Upsetting

I got this reply off  a board in fertility Friend i was readying replies and come across this one that made me really upset

I don't know any stories personally (my LO's were preemies but not micro preemies), but my DH is a bioethicist at the #2 hospital in the country, and he occasionally makes NICU rounds to do consults with families, etc at another local hospital. He's seen 23 weekers make it just fine. Just the other day, he personally saw a couple of 23 weekers, they were tiny but doing fairly well. Viability is generally 24 weeks, but it seems many more are making it earlier on nowadays.

I know this sounds wrong and all though if there are more and more 23 weekers being born and surviving then WHY didnt my doctor help Bryce so he would of been able to be here now??? I am so angry and hurt and upset
The doctors didnt even give my little boy a chance though i am no hearing stories of more and more 23 weekers  being born and surviving it just doesnt seem fair at alll

AHM

SO its not bad enough that the ladies from AHM are still looking at my blog though they are now adding me on facebook like WHAT THE!!!!!!,
like honestly what is the big fascination with my life? its not bad enough they are coming through their link i am guessing they are searching for my blog to because all of a sudden i have the huge rush of google searches for my blog

I am so totally over all the DRAMA with them, life goes on..... though yet they are still coming here... what are they after more information to call me a bogan??? is that why you are all adding me on facebook for to see if there are any  "bogan" photos of me???

oh well guess they haven't finished with what ever they wanted/need to get off me......

have fun ladies though i really dont know what you are gong to find

What are you going to do next? tell me that it was my fault  my son died??? tell me i didnt do every thing that i should of??? tell me i am such a bad mother???

Christmas Wish

I find that around the christmas time, that people turn very selfish and its all about getting gifts and who spent more on who and all that bull,

I have one christmas wish one gift that i want, one gift i know i will never get

My one wish/gift that i would love to have is to have my son back

though you wont see me throwing a tatrum because i know that wont be what i will get
though i will make sure that a candle shines brightly for him on the day, i might not have him in may arms like i want though he will be in my heart, i will have his photo shown off with pride  he is still part of the family dead or alive,
Bryce is our angle on our tree, we dont need know star we dont need no fake plastic angel as god is hold our angel for us and keeping him safe, im sure on christmas instead of holding him i will feel his wings wrapped around me instead


My Christmas Wish,......

Finally

I finally done it, I asked the doctor for help,
I went and sore the doctor yesterday and told him that i wasn't coping to well with everything that is going on, and that i needed help he said that he has wanted to put me on something for quite a while now, though i kept turning him down, as i wanted to do it myself, and  i was scared that if i went on something or told him i wasnt coping that he would take my kids off me, he said that i have lasted a very long time with out anything and that i am stronger than i think i am, due to everything that i have been through and i still managed to keep it together, The doctor said that he would gladly put me on the mediation to help and he said that he would never take my children off me, and he is proud that i finally asked for help,
I have been trying to deal with this on my own and now it has gotten me so low i couldn't see a way out, i feel a lot better for asking for help,
I was ment to be on anti depressants after loosing Bryce though i didnt want to take anything, and then after having jason i started to suffer from postnatal depression, and i was so ashamed so i didnt ask for help at all, as i didnt want anyone to know, though for the past couple of months things have really been getting on top of me and i feel like i have no control over anything , he said that the medication wont help straight away though it will be between 6 months to 1 year before i notice a well and truly improvement

Bitter Sweet

So tomorrow is a very bitter sweet day, a day that i should be happy though i can see that most of it i will be in tears, Tomorrow is Daniel and I's 3rd year wedding anniversary that is the sweet part, though the bitter part is that it was the night that our sweet little angel Bryce was conceived so there will be happy thoughts and sad thoughts,

Daniel and I have been through so much in the past 3 years it feels like we have already lived a life time

I really know that it should be a happy day though even thinking about it no it really upsets me to the point there are tears, 

Been a while

So its been awhile since i have last posted anything,
every time i sit down to write something happens with the kids or i go to sit and write and my mind becomes blank, and have no idea what to write,

I have been trying to help a god friend of mine latley as she has suffered a loss, though unlike most of us baby loss mummas she never go to see or hold her little one or even get the chance to find out the sex of her baby, as she was only 17 weeks along, my heart really breaks for her and for all the other mothers and fathers out there as well for having to go through this,
I'm finding it hard with what to say to her, though i am always offering my ear or shoulder if she ever needs it,
I remember after loosing Bryce there was not much anyone could say or do though just having that person on the other end of the phone or MSN was great to be able to talk to them and let out what i was feeling, I did suggest to her that possibly writing about it might help as i have found that writing has helped me though i know writing isnt for everyone,

