rudeness

I am so sick of the rudeness of some people. thy just push and push and push, and at the moment i have had so much other stuff on my mind, with work and this pregnancy plus with me being the only one who was working, my kids, deacan's surgery though no its not that hard is it........
on another note had the market stall today, it didnt go to bad, we are going o go back next week and this time take a lot more stuff with us, as we forgot most of it, as i was in a rush,


have another scan tomorrow, looking forward to it though also scared at the same time, find out if bub is growing like it should be as last week it didnt grow that much, though on a plus side i am geting bigger and also feeling more sicker to, morning sickness has kicked in big time,

6W1D

So i am 6w1d today, i have an edd of 13/1/12 though the doctors are not real going ot go on that thy re going o wait a week or two then do another scan and use for dates,
two days ago bub had a heat beat of 109, so happy about that,

This sounds stupid though i know i am only 6 weeks though i am showing already

I havent realy blogged in a while been really busy with work, plus i have had the flu or thekids have so i dont really get on much,

havng a look through myblog stats, and some people have gone trigger happy on searching for my blog, i guess i must have something worth reading then LOL
I done a digi test and some normal ones i love te Digi tests

That was the Digi think i was around 6 or 7DPO

then here wasth IC and th FRER

and all my stats

10DPO - beta 46
13DPO - beta 100
16DPO - beta 229
17DPO - beta 443
19DPO - U/S sac measuring 4w5d
21DPO - beta 1880
5w6d - 109


wel any way that is it for the time being will post more later

Need to Vent... Need to Cry

So much is going on right no its unbelievable, We are in one of the biggest disasters that i know of here in Queensland, we are going through a massive flood, People overseas dont really know just how bad it is, though when you tell them that the amount of land that is under water is basically the same land mass of Germany and France put together they then start to get a rough idea, so many lives have been lost and there are still so many more people missing, I really do hope they end up being found alive and ok, though the more time goes by the more chances of that is becoming more grim, people have lost their homes and all their belongings people have lost their source of income and now have to worry about how they are going to feed their families and how they are going to live... so what i am about to vent/write about it really going to sound so very very selfish though i need to get it out, and here in my blog i know i can write what i need to and get out what i need to

I know there is a saying out there something along the lines of "be grateful for what you have as there are people out there worse of than you"

Any yeah i am very and i mean VERY grateful that we still have our home, i still have my family as none of them were lost or missing, we still have food in the cupboards it might not be much food though we still at least have some.... so after saying all of that what i am about to say/write is going to sound down right selfish and disrespectful to all though as i said i need to get it out and vent and get it off my chest and her ei know i can write whats on my mind and in my heart

i really dont know where to begin or how to start it so i am really sorry
though please bare with me as i just write everything down and get it all out

Thing have been really tough for Daniel the boys and I  mostly the one thing that really stresses us out is money
on Tuesday when the flooding began i lost my job, like yeah the pay wasnt to crash hot though at least it was some extra money coming in where we would be able to do a good food shop get bills paid etc , most of our problems started before Christmas as work said for me not to come in for the last week before Christmas and work was shutting down for 2 weeks over the break so that was 3 weeks that i wouldnt get paid for and we cant survive just off Daniels income, so you could guess it was  a very bleek Christmas, i had my family around so that was the main thing,
Daniel and I were only just able to put food on the table for the boys that was only after ebing able to borrow $200 per week for the 3 weeks off Daniels mum Jill and i am grateful for that

My weight if a very big problem now as most of you know i suffer from an eating disorder/s i have done since i was 18, Anorexia and bulimia  I thought i was over it all up until we lost our son Bryce when i was 21, my weight started to drop after that i guess you could say because my weight was the only thing that i was in control of, and at that time i needed to be in control of something as my whole world had come crashing down, though with all the stress that has been going on here my weight has dropped yet again, now to the point i can not put it on doesnt matter how hard i try nothing is seeming to work, the steroid that i am taking are keeping my weight stable though they are not helping me put it on, I guess to because i am not eating enough, I know i am not used to eating  3 meals a day plus snacks in between i try to eat as much as i can though now every time i eat now all i feel like doing is throwing up, i had the choice today to be admitted into hospital to help gut my weight up as i am now down to 42.1kgs, I know i dont eat that much here at home as i really dont know how long the food will last and i wont let Daniel or the boys go with out i would prefer to starve then to make them not eat

