What a week

Well all i can say is what a week, it feels like it has been non stop,


First off on Sunday i had my confirmation so i was happy about that, now i am a member of the church and i also received the gift of the spirit as well, I have joined the church chore (not sure spelling is right) so i need to see my doctor about giving me some women injections to make sure my voice goes back up as the steroid injections have made it drop and crack lol


My weight is now 47kgs i am very happy about that, i am going to be either signing up to a gym so i can start getting fit or i will be going for runs, no not to loose weight though just to get fit so i can do everyday things with out getting puffed,  also because all the weight i have put on has gone straight to my stomach not that i mind though my tummy looks like i am 4 months pregnant lol,




Kids are going well Jason is talking so much more now also is getting into trouble a lot more as well, Deacan is just about walking wont be long now for him either, he is starting to walk around furniture, and is standing all the time, though we still haven't gotten him into a sleep routine yet, he just doesn't want to stay asleep so its making it hard on everyone,


On another note Daniel has Quit smoking as well i am so very proud of him, today will be his second day with out one, though today i have been 3 weeks without a smoke or coffee, really starting to miss the coffee now though, 


any way better goes it just about 7am and daniel still isnt out of bed he is going to be late for work, and he will prolly get angry at me for not waking him up though i told him if he didnt get up then it wasnt my fault that he was late for work,.


Any way i will talk again soon


Sarah xx

Very Bad day

Things have just gone from bad to worse today, I really should not of gotten out of bed

To start of with i was pregnant it really was not planned as much as anyone says it really wasnt, we were using condoms or pulling out, and before anyone says anything about pulling out as a birth control method we really though it was, though guessing not though i had my beta lvl done on Wednesday I was 13 DPO and i got the results back today they were only 15, he said that it should of been higher as i was showing up on normally pregnancy test, I also told him that i was bleeding and that it was bright red and passing quite large clotts he said that i was miscarrying and that there was no point doing another Beta,
I really dont know how to feel to be honest i am upset over it though shocked at the same time, and i just feel empty, I was really starting to warm up to the idea of being a mum again, and i think Daniel was starting to warm up to the idea of being a dad again as well,

I think daniel told him mum today that I lost the baby, im pretty sure she would be happy over it, as she called me the other day when i told her that i was pregnant and ripped into me, she wasnt happy about it at all, she told/sternly asked me to have an abortion and i turned around and said NO straight out, then she asked how i would feel if i miscarried, I told her if i was under 12 weeks i would be upset though I would be as sad about it as i was when we lost Bryce, though i said that if i lost the baby after the 12 weeks i would be very sad, she then said Well i hope you Miss.... i cut her off straight away with it and started to yell at her, as i knew she was going to say "well i hope you miscarriage then"  I was so angry i seen red

I was only 4 weeks according to Fertility Friend i had not even been for an ultrasound so i m not even sure though with my Beta level being low like it was i really dont think the pregnancy would of went any longer even if i done everything thing i could to stop it, besides what i had done, i didnt smoke or drink coffee i was also eating right and sleeping right as well i was really going to do everything that i could to make sure i made it to the 40 weeks


though now i really dont know how to feel.... i wouldnt mind trying again once these boys are older and are less needy, though i am pretty sure that Daniel will be getting the snip now,

also on another note besides all that happening today, I dropped my brand new phone and smashed the front of it so now i cant use it.... and its less than a week old..... so now i have to get another one added to my plan or get my old phone unlocked so i can put this sim card into it,

And wait there is more
Both the boys came home with snotty noses today from daycare, so thats just great, going ot have to keep a really good eye on them as they are prown to getting bronchitis and RSV from it, so i can see if jason starts having problems breathing it will be back up to the hospital to get him checked out so if jason has something Deacan more than likely has it to......



its 6.15pm and Daniel still isnt home from work he sent me a txt at about 6ish saying he still had not left work and its about an 1 1/2  trip back so just YAY


anyway thats it for now ill chat more later

That time

Well i am guess it is coming around to that time now with Jason, and i swear not that far behind Deacan....