So as well all know this weeks is remembrance week so i would like to take the time to ask everyone to please think about all the other parents that have lost their children as well if that is ok please,

things with me have been getting there, i still have my good and bad days as i am still finding around the house little things of bryce's through out the house
I am also feeling quite guilty as i have not been out to see him in a very long time, i find that i go to drive out there to say hello and i start crying before i even get there so i turn around and come back.. Im not sure why i am getting like this as i used to be ok driving out there it was just once i got there and seen his tomb stone i start crying,

Why?

I have been wanting to post this for a while and every time i think about what i am going to write i end up crying, though i have been often wondering WHY about alot of things,
 am finding myself wondering why did god have to take my son away? why did he think he had the right to? Why did he think that Bryce was better of with him then 2 loving parents? and why did he almost take my life as well?
I miss him so much i want him to be here with us not in some box in the ground, its just not fair, the doctors can not give us any answers still to this day just under 2 1/2 years later and we are none the wiser all we were told is "its just one of those things that happen" and " that it doesn't happen to that many people i'm sorry though you are just one of those unfortunate people" Right yeah ok like that answers a hell of  a lot,

People tell me that i should just get over it and be thankful for the 2 little ones i have now, and i am grateful for them i really am, though i should have 3 children home with me not 2,

Why do i keep forgetting him for? i forget what his skin felt like what it was like to hold him what it was like to dress him and hold him so close to me, Why did i have to give him back to the nurses to take away Why couldnt i bring myself to hold him more for and look at him more,

Why did i put off going to the hospital for? maybe this could of all been prevented, Why didnt i go for, Why didnt i make the nurses listen to me when i called them, why did i take their advice and not go in then and there, Why did my body have to reject him for?

I want answers but i guess i am never going to get them....
all i can do is sit here and wonder why...............

being Selfish?

I often wonder if i am being selfish or pig headed or unreasonable, 
I think sometimes that people dont understand me or how i feel, or what i want out of life, and this is where it comes in i think i am being selfish

I want to know that my life has some purpose to it, and that i am ment to be here for a reason, like to get me worng i am happy with my life though i guess i want more with it, I would love for it to have more meaning that what it does i guess,
I know i have meaning and purpose to my 3 little gorges boys, and to my husband that i think loves me, though not 100% sure on that one as i dont get told it that often,

And i guess i am also being selfish as i hate being told how many kids i can have, I would love to have a lot more children, I am VERY happy with my 3 boys, though i would like to have more, and Daniel has said NO out right to any more children, is it selfish to want more than what we know we can have?
I know there is a good chance that every pregnancy can either take my life or the babies lives, and i know that it is being selfish as i know this can happen yet i want more,
I guess for me being told NO to children is like putting a beer infront of an alcoholic and telling/demanding they can not drink it,  i guess it just hurts more than anything
I know i would really love a happy ending as well, maybe i already have mine though i am to blind or pig headed to see it, i want more out of life than what i have, i want to do more with my life, i want my life to have meaning.. I have always been told that everyone is here for a reason if that is true than what is my reason? What was Bryce's reason? what is Jason's reason? What is Deacan's Reason? or Daniels reason? do we all have one?
I guess i just have been doing way way way to much thinking, though yeah just being honest with everything,
As i said this could be classed as being selfish or pig headed or what not, though yeah

Playing on my mind

so i have had this playing on my mind for a VERY long time and didnt know whether to say something or not though i know if i dont i am just going to keep stewing on it

A few people have told me its time to move on and to let Bryce go and rest in peace, and that i should stop going on like i do some of them have NEVER lost a child so have NO idea what I am going through or how I feel, some of them have lost a child though not at birth they have go to take their child home, I am not going to mention names as i dont think its fair

Though for the ones WHO DID GET to take their child home, YOU was able to hold your child when ever you wished,
YOU WAS able to feel that heart beating against your chest,
YOU WAS able to feel your child breath and peer into their loving eyes,
WHEN you HELD your child he/she was worm and moving

