Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bad day

So today was one of my bad days a friend of mine copped it **sorry sweetie didnt mean to lay it all on you**
Though i am feeling so worthless right about know i really have no idea why though i keep blaming myself for Bryce, i know that i shouldn't though i just cant help it,
I quite often get told that it was my body that couldnt hold him in or i shouldn't of even had kids in the first place and just stuff like that, Im not going to say who says that though i can put my finger on it that a few of you will know,

Do people not understand that i walk around every day with that guilt, that my body couldnt hold our son in that my body basicly rejected him?? people can be very heartless, its really easy for someone to judge that has never been through it, I quite often get he was my grandson rarara though you know what? HE WAS MY FIRST SON!!! MY FIRST CHILD!!!!!

I see the hurt enough know in daniels eye every day, i often wonder if he hates me i know he wouldnt tell me if he did though maybe deep down he does....

Ive been really trying to think and remember what happend the day that Bryce was born though i really dont remember to much of it, I know that if it wasnt for Danielle i wouldnt be here know and i am VERY grateful to her for that,

I remember getting there and being told you are 9 cm dilated, sorry sweety there is nothing we can do you are going to have your baby, i dont really remember to much to be honest i know i had a lot of people coming in and seeing me, i know it wasnt long until daniel was there,
I remember the pain i could see in danielles face, not wanting this to happen though know it was going to,
Then when it came to about time to have Bryce i remember i had lost a lot of blood they were putting to bad of blood through me at once and really squeezing them through, i remember going in and out of it saying that i was really tired, then hearing the doctors and that yelling my name, saying to stay with them and breath, then next thing i know i copped a bit thud on the chest and i opend my eyes and looked at daniel and he was bawling his eyes out... then next thing i know Bryce was born,
I hate myself so much the nurses brought him over to me all wrapped in a nice blanket with a beanie and clothes he really looked like a new born baby.. and i just push him away i didnt want to look at him i didnt want to hold him i didint even want to know him... it took me about 2 hours before i was able to hold him or even look at him... i wonder if he is looking down on me and hating me for that I miss his so much.. i would do anything to have him here with me i really would,....

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