We are about to get out power disconnected as we havent paid our bill as it was due around Christmas time, and at that stage i had not been working so money was tight and food for my children was more important, i called them today to organize a payment plan and explained to them that i had just lost my job and that money was really tight, and that over the Christmas period i wasnt working and to be honest putting food on the table for my kids was more important i told them that we could really only afford to pay $20 off per week though he said that we have to pay $75 per fortnight, and asked if that was ok or would i like to pay more, i told him we couldnt even afford that though we are going to have to come up with the money some how, Also on top of that my mobile is about to go as well for the same reasons, Plus with rego coming up as well thing are just getting worse and worse, Im  finding it hard to get a job again, as with the floods etc its alot harder,
so i am scared that we are not going to be able to put food on the table for the kids and we are going to have no power etc,

As i said right at the start that i know there are people worse off than us though i really had to get this out, i am sorry if i sound selfish as mud i really am

2011 bring it on

All I can say is bring on 2011

All i want to do is bring on the new year, with any luck it has to be better than this one, I know there are people worse off out there than me though this year has been one hell of a year and by the looks of it, it isnt going to end well :(

I really dont know what to do any more or just how much more of anything i can take,

The kids are ok they are just being kids, demanding and much more needy at the moment, and they just want more than what i can give,I spend lost of time with Jason and Deacan a lot of one on one time and a lot of group play with them, though it just seems like its not enough for them, they just keep draining me, i know its just a child thing and its part and parcel of having children, its just draining thats all

Work is going good, though i am going to start looking for a full time job instead of the casual job that i have that way if i need to have time off because the children are sick or because I am i know that i will still get paid for it, though work to has its moments as well, i am meant to get 1 sale per hour that i work, though with leading up to Christmas people just didnt want to do it, knowing to well that it would void their warranty,  though i am hoping that the new year people will want to do it so i dont loose my job, i have asked my father in law to pass the word around and to get people to give me a call if they want something done and to ask for me specially and gave him the hours that i work so if they do call and want to book something in i get it and not one of the other girls,and also so it looks good on me because i am keeping up with my KPI's I really dont mind the work that i do it is as hard as you want to make it and as easy as you want to make it,

As for Daniel and I thats a whole different entry that i will make later,

so much has happened in 2010 i just want it to be over with like yeah good stuff has happened like the birth of beautiful Deacan, Jason starting to walk and grow up now, i am very grateful that both the boys are still here as we have had our ups and downs with them and there has been quite a few very close calls for them

though all i can say is bring on 2011 

Asking to much?

Well i guess i am asking to much i think.

Im sick of our house looking like a pig sty, all i am ever seeming to do is clean, i get it half way nice and clean then the kids come home and its not dirty though just becomes untidy,
I guess it would be to much to ask to get Daniels help hey??? like yeah i do understand that he works 5 days a week from about 8am to about 6pm, though i work to i might not do the hours that he does, though i work from 12 to 6pm monday to thursday then from 12 to 5pm on friday, i get up early to the boys some morning its around 4am, i get them ready for daycare, leave at about 6.30 dont get home to around 8ish, then that gives me 2 hours to get the place clean again, bottles toys picked up vacuuming dishes and washing then i get ready for work at 10 then leave at 11am, so come a weekend or before he goes to work it would be nice if i had a bit of a hand
He honestly wonders why i get so tired and why i go to bed early when i can or have a nap during the day on the weekend, though after doing everything and dealing with the kids on the weekend i am truly stuffed, come some days i am just that tired i cant be bothered cooking tea, so it would be nice if tea was cooked for me, Yes i understand that daniel is tired as well, as he stays up most nights to about 10.30-11pm, just incase Deacan wakes back up,though i am still up early of a morning, i dont know i guess i am just asking to much, most nights all he does is sit on the computer and play his games and thats it,i really dont know any more

Q

Am i asking to much?? Does your partner help you out?

Study

Im thinking about doing some sort of study in between work and what not one that i can do online or at home at my own pace, something that will look good on my resume  or help me in getting a better job though i really dont know what to do and also the cost of it all, does anyone have any suggestions?

So much to do/ Over it

There is so much that i need to do today and i REALLY cant see it happening,
I need to go and do shopping so the boys have their food, i need to read/study all the reading material that my new work has given me, as i have a 3 day trial starting as of tomorrow, i need to do the house work, wash Daniels work clothes plus make sure i have work clothes tomorrow, as soon as i go to sit and start reading the stuff for work one of the boys start, so of course i have to put it down and tend to them,
I was ment to start reading it on Friday, though after my doctors appointment and sitting at the doctors for 1 1/2 hours waiting for things to stat happening i wasn't in the mood/ right mind set to read/ learn

Its been 2 days now and Daniel still hasn't asked how the doctors went, and how my results went, he said to my father in law Peter that i haven't said anything to him about it, like i really want to come out and say that i had to have a termination, considering i didn't really want to have one,though i done what was best for my family at the time, as i could see if i kept the baby, i would be raising 3 children under 3 on my own, and i wouldn't be able to do that as i don't have the support that i need for it, I can see that a lot of people are now going to judge me for it, though you know what go a head and do it, I done what was right for my family and for me,
the worse thing about it is i really don't have the support i need now, after going and doing the one thing i am really against, its easy for people to sit there and judge and ridicule, though i now need to live with this for the rest of my life, and to be honest its not going to be easy, it wasn't easy for me to do it in the first place, so go a head throw your worst at me i really couldnt give to shits to be honest 

how much more?

