Upsetting

I got this reply off  a board in fertility Friend i was readying replies and come across this one that made me really upset

I don't know any stories personally (my LO's were preemies but not micro preemies), but my DH is a bioethicist at the #2 hospital in the country, and he occasionally makes NICU rounds to do consults with families, etc at another local hospital. He's seen 23 weekers make it just fine. Just the other day, he personally saw a couple of 23 weekers, they were tiny but doing fairly well. Viability is generally 24 weeks, but it seems many more are making it earlier on nowadays.

I know this sounds wrong and all though if there are more and more 23 weekers being born and surviving then WHY didnt my doctor help Bryce so he would of been able to be here now??? I am so angry and hurt and upset
The doctors didnt even give my little boy a chance though i am no hearing stories of more and more 23 weekers  being born and surviving it just doesnt seem fair at alll

Very Bad day

Things have just gone from bad to worse today, I really should not of gotten out of bed

To start of with i was pregnant it really was not planned as much as anyone says it really wasnt, we were using condoms or pulling out, and before anyone says anything about pulling out as a birth control method we really though it was, though guessing not though i had my beta lvl done on Wednesday I was 13 DPO and i got the results back today they were only 15, he said that it should of been higher as i was showing up on normally pregnancy test, I also told him that i was bleeding and that it was bright red and passing quite large clotts he said that i was miscarrying and that there was no point doing another Beta,
I really dont know how to feel to be honest i am upset over it though shocked at the same time, and i just feel empty, I was really starting to warm up to the idea of being a mum again, and i think Daniel was starting to warm up to the idea of being a dad again as well,

I think daniel told him mum today that I lost the baby, im pretty sure she would be happy over it, as she called me the other day when i told her that i was pregnant and ripped into me, she wasnt happy about it at all, she told/sternly asked me to have an abortion and i turned around and said NO straight out, then she asked how i would feel if i miscarried, I told her if i was under 12 weeks i would be upset though I would be as sad about it as i was when we lost Bryce, though i said that if i lost the baby after the 12 weeks i would be very sad, she then said Well i hope you Miss.... i cut her off straight away with it and started to yell at her, as i knew she was going to say "well i hope you miscarriage then"  I was so angry i seen red

I was only 4 weeks according to Fertility Friend i had not even been for an ultrasound so i m not even sure though with my Beta level being low like it was i really dont think the pregnancy would of went any longer even if i done everything thing i could to stop it, besides what i had done, i didnt smoke or drink coffee i was also eating right and sleeping right as well i was really going to do everything that i could to make sure i made it to the 40 weeks


though now i really dont know how to feel.... i wouldnt mind trying again once these boys are older and are less needy, though i am pretty sure that Daniel will be getting the snip now,

also on another note besides all that happening today, I dropped my brand new phone and smashed the front of it so now i cant use it.... and its less than a week old..... so now i have to get another one added to my plan or get my old phone unlocked so i can put this sim card into it,

And wait there is more
Both the boys came home with snotty noses today from daycare, so thats just great, going ot have to keep a really good eye on them as they are prown to getting bronchitis and RSV from it, so i can see if jason starts having problems breathing it will be back up to the hospital to get him checked out so if jason has something Deacan more than likely has it to......



its 6.15pm and Daniel still isnt home from work he sent me a txt at about 6ish saying he still had not left work and its about an 1 1/2  trip back so just YAY


anyway thats it for now ill chat more later

Baby Things

Im really debating if I should get rid of all the baby stuff that Deacan grows out of or if i should just keep it all,
like the big stuff that is like the bassinet and so forth, cos i guess having another child isnt 100% out of the question it just is at the moment, how do we know what is going to happen in 2 to 3 years down the track?
Plus i dont wan to part with some of it :( some of it has a bit of history with it, like the baby clothes yeah i can just give them away to other people that are having kids, as i have done already, cos baby clothes are easy enough to get

Facebook Groups

So as well all know i join a lot of groups on facebook that have something to do with loosing children or angels babies and so forth, though this group that i have joined is great, As bad as it sounds there are a lot of mums and dads here that i can talk to that have been through what i have, if you know of anyone who has lost a child can you please let them know of this group R.I.P Baby angels gone to soon as i really think they might be able to benefit from it, its a new group though we are all aiming to get people on there, so we can all use it as a support page

being Selfish?

I often wonder if i am being selfish or pig headed or unreasonable, 
I think sometimes that people dont understand me or how i feel, or what i want out of life, and this is where it comes in i think i am being selfish

I want to know that my life has some purpose to it, and that i am ment to be here for a reason, like to get me worng i am happy with my life though i guess i want more with it, I would love for it to have more meaning that what it does i guess,
I know i have meaning and purpose to my 3 little gorges boys, and to my husband that i think loves me, though not 100% sure on that one as i dont get told it that often,

And i guess i am also being selfish as i hate being told how many kids i can have, I would love to have a lot more children, I am VERY happy with my 3 boys, though i would like to have more, and Daniel has said NO out right to any more children, is it selfish to want more than what we know we can have?
I know there is a good chance that every pregnancy can either take my life or the babies lives, and i know that it is being selfish as i know this can happen yet i want more,
I guess for me being told NO to children is like putting a beer infront of an alcoholic and telling/demanding they can not drink it,  i guess it just hurts more than anything
I know i would really love a happy ending as well, maybe i already have mine though i am to blind or pig headed to see it, i want more out of life than what i have, i want to do more with my life, i want my life to have meaning.. I have always been told that everyone is here for a reason if that is true than what is my reason? What was Bryce's reason? what is Jason's reason? What is Deacan's Reason? or Daniels reason? do we all have one?
I guess i just have been doing way way way to much thinking, though yeah just being honest with everything,
As i said this could be classed as being selfish or pig headed or what not, though yeah

Helping others

I really want to help others out that have been through the loss of a child
Or have had a premature baby,

I want to be there for other people when they need it though i am unsure how to help
I want to be able to have all the information here on my blog for other people to read, if you have lost a child for a reason let me know and i can place a link on my blog for other mums to go and read and possible get help, also the same for a premature baby as well i REALLY want to help others, and let other mums out there know about these problems so if and god forbid any of them do happen they have the early warning signs to look out for so they dont suffer the same losses we have