All of a sudden now over the past 4 to 5 days Jason has turned so naughty he does what ever he wants when he wants it doesnt matter how many times you tell him "no" or move him away from what ever he is doing that is naughty he just does right back and does it, its starting to become very tiresome and i am starting to get sick of wasting my breath,
I have tried and tried to be very patient with him as i know it is only a "stage" though he is wearing the ice very very thin,

Deacan must be going through the terrible 1's lol if there were such a thing he is now starting to scream at everything if something doesnt work as he wants to he screams and throws a nana, if he drops anything he screams, if we are not paying him enough attention he lets out a lot of screams they are very high pitched and very irritating,  he does it all the bloody time..... and there is only so much one person can take of it, i swear i would rather listen to finger nails down a chalk board.........

I guess the kids are getting board at home compared to daycare as there is more to do there than what there is here i have them in daycare 3 days a week Monday Wednesday and Friday they dont go in for long  i drop them off around 7am and pick them up by 3pm, so they have enough time to play and learn while mummy has time top clean and do everything that she needs to do,

Both the boys have their party next month i need to start organizing it., Jason is turning 2 and Deacan is turning 1 so they are having a party together easiest thing until they know the difference,

though yeah tats it at the moment will write more later when the boys are being better behaved

2011 bring it on

All I can say is bring on 2011

All i want to do is bring on the new year, with any luck it has to be better than this one, I know there are people worse off out there than me though this year has been one hell of a year and by the looks of it, it isnt going to end well :(

I really dont know what to do any more or just how much more of anything i can take,

The kids are ok they are just being kids, demanding and much more needy at the moment, and they just want more than what i can give,I spend lost of time with Jason and Deacan a lot of one on one time and a lot of group play with them, though it just seems like its not enough for them, they just keep draining me, i know its just a child thing and its part and parcel of having children, its just draining thats all

Work is going good, though i am going to start looking for a full time job instead of the casual job that i have that way if i need to have time off because the children are sick or because I am i know that i will still get paid for it, though work to has its moments as well, i am meant to get 1 sale per hour that i work, though with leading up to Christmas people just didnt want to do it, knowing to well that it would void their warranty,  though i am hoping that the new year people will want to do it so i dont loose my job, i have asked my father in law to pass the word around and to get people to give me a call if they want something done and to ask for me specially and gave him the hours that i work so if they do call and want to book something in i get it and not one of the other girls,and also so it looks good on me because i am keeping up with my KPI's I really dont mind the work that i do it is as hard as you want to make it and as easy as you want to make it,

As for Daniel and I thats a whole different entry that i will make later,

so much has happened in 2010 i just want it to be over with like yeah good stuff has happened like the birth of beautiful Deacan, Jason starting to walk and grow up now, i am very grateful that both the boys are still here as we have had our ups and downs with them and there has been quite a few very close calls for them

though all i can say is bring on 2011 

The Boys

Well i thought it was about time to give you all an update on the boys, They are both going really well
Jason is now walking full time very rarely crawls at all, and now Deacan is trying to crawl, He gets himself up on all 4's and rocks, plus mind you he also rolls all over the ground, and is trying to talk now,
Jason now feeds himself its very messy when he does though at least he is trying, still finding it hard to get him to eat new foods though, he is a really fussy eater, though we will keep trying whats the worse he is going to do? not eat it????
Deacan will eat almost anything that you put in front of him he really loves his food and doesnt seem to be fussy one bit, also he is trying to talk now, it sounds so cute,
Jason now comes out with "Dont touch" and shakes his pointer as he says it