Well so much for things changing hey??? yeah right... they did for a week or so now things are back to the same old normal
like dont get me wrong im not expecting daniel to do everything around the house,  as he goes to work 5 days a week, though possibly help me out on the weekend, or maybe cooking dinner during the week or something, though its like i am expected to do everything keep the house clean, take the boys to and from daycare/appointments, im doing my best looking for work, so i am going to interviews as well, managing the bills doing the food shopping etc, plus on top of that getting up several times during the night/morning to deacan, so most nights after doing all this i dont have the energy to cook tea, plus i also dont no what time daniel is going to be home, as it ranges from 6 to 7.30,
though the thing i dont get is how hard is it to spend some good one on one time with your kids?
he goes to work, spend 8 or so hours in front of a computer then comes home and sits on it all night on it then its the same on the weekend, like yeah i do sit on the computer though i do also spend a lot of one on one time with the kids,
Jason is so clingy towards me now and hardly wants anything to do with Daniel, i dont know if thats cos i spend time with him or not,

Everything is just starting to get to much, i really cant to much more of it, i dont feel like a wife any more i feel like a made or just a convenience

Work

You would really think that it should be easy to find work hey? .... Its not as easy as i thought it would be, there are a lot of jobs out there though a lot that i cant do because at the moment i am unable to work Tuesday, and a lot of jobs out there are of course Monday through to Friday, i have even started to apply for McDonald's  job just to be turned do with "we have found someone more suitable for the position" yeah right you mean you have found someone younger,
I am so sick of being turned down for work, a lot of places have turned me down because i have children, and they think that it would be best if i am at home with them, though in the real world you need to work to be able to help provide  for them i don't have some sugar daddy to pay for the bills Daniel works his ass off every week and just brings in enough to pay for rent and a few other things, i am so sick of him busting it out there working so hard to try and get the overtime just so he can provide for us
Daniel hardly gets to see Jason during the week as he may get to see him for about an hour before he leaves for work or when i take them to daycare then he is in bed when Daniel gets home from work,
So if i return back to work i can help take the pressure off Daniel so he doesn't have to put in the over time (even though he still will) though he doesn't HAVE to he can come home on time and see his family,

Why does having to work be so hard, i am willing to do anything just about i have been applying for so much work just to get called in for an interview to be turned down for it, i give every interview 110% though i guess that's just not go enough any more :( its so disheartening.... it really makes you think how a person/family are able to provide for the loved ones... makes things tough

tomorrow

Well tomorrow is kinda a busy day for me, i find out if i have that job at Cardio Tech, I'm really hoping that i do get it, he basically told me i had it, though to be considerate of others he was going to continue the interviews and let me know Monday, i have another interview on Monday at my old work basically to be a run around person though only up until Christmas, and im not to sure if i should continue to job hunt today or just wait until i find out about the job or not

Job interview

I had a job interview yesterday for a company called "Diana Ferrari" it was a group interview i felt like i done really well, though find out by Friday if i got it or not,
though yesterday afternoon on the way home from picking up the boys at daycare i received a   phone call from another company i applied for and have an interview today, this one is for "Cardio Tech" so looking foward to that one to

Update

Well i havent posted in here for a while so i thought its about time that i update everyone with whats happening in my world,

First off, Jason is now walking YAY its so cute to see him walk, he isnt walking you or I at the moment though he is taking a good couple of steps everywhere he wants to go, he walks now before he crawls, Jason is also taking less bottles now, so i think it might be the time to start upping the juice and only having bottles when its sleep time and as soon as he gets up, Also going to start toilet training soon as he is starting to show signs,

Secondly Deacan is now trying to crawl and he gets cranky when he cant he spends a lot of time on his belly now, and is eating at least 2 tins of solids a day, we are also teething now to, so i am really enjoying be up every morning at either 2 or 3am NOT

Job hunting is going good, I have applied for a lot of jobs and i have an interview tomorrow im looking forward to it though i am not going to get my hopes up, as i did with surpree as she made it sound like i was going to get a position and i never did, so fingers crossed this one works out well,