MY son's heart wasnt beating, i didnt have a chance to feel it against my chest
MY son wasnt breathing so i never got to feel his breath upon my skin,
MY son's eyes were not open when he was born so i never got a chance to look at them
WHEN i got my FIRST hold of my son he wasn't warm, he was cold and lifeless, and heavy,
I never got a chance to take him home and tuck him in, i NEVER got the chance to leave the hospital with him,
Instead i recived a purple box, with a few photos and the doctors telling me "your still young you have plenty of time for more children"

So before you want to tell me to MOVE on and GET OVER it, how about you think of all that and JUST how LUCKY you really are,


Im really sorry if that is harsh or careless though i have had enough of people telling me to get over it, i will move on from Bryce when i am ready to,  and NOT when anyone tells me to

Thinking

I was thinking about starting a cause on Facebook regarding mums and dads who have lost little one, to bring out the awareness that child birth isn't as straight forward as we all believe, and how not every person is so lucky to have their little ones with them,

I know that i am bless with my 2 beautiful boys that i have been given after the loss of Bryce, though there are some mums and dads out there, though don't have any other children, who haven't been blessed like some of us,


And i know quite a few people that have been blessed with not loosing a child,

If i can get enough people behind me with this i will start the cause, can you please let me know if you are interested or not

OMG

oh my god i am so hurt right about now, more than words can explain,
I had a photo of Bryce up as my profile photo on facebook photo and my father told me to take it down like to change it so i did, I told him i didnt see why i should though i would do it any how, he then told me becuase it could upset a lot of people mainly him


Do people not understand that it hurts me more being told/asked to take it down? Bryce is my son still it doesnt matter that he is not here with us, it doesnt matter that he is dead he is STILL my son, i am proud of him i am proud of every part of him,

Like yeah i understand that it would hurt some people to see him because of memories and the pain of it all, though why cant i show him for? why do i have to hid him for? people make him out to be like this diry little secret that no one talks about....


no on would have a problem of me putting up a photo of myself or Daniel or Jason or even Deacan so WHY does it bother people that i put one up of Bryce????



I might be over reacting and if i am please and i mean PLEASE tell me, i dont know if it is my hormones, or what though yeah this really upset me

Facebook Photo

I want to change my photo on Facebook to a photo of Bryce,
though i know if i do i will upset a lot of people as i know there are alot of people not just me that are missing him
Would it be wrong or spiteful if i changed my photo to him?
Would it be wrong if i changed it knowing that it would upset people?

My Beautiful Boy

 

I love this little man so much, I miss him more than anything, not a day goes by that i dont think of him or want him beside me,

Love you little man xx

Wanted/Loved

Wouldnt it be nice to be wanted/loved like Edward and Jacob want Bella,
I would love to fee that love that they feel for her or that passion,
Most day i doubt that Daniel does love me, Maybe he does Maybe he doesnt, He doesnt say it any more, i dont feel it from him any more,
maybe he is just with me because of the boys and doesnt want to be away from the boys so he stays with me,
Maybe i have just watched WAY to much Twilight though i WANT to have that feeling that Bella does, i want someone to want me like that, i want to mean the world to someone, and be loved like that,
I want to have that heart stopping feeling...
Maybe i am thinking to much into it
Maybe i am just living in a dream world....

Understand

I feel like people dont understand me, like they dont know/understand what id going on inside my head, how i think what i feel and what i want...
Maybe im just being over dramatic though i dont know, people always tell me they know how i feel or know what i am going through though i really doubt it
I know that sounds rude and i am very sorry, Though i guess know one really know how i feel but me,
I try to let people in and let them know and try to explain, though i feel like they think i am pulling the sympathy card,
Like yeah i do understand its been 2 years and 3 months, though i have my good days and my bad days,
And at the moment my bad day are out waying the rest, maybe i just have to much time on my hands, and thats why,
Maybe i am just to un motivated, so instead i just sit here and get upset and just think to much,
I really dont know any more,
I hate feeling like this
I hate feeling that Loosing Bryce was all my fault,
I hate the feeling that i get thinking "what if we got to the hospital quicker, could they of stopped it"
I hate the feeling and the fact that i have 2 other beautiful boys here with me now and that are alive, and all i can do is think about Bryce and what could of been....

poem

Would you know who i was?
If you seen my face?

Would you know my gental touch?
If i held you in my grasp

Would you know how much you would be loved
If you wasnt taken to the heavens above

Would you have wanted to go?
If it wasnt your time?