Last Couple Of Days

WOW what a past couple of days we have had that's all i can say its been so full on I just hope next week is better I'll start from the start so you have some insight with what has happened
it all started Wednesday i was getting Jason ready for daycare, i wanted to get him there early as i knew i would get a call sometime during the day to pick him up just because of his asthma and coughing that he was having, so i got him to daycare then rushed home to get stuck into the house work as the house was a mess, cos Jason had been home since Friday afternoon, got home and got straight into the cleaning, it was about 8 or 8.30 by the time i got home, i was half way though when i got a phone call at 11.30 am from the daycare saying that Jason had a raging temperature and was coughing to the point he was vomiting and that his Ventolin had not worked when they gave it to him, so I just dropped everything go in the car and took off, also mind you it was pouring down with rain, there was water all over the road and was very hard to see, i called the doctor on the way to see if i could get him in ASAP to been seen to though of course when you really need a doctors appointment they don't have any,
I got to the daycare and Jason was laying on their beds having quite time he was in nothing but a nappy, i picked him up and he was boiling, i got all the info that i needed off the daycare staff his temp was 38 at 11.40 then at 11.50 it had gone to 38.1 and was still rising they had tried everything to get it down, poor Jason was pail as anything so i didn't hesitate to take him up to the hospital,
Got to the hospital and was at the triage desk they took one look at him and told me to bring him in straight away so we went in and to a bed, we seen a doctor straight away, they done a suction of his nose and sent that away for testing,  at this stage im guessing jason was feeling like crap he was crying continuously didn't know what he wanted he wanted up then down then a bottle then to get back up then down this went on for ages, plus with the doctors coming in and looking at his ears and throat and poking and prodding him he was just miserable ,
At this stage i went out side to have a quick smoke and to call Daniel to tell him what was going on, that we were there and getting seen to straight away, i came straight back in to find that they had put Jason on Oxygen, as his Oxygen stats kept staying between 90 and 89 as soon as they put the mask near him his stats picked back up to 99 to 100, they then sent him away for a chest x-ray Jason had white spots all over his lungs then doctors told me that he had bronchiolitis and what looked like the on set on pneumonia so they decided to keep him in for obs and just in case he got worse, Jaosn had to keep his Oxygen on for Wednesday night and some of Thursday morning, he started to get a little better by Thursday though still the doctors came in puzzled not knowing what was wrong, i was getting quite scared cos he was really sick,  and the doctors didn't know how to treat him, though on Friday the doctors came in to examine him as jason was seeming to have gotten better just like that (must of been all the prayers and so forth that i asked for) they said that he had Parainfluenza 3 and bronchiolitis, though because he was doing a lot better and was no longer needing Oxygen we were aloud to come home

Update

Well i havent posted in here for a while so i thought its about time that i update everyone with whats happening in my world,

First off, Jason is now walking YAY its so cute to see him walk, he isnt walking you or I at the moment though he is taking a good couple of steps everywhere he wants to go, he walks now before he crawls, Jason is also taking less bottles now, so i think it might be the time to start upping the juice and only having bottles when its sleep time and as soon as he gets up, Also going to start toilet training soon as he is starting to show signs,

Secondly Deacan is now trying to crawl and he gets cranky when he cant he spends a lot of time on his belly now, and is eating at least 2 tins of solids a day, we are also teething now to, so i am really enjoying be up every morning at either 2 or 3am NOT

Job hunting is going good, I have applied for a lot of jobs and i have an interview tomorrow im looking forward to it though i am not going to get my hopes up, as i did with surpree as she made it sound like i was going to get a position and i never did, so fingers crossed this one works out well,

I have been trying to sort my "friends" out on facebook as i did have over 600 though a lot of them were from game apps, though now i am sorting people in categories of "Family" "Friends" "Close Friends" then game apps I.E farmvill, Cafe World etc, i also have a lot of random adds on there and i am over everyone knowing whats going on, as when i post some stuff i dont want everyone seeing it, so now i just select certain groups that can see it, I sent out a message to everyone to let me know what game apps they play and also what categories they fall under, its strange that just how many people just dont understand.... if people cant take the time to jsut send me a message saying then i dont think i have the time to have them on my list so i have given everyone 2 weeks to reply and if they dont the are getting deleted i dont care who they are,

So thats pretty much everything that has been happening i know a boring life LMFAO,

To much

Things are starting to become a bit to much everything is so stressful at the moment,
so i am still looking for work over all the jobs i have applied for i have only had 1 interview though no call back after that, it makes it hard because i can work everyday but Tuesdays, i am still waiting for a position to become available at the boys daycare to place them in there for then, at the moment it costs me $198 thats for 3 days a week, if they go in for the other 2 days as well it goes up to just under $460, i know thats a lot of money though we cant afford for me to be at home not working, I have sent an Email to the director of the daycare to see if they have any Tuesdays free yet, if they do i might just bight the bullet and put them in, as there are so many jobs out there that i am qualified for though i cant do because they are only Monday to Friday... though Daniel doesn't seem to understand about me putting them in 5 days a week as i don't have a job yet, though whats the point applying for the Monday to Friday jobs if i loose the Tuesday spots,

On top of all that Jason's heart appointment is coming up next week and i am really scared about it, i'm petrified that he will have to have heart surgery i have had a lot of people tell me that its straight forward, or they have known people that have had to have it and all worked out fine, though there is so many complications that can go wrong with it, we are so LUCKY to even have Jason here with us as they only gave us a 40% chance of being able to ring him home, i would break if something happened to him, he has fought though so much and come so far, and yes i know he is a fighter though no one knows if one of the complications will or will not happen,

