daniel getting up in the middle of the night to him if i have to work, as i will be returning and working on a Friday, Saturday,Sunday and Monday then also Wednesday when i can put Deacan into daycare for that day... though do you really think of a weekend daniel will get up to deacan? and put up with his temper tannties??? just so i can sleep so i can go to work
NO he wouldnt he doesnt wake up to him at all...
I really wish he would stop pulling the whole "work card " out on me... im sure if i had a better paying job then him he wouldnt stay home and look after the kids.... its not as easy as it looks,.....

Why is this so?

i have been really trying to find answers lately though i just can not seem to come up with any,
Why am i finding myself wanting to be pregnant again for? i am so happy with the 2 special boys that i have at home here with me and the wonderful angle that i have watching over me, though why am i really wanting this for?
Is it because i know mentally and physically i can not have any more?
Is it because that i know financially we can not afford any more?
Is it because about 90% of my friends are pregnant?
i really want to know what has com over me i really do,
I know i cant fall pregnant because i have had the injection and have been bleeding ever since, and plus after looking after Deacan the last thing i want to do of a night is have sex.... poor Daniel... hasnt had anything for like a month poor guy....
though yeah i just want to be pregnant again and i have no idea why,
Maybe if we go again i might be able to go full term as the stress will not be as bad and ill have more help this time, maybe we will have a girl? i dont know i really dont,
I keep having pregnancy dreams as well where i keep getting + tests or i have a huge belly or im going for an ultrasound and find out...... i just really cant shake it, i feel like i am going mental......
im going to continue to get the injection, im going to go in just before the 12 weeks is up and get the new one just so there is no chance of it happening,

Please if anyone wants to comment to this and doesnt want to comment here, can you please just send it to my facebook inbox and NOT put it on my wall