Christmas Wish

I find that around the christmas time, that people turn very selfish and its all about getting gifts and who spent more on who and all that bull,

I have one christmas wish one gift that i want, one gift i know i will never get

My one wish/gift that i would love to have is to have my son back

though you wont see me throwing a tatrum because i know that wont be what i will get
though i will make sure that a candle shines brightly for him on the day, i might not have him in may arms like i want though he will be in my heart, i will have his photo shown off with pride  he is still part of the family dead or alive,
Bryce is our angle on our tree, we dont need know star we dont need no fake plastic angel as god is hold our angel for us and keeping him safe, im sure on christmas instead of holding him i will feel his wings wrapped around me instead


My Christmas Wish,......

Bitter Sweet

So tomorrow is a very bitter sweet day, a day that i should be happy though i can see that most of it i will be in tears, Tomorrow is Daniel and I's 3rd year wedding anniversary that is the sweet part, though the bitter part is that it was the night that our sweet little angel Bryce was conceived so there will be happy thoughts and sad thoughts,

Daniel and I have been through so much in the past 3 years it feels like we have already lived a life time

I really know that it should be a happy day though even thinking about it no it really upsets me to the point there are tears, 

Thinking about things

Well i have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and i can honestly say after everything i have been through in the past 2 1/2 years to come out still in one piece and sane that i can do anything and accomplish anything,

after loosing a child and almost loosing my life after being married for only 23 weeks, to have a micro prem that we nearly lost several times and who spent 88 days in hospital, then to almost loose another child due to early labor, though spending 10 weeks straight in hospital with hardley ANY visits from any friends or family let alone my son, then to go though labor ALL on my own WITH OUT drugs and still come out on top with a LOVING husband, 2 gorgeous boys, and 1 little angel watching over us to make sure no harm comes to us i must be one of the most luckiest people on the planet,

As they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, though for all my CLOSE friends out there and the ones who have been there when i really needed it a big thank you to you all, 

Facebook Groups

So as well all know i join a lot of groups on facebook that have something to do with loosing children or angels babies and so forth, though this group that i have joined is great, As bad as it sounds there are a lot of mums and dads here that i can talk to that have been through what i have, if you know of anyone who has lost a child can you please let them know of this group R.I.P Baby angels gone to soon as i really think they might be able to benefit from it, its a new group though we are all aiming to get people on there, so we can all use it as a support page

Facebook Group

Hello everybody, Just letting you all know that i have Joined a facebook group called R.I.P Baby angels gone to soon its a new group that has started by another fellow mum who had to say an unwanted good bye to their child, if you have a facebook account feel free to have a look and join, it is a well thought of group and all members have been through what we all have,

3 Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 12 months and 3 days since we lost bryce, I have my good days and my bad days, atley i have had more bad days then good, Life has been getting a bit easier as we have jsut welcomed Bryces little brother Jason into the world, Jason also looks just like Bryce so in some ways it makes it harder,

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

I honestly used to hate seeing pregnant ladies around, as i used to think its not fair, why them and not me, i think the ladies must of knew buy the look on my face and how i would almost cry, they would look at me and smile to as if to say "im sorry", it took a good while for me to get over the hurt and pain of seeing pregnant ladies, though now i am fine with it, as i know a little life is so precious (sp)

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

i used to get therapy though i found it made me worse, i usually listen to music to cope with it all, as Bryce used to love my singing it used to put him to sleep, so if i feel down i jsut put on some tunes and sing, sometimes i will jsut have a big cry and let it out sometimes that works, or i jsut talk to other Angel mums and share what i am going through with them,
or if I get to bad i will go down and see Bryce and ask for the strength to get through all of it,

Other Blogs?

Hey ladies/guys Just wondering do any of you know anyone else that has a blog that i can read, that is going through the same? the loss of a child? loss of a loved one? Grieving? Depression? Im sorry i know that sounds rude though it would be nice to read how other people handle it, and how they cope

Bad day

So today was one of my bad days a friend of mine copped it **sorry sweetie didnt mean to lay it all on you**
Though i am feeling so worthless right about know i really have no idea why though i keep blaming myself for Bryce, i know that i shouldn't though i just cant help it,
I quite often get told that it was my body that couldnt hold him in or i shouldn't of even had kids in the first place and just stuff like that, Im not going to say who says that though i can put my finger on it that a few of you will know,

Do people not understand that i walk around every day with that guilt, that my body couldnt hold our son in that my body basicly rejected him?? people can be very heartless, its really easy for someone to judge that has never been through it, I quite often get he was my grandson rarara though you know what? HE WAS MY FIRST SON!!! MY FIRST CHILD!!!!!

I see the hurt enough know in daniels eye every day, i often wonder if he hates me i know he wouldnt tell me if he did though maybe deep down he does....

Ive been really trying to think and remember what happend the day that Bryce was born though i really dont remember to much of it, I know that if it wasnt for Danielle i wouldnt be here know and i am VERY grateful to her for that,

I remember getting there and being told you are 9 cm dilated, sorry sweety there is nothing we can do you are going to have your baby, i dont really remember to much to be honest i know i had a lot of people coming in and seeing me, i know it wasnt long until daniel was there,
I remember the pain i could see in danielles face, not wanting this to happen though know it was going to,
Then when it came to about time to have Bryce i remember i had lost a lot of blood they were putting to bad of blood through me at once and really squeezing them through, i remember going in and out of it saying that i was really tired, then hearing the doctors and that yelling my name, saying to stay with them and breath, then next thing i know i copped a bit thud on the chest and i opend my eyes and looked at daniel and he was bawling his eyes out... then next thing i know Bryce was born,
I hate myself so much the nurses brought him over to me all wrapped in a nice blanket with a beanie and clothes he really looked like a new born baby.. and i just push him away i didnt want to look at him i didnt want to hold him i didint even want to know him... it took me about 2 hours before i was able to hold him or even look at him... i wonder if he is looking down on me and hating me for that I miss his so much.. i would do anything to have him here with me i really would,....

break down

i know you guys will probably think i am being petty or what not
though i really feel like i am about to have a break down,
i just cant handle all the crap thats going on right about now,
Everything is getting to me,
I am having massive mood swings, im waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, im tired all the time,
The stress from everything is really getting to me aswell,
since daniel and i have been back together we have not been able to save anything at all,
I get more income than what daniel does, though still i am expected to buy everything still, like he pays the rent and thats basically it, feels like my money just gets wasted...
Im still having trouble with letting Bryce go i just cant let him go, i really want to be able to let him reast in peace though i cant let him go, i am startign to play the blame game again, im starting to blame myself for it happening, as i think if i got to the hospital sooner they would of been able to save him, and i knwo that it was my body that rejected him, and that hurts even more,
Im starting to forget him and i really dont want to, im forgetting what it was like to hold him, im forgetting what his smell was like,
theses are the things i will never be able to get back again...
the flash backs just keep coming... i can still remember that day like it was yesterday.... i often wonder what he would look like now, and the things he would be doing,