It just feels like everything is piling on top of me, i feel like i need a break or a get away just so i can have some me time, a stress free time, and before any ones says yes i do get some sort of a break with them being in daycare, though they are only in 3 days a week and i don't leave them in there for long they go in  between 7 and 8 and i pick them back up by 3pm, then when they are there i am busy here at home doing all the house work and trying to get the place clean, looking for work, doing food shopping or any other appointments i have, i dont get a chance any more to catch up on sleep any more so i am basically running on 4 hours sleep a day if that,

In the mean time trying to keep up with the house hold chores making sure Daniel has a good meal every night to eat trying to get Jason walking properly and catching up to other kids his age as he is still behind quite a lot,

I wouldn't recommend to anyone having 2 kids so close together as it REALLY takes it out of you,

In the meantime dad's ex girlfriend the stupid mole stole from me, her and dad was ment to buy off me a brand new tv cabinet, book case, tv and a few other items, also i was storing my futon there untill i could get someone to help me move it, plus with jasons bits and pieces plus they borrowed a few of my dvds well things between them when sour and she "apparently" got rid of the items, like fucking hell they were not her items to get rid of, the futon was basiclly brand new,  all she gave back was jasons porta cot, his high chair and the tv minus the remote, stupid mole, like things might work like that in her world where she can just get rid of things or steel them and not get in shi for it though in the real world and the white world things dont happen like that

Heart Surgery

Jason has his Heart appointment on the 20th i am so scared for the little guy, if his hole in his heart hasnt closed up he has to go for heart surgery, they will check his groind while he is there to see if they can go that way, though if they cant they will be doing open heart surgery,
I asked a firend about it as he had to have it and he said the only thing if Jasons favor is that he is young, though there is so many risks for it,
He can have a heart attack an anurisem (sp), a stroke, an arrest (as they have to stop his hear to work on it)
Im so scared i no he is a tough little man, though he has already had to fight to be here i dont know what i would do if we lost him.... and the worse thing is he has to have the surgery if it hasnt closed, its not something that we can just leave and hope if you know what i mean,

Amusing

I find it quite amusing and ironic that people tell me how i should be raising my kids, and what i am doing wrong and how my kids should be acting and what they should be doing,
Like yeah Jason is behind other kids his age though you no what  HE WAS PREM, Jason is classed as a micro prem as he was 15 weeks premature, he is doing a great job with what he is doing, considering he shouldn't even be here though yeah im not doing a good enough job, People only seem to notice the things that Jason isnt doing they never seem to notice the things that he IS doing, we do our best, we really do, he is doing get and coming along nicely like yeah he isnt walking yet though wont be long until he is, He is still having alot of bottles during the day though i know 2 year olds and 3 year olds that still have a lot of bottles during the day, Yeah he isnt eating proper  food yeah (really chunky food), yeah that ones is my fault as when he was young he would choke on his food so i didnt want push him with it so he stayed on puree foods, after loosing a child, then your next child shouldnt be with you as they should not of made it you tend to be quite mothering and wrap them up in cotton wool though yeah that ones my fault, though now he is getting more teeth he is eating a lot better,
People really need to practice what they preach they really do... like yeah Jason is a bit of a handful, though how about instead of criticizing my parenting how about they look at their own, im not the only one with unruly kids god no one is perfect,
We have learnt with what we have dont wrong with Jason so we are not making the same mistakes with Deacan, though you show me a perfict mother or father and i will show you a lier, no child is born with a hand book so suck it up and get off my back, we do the best we can,
Until anyone else has a micro prem and can bring them up to speed with other kids their age at the same time then yeah you can tell me what to do, though for all you that dont get the hell off my back

Daycare

It seems like one thing after another with the kids daycare, i seem to get a phone call from them nearly everyday the kids are in there,
It seems like when ever Jason gets a bit demanding they call me to pick him up, cos they don't want to deal with it, like yeah i could be wrong though that's how its coming across,
on Wednesday they called med because he came out with a rash (he already had it it was a viral rash and they had a doc cert for that) and also because he came out in some welts, fair enough i left to get him in case it was an allergic reaction, Friday it was because he vomited once, and then on Monday because he vomited twice,  dont get me wrong i have NO problem picking him up at all if need be, though each time i have picked him up he was fine once he got home, I explained to them once he has his Ventolin he does vomit because he gets himself that worked up over it and because after he has it he coughs a lot, im the same after i have mine to, i picked him up yesterday and they left vomit on him i walked in and was like WTF, he had dried vomit over his face and hands, i thought they would of at least cleaned him up a little though guess i was wrong