I have been trying to sort my "friends" out on facebook as i did have over 600 though a lot of them were from game apps, though now i am sorting people in categories of "Family" "Friends" "Close Friends" then game apps I.E farmvill, Cafe World etc, i also have a lot of random adds on there and i am over everyone knowing whats going on, as when i post some stuff i dont want everyone seeing it, so now i just select certain groups that can see it, I sent out a message to everyone to let me know what game apps they play and also what categories they fall under, its strange that just how many people just dont understand.... if people cant take the time to jsut send me a message saying then i dont think i have the time to have them on my list so i have given everyone 2 weeks to reply and if they dont the are getting deleted i dont care who they are,

So thats pretty much everything that has been happening i know a boring life LMFAO,

To much

Things are starting to become a bit to much everything is so stressful at the moment,
so i am still looking for work over all the jobs i have applied for i have only had 1 interview though no call back after that, it makes it hard because i can work everyday but Tuesdays, i am still waiting for a position to become available at the boys daycare to place them in there for then, at the moment it costs me $198 thats for 3 days a week, if they go in for the other 2 days as well it goes up to just under $460, i know thats a lot of money though we cant afford for me to be at home not working, I have sent an Email to the director of the daycare to see if they have any Tuesdays free yet, if they do i might just bight the bullet and put them in, as there are so many jobs out there that i am qualified for though i cant do because they are only Monday to Friday... though Daniel doesn't seem to understand about me putting them in 5 days a week as i don't have a job yet, though whats the point applying for the Monday to Friday jobs if i loose the Tuesday spots,

On top of all that Jason's heart appointment is coming up next week and i am really scared about it, i'm petrified that he will have to have heart surgery i have had a lot of people tell me that its straight forward, or they have known people that have had to have it and all worked out fine, though there is so many complications that can go wrong with it, we are so LUCKY to even have Jason here with us as they only gave us a 40% chance of being able to ring him home, i would break if something happened to him, he has fought though so much and come so far, and yes i know he is a fighter though no one knows if one of the complications will or will not happen,

It just feels like everything is piling on top of me, i feel like i need a break or a get away just so i can have some me time, a stress free time, and before any ones says yes i do get some sort of a break with them being in daycare, though they are only in 3 days a week and i don't leave them in there for long they go in  between 7 and 8 and i pick them back up by 3pm, then when they are there i am busy here at home doing all the house work and trying to get the place clean, looking for work, doing food shopping or any other appointments i have, i dont get a chance any more to catch up on sleep any more so i am basically running on 4 hours sleep a day if that,

In the mean time trying to keep up with the house hold chores making sure Daniel has a good meal every night to eat trying to get Jason walking properly and catching up to other kids his age as he is still behind quite a lot,

I wouldn't recommend to anyone having 2 kids so close together as it REALLY takes it out of you,

In the meantime dad's ex girlfriend the stupid mole stole from me, her and dad was ment to buy off me a brand new tv cabinet, book case, tv and a few other items, also i was storing my futon there untill i could get someone to help me move it, plus with jasons bits and pieces plus they borrowed a few of my dvds well things between them when sour and she "apparently" got rid of the items, like fucking hell they were not her items to get rid of, the futon was basiclly brand new,  all she gave back was jasons porta cot, his high chair and the tv minus the remote, stupid mole, like things might work like that in her world where she can just get rid of things or steel them and not get in shi for it though in the real world and the white world things dont happen like that

Job Interview

Well my job interview last night went really well i think it was a group interview,
I left feeling really good about it
I gave it my all
And showed them that i could work as a team player/working as a group,
I find out by friday if i have the job, if  i dont get a call back means i didnt get it,
Though a VERY big thank you to everyone who wished me luck and best wishes, i am so grateful to have friends like you guys, its really good to know there are people out there who do really care, and are not after just gossip or to make cheap shots,
so a very big thank you to you guys,
oh so cant wait i am going to have my phone on me 100% of the time lol i dont want to miss the call (if there is a call)


On another good note my Ebay items will be finishing soon cant wait with that either going to make my first sale :) Will be adding WAY more stuff to it soon


any way Jason is awake hammering his bottle on the side of the cot and screaming out DAD DAD DAD DAD,


Regards

Sarah

eBay Page

Full On

Well al i can say is that i have had a full on weekend, its been non stop and on the go,
having a packed house doesn't help either, and SO loud,  I'm not used to so much noise,  and with having Deacan and getting him used to being in a cot, i kinds need it to be quite when it comes time for him to sleep, and i don't feel right any more shutting the door while he is in bed, as i have had a few friends babies/children die of SIDS, so i like to have the door open a little so i can make sure he is breathing, and see the chest moving and also to make sure he hasn't covered his face
I am still doing my Ebay as well adding stuff on there and selling it, it could work out quite good as well, hopefully be able to make some money out of it