I wonder what you would look like now
Would you look like me?or would you look like your dad?
Would you be talking now?
Or better yet even walking?
You know just how much mum and dad loved you and will always love you
Wouldnt you??

3 Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It has been 12 months and 3 days since we lost bryce, I have my good days and my bad days, atley i have had more bad days then good, Life has been getting a bit easier as we have jsut welcomed Bryces little brother Jason into the world, Jason also looks just like Bryce so in some ways it makes it harder,

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

I honestly used to hate seeing pregnant ladies around, as i used to think its not fair, why them and not me, i think the ladies must of knew buy the look on my face and how i would almost cry, they would look at me and smile to as if to say "im sorry", it took a good while for me to get over the hurt and pain of seeing pregnant ladies, though now i am fine with it, as i know a little life is so precious (sp)

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

i used to get therapy though i found it made me worse, i usually listen to music to cope with it all, as Bryce used to love my singing it used to put him to sleep, so if i feel down i jsut put on some tunes and sing, sometimes i will jsut have a big cry and let it out sometimes that works, or i jsut talk to other Angel mums and share what i am going through with them,
or if I get to bad i will go down and see Bryce and ask for the strength to get through all of it,

My posts,

Oh wow, i just went through all my posts that i have made and put labels to them all and i noticed that i have done more posts about Bryce then anything else, Im so sorry guys, you must all be so sick of hearing about him... I really dont mean to make this Blog all depressing and sad though when i write i just write whats on my mind and in my heart at the time... in really sorry, i can understand that if you dont want to get the email updates as you dont want to read it anymore if that is the case let me know and i will remove your email from the list

seen on facebook

Seen this on facebook its really sweet though brought a tear to my eye, i really dont know whats wrong i dont no if its my hormones or what though yeah it made me cry

I loved you the minute i found out you existed, then I saw your ultrasound scan and fell in love with you more. You were only a few centremeters long but I knew I would die for you, and to this day I still would and I would do anything I could to protect you. This is the miracle of life! Put this on your status if you have children you love more than life itself


This suits Bryce so much... Even though he was not a planned pregnancy as soon as i seen him i loved him right from the little jelly bean look that he was from the first kick and movement... right up until he was born...

and still to this day i love him more than life itself

Bad day

So today was one of my bad days a friend of mine copped it **sorry sweetie didnt mean to lay it all on you**
Though i am feeling so worthless right about know i really have no idea why though i keep blaming myself for Bryce, i know that i shouldn't though i just cant help it,
I quite often get told that it was my body that couldnt hold him in or i shouldn't of even had kids in the first place and just stuff like that, Im not going to say who says that though i can put my finger on it that a few of you will know,

Do people not understand that i walk around every day with that guilt, that my body couldnt hold our son in that my body basicly rejected him?? people can be very heartless, its really easy for someone to judge that has never been through it, I quite often get he was my grandson rarara though you know what? HE WAS MY FIRST SON!!! MY FIRST CHILD!!!!!

I see the hurt enough know in daniels eye every day, i often wonder if he hates me i know he wouldnt tell me if he did though maybe deep down he does....

Ive been really trying to think and remember what happend the day that Bryce was born though i really dont remember to much of it, I know that if it wasnt for Danielle i wouldnt be here know and i am VERY grateful to her for that,

I remember getting there and being told you are 9 cm dilated, sorry sweety there is nothing we can do you are going to have your baby, i dont really remember to much to be honest i know i had a lot of people coming in and seeing me, i know it wasnt long until daniel was there,
I remember the pain i could see in danielles face, not wanting this to happen though know it was going to,
Then when it came to about time to have Bryce i remember i had lost a lot of blood they were putting to bad of blood through me at once and really squeezing them through, i remember going in and out of it saying that i was really tired, then hearing the doctors and that yelling my name, saying to stay with them and breath, then next thing i know i copped a bit thud on the chest and i opend my eyes and looked at daniel and he was bawling his eyes out... then next thing i know Bryce was born,
I hate myself so much the nurses brought him over to me all wrapped in a nice blanket with a beanie and clothes he really looked like a new born baby.. and i just push him away i didnt want to look at him i didnt want to hold him i didint even want to know him... it took me about 2 hours before i was able to hold him or even look at him... i wonder if he is looking down on me and hating me for that I miss his so much.. i would do anything to have him here with me i really would,....