Then of all things one of the daycare ladies turns around to me when i picked him up yesterday and asks "do you feed Jason much" i felt like saying WTF no i let him stave  quite sarcastically though i just took a deep breath and said yeah i do feed him though its hard most times cos when i go to feed him he will push it away alot so i at least make sure he has 3 meals a day at least, i cant get him to eat as much as the day care does, then i turned and said why do you ask? and she said because he had 3 mouthfuls of his food then threw up, though he also had a bottle before he ate so of course he is going to be full and he isnt used to lumpy food that much at the moment so he chokes on it,
i was quite shocked that she asked me if i fed him much, like bloody hell of course i feed Jason,

Clearing out

So I have been going through all of Jason and Deacan's Baby stuff, and i am clearing out all the stuff they do not use or wear, ive decided the best thing to do is to put it on eBay,
im even going through all of Daniel and I's stuff to as the house seem so cluttered though we didnt think we had that much stuff lol.
Though everything we no longer need/want and is still in good condition I am going to put it on there,I am about to make my first sale on eBay as well its kinda exciting lol

Any way just thought i would make a quick post gotta go tend to Deacan

Job Interview

Well my job interview last night went really well i think it was a group interview,
I left feeling really good about it
I gave it my all
And showed them that i could work as a team player/working as a group,
I find out by friday if i have the job, if  i dont get a call back means i didnt get it,
Though a VERY big thank you to everyone who wished me luck and best wishes, i am so grateful to have friends like you guys, its really good to know there are people out there who do really care, and are not after just gossip or to make cheap shots,
so a very big thank you to you guys,
oh so cant wait i am going to have my phone on me 100% of the time lol i dont want to miss the call (if there is a call)


On another good note my Ebay items will be finishing soon cant wait with that either going to make my first sale :) Will be adding WAY more stuff to it soon


any way Jason is awake hammering his bottle on the side of the cot and screaming out DAD DAD DAD DAD,


Regards

Sarah

eBay Page

Full On

Well al i can say is that i have had a full on weekend, its been non stop and on the go,
having a packed house doesn't help either, and SO loud,  I'm not used to so much noise,  and with having Deacan and getting him used to being in a cot, i kinds need it to be quite when it comes time for him to sleep, and i don't feel right any more shutting the door while he is in bed, as i have had a few friends babies/children die of SIDS, so i like to have the door open a little so i can make sure he is breathing, and see the chest moving and also to make sure he hasn't covered his face
I am still doing my Ebay as well adding stuff on there and selling it, it could work out quite good as well, hopefully be able to make some money out of it

Also applied for quite a lot of work as well though let just watch me not get any call backs it really sucks i have the experience that is needed and i can work the hours that are needed as well, and yet still no call back i need to go back to work i want to go back to work

Well thats about it at the moment i can think of need to go and check on jason lol he is really quite,
Oh if anyone would like the link to my Ebay thing just let me know and ill give it to you

Regards

Sarah

Sorry guys

Im sorry guys that i have not posted for a while, things have been Very busy for me,
With both Jason and Deacan teething, plus with myself looking for work, and i now have laryngitis and really feel like crap !!!!!!!! though oh well no use complaining now one listens as they say lol,
Jason is doing great he is coming along so far and fast now :) he now drinks out of a sippy cup properly its so cute and he is getting really fast with teh crawling and he now stands all by himself wont be long now until he is walking he now only has one sleep through the day, though still thinks he needs more as he is an utter grump during the day later on after his sleep lol

Deacan slept through the night last night for the very first time though he was good and drank a whopping 280ml out of his bottle no wonder he slept the whole night lol,  also have him on solids now he loves them :)

Really over it

Im just so over everything i really am, Im over being ingored, im over being treated like crap, im over being expected to do everything, im over being expected to drop everything and come running when anyone says...

Do people no realize that i have my own life and that i am not here to service them?

