Let down...

I feel so let down at the moment i really do i spet ALL day yesterday cleaning the house from top to toe as we have a house inspection tomorrow.. and well not much got done on the weekend when daniel was home to give me a hand...
Though yeah the whole house was clean and i was proud of what i had done in such the small amount of time that i had to do it in **both kids were at daycare for the day**
The lounge room was spotless nothing out of place any where all washing folded and put away etc... though jason was home for 5 minutes and his toys were everywhere, and yeah i know before any one says anything he is a child he is going to do it i know, that didnt bother me as its not that hard to pick toys up...
Daniel gets home from work, here i am so so so proud of what i had done, he has a look around and says "nice work, now  keep it this way" my heart sunk....

then this morning i know its not jasons fault one bit though he started to cough so i put him over my knee and pat his back as it was a choking type cough though he power threw all over the carpet... now the house wreaks of spew and i have the huge white mark on the carpet and have until first up tomorrow morning to get it all out and the smell to go.. i know its not jason fault one bit as he is jsut a toddler how is he to knwo any better, its just disappointing and upsetting, as all that hard work yesterday and for nothing, 

I really just feel like the maid around here, i really do, as there is still a lot of washing to do and other  stuff that needs to be done, and yet i have a feeling none of its going to get done....

Understand

I feel like people dont understand me, like they dont know/understand what id going on inside my head, how i think what i feel and what i want...
Maybe im just being over dramatic though i dont know, people always tell me they know how i feel or know what i am going through though i really doubt it
I know that sounds rude and i am very sorry, Though i guess know one really know how i feel but me,
I try to let people in and let them know and try to explain, though i feel like they think i am pulling the sympathy card,
Like yeah i do understand its been 2 years and 3 months, though i have my good days and my bad days,
And at the moment my bad day are out waying the rest, maybe i just have to much time on my hands, and thats why,
Maybe i am just to un motivated, so instead i just sit here and get upset and just think to much,
I really dont know any more,
I hate feeling like this
I hate feeling that Loosing Bryce was all my fault,
I hate the feeling that i get thinking "what if we got to the hospital quicker, could they of stopped it"
I hate the feeling and the fact that i have 2 other beautiful boys here with me now and that are alive, and all i can do is think about Bryce and what could of been....

Why?

Why do i keep doing this to myself for?
I keep Google stillbirth and Incompetent cervix to see if there is anything that i could of done different
i know it upsets me though YET still i sit here and looking at different articles and crying...
Why cant i just come to terms with it for?
Why do i keep putting myself through this?
I keep blaming myself, i feel like such a dickhead......
i am so grateful for the 2 little boys i have now, i would do anything for them to, i would walk to hell and back if they needed me to,
though yet i still sit here and go over Bryce's death over and over again...
Why cant i move on from this for?? am i still holding guilt?
i know i blame myself still even through i know its not my fault, though part of me blames myself,