Also applied for quite a lot of work as well though let just watch me not get any call backs it really sucks i have the experience that is needed and i can work the hours that are needed as well, and yet still no call back i need to go back to work i want to go back to work

Well thats about it at the moment i can think of need to go and check on jason lol he is really quite,
Oh if anyone would like the link to my Ebay thing just let me know and ill give it to you

Regards

Sarah

Really over it

Im just so over everything i really am, Im over being ingored, im over being treated like crap, im over being expected to do everything, im over being expected to drop everything and come running when anyone says...

Do people no realize that i have my own life and that i am not here to service them?

I have my own stuff to worry about, i have my own stresses to worry about have you ever thought of that? how about you come running when ever i say how about you drop everything when i want you to,,,,

Everything is just getting to much it really is, the boys, life, marriage, looking for work, bills,
I hate how i am expected to everything just a little help is all i am asking for,
I was lucky enough that my father in law peter was about to take Deacan for the night, as he is picking up on everything and becoming a down right handful also doesnt help that he is teething and has a bad case of colic as well,
Daniel and I are seeming to argue a lot and thats just adding to everything i am so sick of him spending so much time on the computer its jsut insane, i ask him to do something usally when i ask him to do something with the boys i need them to be done there and then though no its when he is ready like if jason or deacan has a shitty bum he cant go and change it right there and then has to wait or a snotty nose,
daniel wonders why i am so tired all the time, i spend most of the day cleaning, doing dishes, bottles, washing, lookin after the 2 boys, driving like 80km a day, now add working on top of that, well trying to find a job first any how...

Let down...

I feel so let down at the moment i really do i spet ALL day yesterday cleaning the house from top to toe as we have a house inspection tomorrow.. and well not much got done on the weekend when daniel was home to give me a hand...
Though yeah the whole house was clean and i was proud of what i had done in such the small amount of time that i had to do it in **both kids were at daycare for the day**
The lounge room was spotless nothing out of place any where all washing folded and put away etc... though jason was home for 5 minutes and his toys were everywhere, and yeah i know before any one says anything he is a child he is going to do it i know, that didnt bother me as its not that hard to pick toys up...
Daniel gets home from work, here i am so so so proud of what i had done, he has a look around and says "nice work, now  keep it this way" my heart sunk....

then this morning i know its not jasons fault one bit though he started to cough so i put him over my knee and pat his back as it was a choking type cough though he power threw all over the carpet... now the house wreaks of spew and i have the huge white mark on the carpet and have until first up tomorrow morning to get it all out and the smell to go.. i know its not jason fault one bit as he is jsut a toddler how is he to knwo any better, its just disappointing and upsetting, as all that hard work yesterday and for nothing, 

I really just feel like the maid around here, i really do, as there is still a lot of washing to do and other  stuff that needs to be done, and yet i have a feeling none of its going to get done....

Work

So ill be looking a returning back to work soon, I need to update my resume though how can i make 16 months of home duties look good lol
as i haven't worked for the last 16 months because of having Jason and Deacan,
Im kinda scared about going back to work as i haven't worked in so long though also looking forward to it as well

tired

im so tired this morning, had an ok night with Deacan last night and i was in bed by 7pm.. i was up for almost 24 hours, he only woke twice last night though i am so tired still now, Jason is in daycare today, though deacan isnt, its 5.50am and coffee isnt even doing its job i look like death warmed up... how am i ment to return to work when i am going to be as tired as this, how am i going to be able to keep my mind on the job when all i want to do is sleep,
And yet how am i ment to go for job interviews when i am looking so tired

Life swap?

I think i am in need of a life swap... i know i dont have it as hard as other people and everything like that, though the life i have now is really getting to me,
Ive just had enough of everything i am so irritated by EVERYTHING,
I just want to curl up in a corner in a ball and just cry my eyes out for ages,
Everything is getting on top of me
I need to return to work though people are at me becuase i have put Deacan in day care, and i will be putting him in for an extra day as well, I HAVE to go back to work, people just dont understand that
some of us are not lucky that we can just live off our partners income,
I can only work the days the boys are in day care and i can only put Deacan in for 2 days as they dont have the 3rd day free that i want, also can work on the weekend as well,
I think going back to work will really be good for me,
Get me out of this house
get me back in the real worl around real people,


I swear deacan hates me at the moment he is well behaved for everyone else but me he jsut plays up on me, any how i guess i should just stop bitching