I have my own stuff to worry about, i have my own stresses to worry about have you ever thought of that? how about you come running when ever i say how about you drop everything when i want you to,,,,

Everything is just getting to much it really is, the boys, life, marriage, looking for work, bills,
I hate how i am expected to everything just a little help is all i am asking for,
I was lucky enough that my father in law peter was about to take Deacan for the night, as he is picking up on everything and becoming a down right handful also doesnt help that he is teething and has a bad case of colic as well,
Daniel and I are seeming to argue a lot and thats just adding to everything i am so sick of him spending so much time on the computer its jsut insane, i ask him to do something usally when i ask him to do something with the boys i need them to be done there and then though no its when he is ready like if jason or deacan has a shitty bum he cant go and change it right there and then has to wait or a snotty nose,
daniel wonders why i am so tired all the time, i spend most of the day cleaning, doing dishes, bottles, washing, lookin after the 2 boys, driving like 80km a day, now add working on top of that, well trying to find a job first any how...

Let down...

I feel so let down at the moment i really do i spet ALL day yesterday cleaning the house from top to toe as we have a house inspection tomorrow.. and well not much got done on the weekend when daniel was home to give me a hand...
Though yeah the whole house was clean and i was proud of what i had done in such the small amount of time that i had to do it in **both kids were at daycare for the day**
The lounge room was spotless nothing out of place any where all washing folded and put away etc... though jason was home for 5 minutes and his toys were everywhere, and yeah i know before any one says anything he is a child he is going to do it i know, that didnt bother me as its not that hard to pick toys up...
Daniel gets home from work, here i am so so so proud of what i had done, he has a look around and says "nice work, now  keep it this way" my heart sunk....

then this morning i know its not jasons fault one bit though he started to cough so i put him over my knee and pat his back as it was a choking type cough though he power threw all over the carpet... now the house wreaks of spew and i have the huge white mark on the carpet and have until first up tomorrow morning to get it all out and the smell to go.. i know its not jason fault one bit as he is jsut a toddler how is he to knwo any better, its just disappointing and upsetting, as all that hard work yesterday and for nothing, 

I really just feel like the maid around here, i really do, as there is still a lot of washing to do and other  stuff that needs to be done, and yet i have a feeling none of its going to get done....

Work

So ill be looking a returning back to work soon, I need to update my resume though how can i make 16 months of home duties look good lol
as i haven't worked for the last 16 months because of having Jason and Deacan,
Im kinda scared about going back to work as i haven't worked in so long though also looking forward to it as well

Jason

So we had an appointment at the genetic clinic today at the Royal Brisbane , they guy was very nice, and didnt mind me asking so many questions lol, and for once a doctor that actually listens i know right shock horror so they think that Jason might have Noonan Syndrome they are not 100% sure though they took some photos of Jasons characteristics that he has of it and then some photos of Daniel and I and he is going to put it through as a case with the other genetic councilors and see what they think so if we dont get a call back it means he doesnt have if we get a call back on Friday or not long after it means he does have

Though on a good note jason is now 10kgs, 73cm tall and has a head circumference of 47cm

being Selfish?

I often wonder if i am being selfish or pig headed or unreasonable, 
I think sometimes that people dont understand me or how i feel, or what i want out of life, and this is where it comes in i think i am being selfish

I want to know that my life has some purpose to it, and that i am ment to be here for a reason, like to get me worng i am happy with my life though i guess i want more with it, I would love for it to have more meaning that what it does i guess,
I know i have meaning and purpose to my 3 little gorges boys, and to my husband that i think loves me, though not 100% sure on that one as i dont get told it that often,

And i guess i am also being selfish as i hate being told how many kids i can have, I would love to have a lot more children, I am VERY happy with my 3 boys, though i would like to have more, and Daniel has said NO out right to any more children, is it selfish to want more than what we know we can have?
I know there is a good chance that every pregnancy can either take my life or the babies lives, and i know that it is being selfish as i know this can happen yet i want more,
I guess for me being told NO to children is like putting a beer infront of an alcoholic and telling/demanding they can not drink it,  i guess it just hurts more than anything
I know i would really love a happy ending as well, maybe i already have mine though i am to blind or pig headed to see it, i want more out of life than what i have, i want to do more with my life, i want my life to have meaning.. I have always been told that everyone is here for a reason if that is true than what is my reason? What was Bryce's reason? what is Jason's reason? What is Deacan's Reason? or Daniels reason? do we all have one?
I guess i just have been doing way way way to much thinking, though yeah just being honest with everything,
As i said this could be classed as being selfish or pig headed or what not, though yeah