Need to Vent... Need to Cry

So much is going on right no its unbelievable, We are in one of the biggest disasters that i know of here in Queensland, we are going through a massive flood, People overseas dont really know just how bad it is, though when you tell them that the amount of land that is under water is basically the same land mass of Germany and France put together they then start to get a rough idea, so many lives have been lost and there are still so many more people missing, I really do hope they end up being found alive and ok, though the more time goes by the more chances of that is becoming more grim, people have lost their homes and all their belongings people have lost their source of income and now have to worry about how they are going to feed their families and how they are going to live... so what i am about to vent/write about it really going to sound so very very selfish though i need to get it out, and here in my blog i know i can write what i need to and get out what i need to

I know there is a saying out there something along the lines of "be grateful for what you have as there are people out there worse of than you"

Any yeah i am very and i mean VERY grateful that we still have our home, i still have my family as none of them were lost or missing, we still have food in the cupboards it might not be much food though we still at least have some.... so after saying all of that what i am about to say/write is going to sound down right selfish and disrespectful to all though as i said i need to get it out and vent and get it off my chest and her ei know i can write whats on my mind and in my heart

i really dont know where to begin or how to start it so i am really sorry
though please bare with me as i just write everything down and get it all out

Thing have been really tough for Daniel the boys and I  mostly the one thing that really stresses us out is money
on Tuesday when the flooding began i lost my job, like yeah the pay wasnt to crash hot though at least it was some extra money coming in where we would be able to do a good food shop get bills paid etc , most of our problems started before Christmas as work said for me not to come in for the last week before Christmas and work was shutting down for 2 weeks over the break so that was 3 weeks that i wouldnt get paid for and we cant survive just off Daniels income, so you could guess it was  a very bleek Christmas, i had my family around so that was the main thing,
Daniel and I were only just able to put food on the table for the boys that was only after ebing able to borrow $200 per week for the 3 weeks off Daniels mum Jill and i am grateful for that

My weight if a very big problem now as most of you know i suffer from an eating disorder/s i have done since i was 18, Anorexia and bulimia  I thought i was over it all up until we lost our son Bryce when i was 21, my weight started to drop after that i guess you could say because my weight was the only thing that i was in control of, and at that time i needed to be in control of something as my whole world had come crashing down, though with all the stress that has been going on here my weight has dropped yet again, now to the point i can not put it on doesnt matter how hard i try nothing is seeming to work, the steroid that i am taking are keeping my weight stable though they are not helping me put it on, I guess to because i am not eating enough, I know i am not used to eating  3 meals a day plus snacks in between i try to eat as much as i can though now every time i eat now all i feel like doing is throwing up, i had the choice today to be admitted into hospital to help gut my weight up as i am now down to 42.1kgs, I know i dont eat that much here at home as i really dont know how long the food will last and i wont let Daniel or the boys go with out i would prefer to starve then to make them not eat

We are about to get out power disconnected as we havent paid our bill as it was due around Christmas time, and at that stage i had not been working so money was tight and food for my children was more important, i called them today to organize a payment plan and explained to them that i had just lost my job and that money was really tight, and that over the Christmas period i wasnt working and to be honest putting food on the table for my kids was more important i told them that we could really only afford to pay $20 off per week though he said that we have to pay $75 per fortnight, and asked if that was ok or would i like to pay more, i told him we couldnt even afford that though we are going to have to come up with the money some how, Also on top of that my mobile is about to go as well for the same reasons, Plus with rego coming up as well thing are just getting worse and worse, Im  finding it hard to get a job again, as with the floods etc its alot harder,
so i am scared that we are not going to be able to put food on the table for the kids and we are going to have no power etc,

As i said right at the start that i know there are people worse off than us though i really had to get this out, i am sorry if i sound selfish as mud i really am

2011 bring it on

All I can say is bring on 2011

All i want to do is bring on the new year, with any luck it has to be better than this one, I know there are people worse off out there than me though this year has been one hell of a year and by the looks of it, it isnt going to end well :(

I really dont know what to do any more or just how much more of anything i can take,

The kids are ok they are just being kids, demanding and much more needy at the moment, and they just want more than what i can give,I spend lost of time with Jason and Deacan a lot of one on one time and a lot of group play with them, though it just seems like its not enough for them, they just keep draining me, i know its just a child thing and its part and parcel of having children, its just draining thats all

Work is going good, though i am going to start looking for a full time job instead of the casual job that i have that way if i need to have time off because the children are sick or because I am i know that i will still get paid for it, though work to has its moments as well, i am meant to get 1 sale per hour that i work, though with leading up to Christmas people just didnt want to do it, knowing to well that it would void their warranty,  though i am hoping that the new year people will want to do it so i dont loose my job, i have asked my father in law to pass the word around and to get people to give me a call if they want something done and to ask for me specially and gave him the hours that i work so if they do call and want to book something in i get it and not one of the other girls,and also so it looks good on me because i am keeping up with my KPI's I really dont mind the work that i do it is as hard as you want to make it and as easy as you want to make it,

As for Daniel and I thats a whole different entry that i will make later,

so much has happened in 2010 i just want it to be over with like yeah good stuff has happened like the birth of beautiful Deacan, Jason starting to walk and grow up now, i am very grateful that both the boys are still here as we have had our ups and downs with them and there has been quite a few very close calls for them

though all i can say is bring on 2011 

Steroids

I had my first steroid injection last week to help me put on weight, the doctor and i have tried everything to help me gain weight though nothing has been working, everyone has been telling me to have shakes etc, though they don't seem to realize that Daniel and i don't have the money for them just to see if they work, the doctor put me on the scales and i am down to 41.9kgs i go back in on Wednesday to get my second one also to get weighed in again, though he said that if my weight keeps coming off that he will have no choice but to admit me into hospital until i gain the weight, if these steroid injections are working i will only be on them for 6 months,, i am only on the minimum dose at the moment so if my weight has stayed the same and i haven't gained any it will be getting increased 

Let down

I'm really starting to get sick of people letting me down,
Daniel and I are always there for other people when ever they need it, whether it is money, help, a shoulder or an ear, or just the company, though it seems like when Daniel and I ever need it no one is there, or they say they will help though something ALWAYS pops up so they cant,
I'm honestly over it,, i well and truly am,

Ebay

So i am thinking at the moment while i have a lot of stuff here at home that doesn't get used and what not and how i know how to sniff out a bargain  i am going to start buying things and start to re sell them on ebay though was just wondering  what do you think you can make a lot or some profit off? like incense, candles, oils, stickers etc, cos i know places i can buy bulk and re sell, i was thinking doing like that in spare time and while i am not working any source of income it better than nothing

break down

i know you guys will probably think i am being petty or what not
though i really feel like i am about to have a break down,
i just cant handle all the crap thats going on right about now,
Everything is getting to me,
I am having massive mood swings, im waking up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, im tired all the time,
The stress from everything is really getting to me aswell,
since daniel and i have been back together we have not been able to save anything at all,
I get more income than what daniel does, though still i am expected to buy everything still, like he pays the rent and thats basically it, feels like my money just gets wasted...
Im still having trouble with letting Bryce go i just cant let him go, i really want to be able to let him reast in peace though i cant let him go, i am startign to play the blame game again, im starting to blame myself for it happening, as i think if i got to the hospital sooner they would of been able to save him, and i knwo that it was my body that rejected him, and that hurts even more,
Im starting to forget him and i really dont want to, im forgetting what it was like to hold him, im forgetting what his smell was like,
theses are the things i will never be able to get back again...
the flash backs just keep coming... i can still remember that day like it was yesterday.... i often wonder what he would look like now, and the things he would be doing,