Very Bad day

Things have just gone from bad to worse today, I really should not of gotten out of bed

To start of with i was pregnant it really was not planned as much as anyone says it really wasnt, we were using condoms or pulling out, and before anyone says anything about pulling out as a birth control method we really though it was, though guessing not though i had my beta lvl done on Wednesday I was 13 DPO and i got the results back today they were only 15, he said that it should of been higher as i was showing up on normally pregnancy test, I also told him that i was bleeding and that it was bright red and passing quite large clotts he said that i was miscarrying and that there was no point doing another Beta,
I really dont know how to feel to be honest i am upset over it though shocked at the same time, and i just feel empty, I was really starting to warm up to the idea of being a mum again, and i think Daniel was starting to warm up to the idea of being a dad again as well,

I think daniel told him mum today that I lost the baby, im pretty sure she would be happy over it, as she called me the other day when i told her that i was pregnant and ripped into me, she wasnt happy about it at all, she told/sternly asked me to have an abortion and i turned around and said NO straight out, then she asked how i would feel if i miscarried, I told her if i was under 12 weeks i would be upset though I would be as sad about it as i was when we lost Bryce, though i said that if i lost the baby after the 12 weeks i would be very sad, she then said Well i hope you Miss.... i cut her off straight away with it and started to yell at her, as i knew she was going to say "well i hope you miscarriage then"  I was so angry i seen red

I was only 4 weeks according to Fertility Friend i had not even been for an ultrasound so i m not even sure though with my Beta level being low like it was i really dont think the pregnancy would of went any longer even if i done everything thing i could to stop it, besides what i had done, i didnt smoke or drink coffee i was also eating right and sleeping right as well i was really going to do everything that i could to make sure i made it to the 40 weeks


though now i really dont know how to feel.... i wouldnt mind trying again once these boys are older and are less needy, though i am pretty sure that Daniel will be getting the snip now,

also on another note besides all that happening today, I dropped my brand new phone and smashed the front of it so now i cant use it.... and its less than a week old..... so now i have to get another one added to my plan or get my old phone unlocked so i can put this sim card into it,

And wait there is more
Both the boys came home with snotty noses today from daycare, so thats just great, going ot have to keep a really good eye on them as they are prown to getting bronchitis and RSV from it, so i can see if jason starts having problems breathing it will be back up to the hospital to get him checked out so if jason has something Deacan more than likely has it to......



its 6.15pm and Daniel still isnt home from work he sent me a txt at about 6ish saying he still had not left work and its about an 1 1/2  trip back so just YAY


anyway thats it for now ill chat more later

"Through The Eyes Of A Broken Heart"

Hey guys i have decided to do some writing i am unsure yet if i should turn it into a book or not, I want to be able to let other angle mums know that they are not alone,  I want to be able to add quotes from angel pages and true quotes that will help the suffering, i haven't been writing it for long though this is what i have to start off with, let me know what you think (honestly)

When my husband and I got married little did we know that our wedding night would change our lives from that day on?

It was your typical night that one newly married couple would have romantic,  what more could you want, a lovely hotel room with your newly beloved, room service, and a view to die, need I say more,

5 weeks later I was feeling a bit off, I knew I was sick, I had the day off work, so I decided to do food shopping, I had all the signs of being pregnant though didn’t have the morning sickness at that stage, I couldn’t handle the smell of some foods, I had some back pain off and on, my breasts hurt and I was really moody, and I wasn’t 100% if my period was late or not, though I was doing the shopping and I came to the isle that  the home pregnancy tests were in and they were really on special so I decided to get one and just test as I didn’t think for one minute that I was pregnant, so after I finished the shopping I got home put it all away and though I might do that test, straight away the two lines came up I remember sitting on the toilet shocked and stunned little did I know that, that little pee stick was going to change my life forever, I let my husband know that I was pregnant as he was at work, I didn’t want to email him as I didn’t know if he was at his desk or not, I didn’t want to call him as I knew he wouldn’t answer so I took a photo of the test with my mobile and sms it to him, the only response I had for at least 5 sms back was “WTF .......” 

About 5 or so weeks later I started to bleed I thought the worse, as I had had quite a few miscarriages in the past and I swore it was happening all over again, so off to the hospital I race, just to find out it was normal to bleed in the early stages so they gave me my RH- injection and sent me on my way,

I just thought to start with that a bit of back ground might be good first before getting to the parts that will make you cry,  I dont no if i am being foolish or not wanting to help people and trying to let them know that they are not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, i guess if anything this will help me in the long run

Knowing how I feel...

I have been umming and aring about posting this though i thought stuff it, this is my blog, this is my way of expressing how i feel, I know this is really going to piss some people off though to be honest i dont care i really need to get this out as i have been stewing on it for way to long

I dont see how people can tell me they know how i feel and what i am going through after loosing Bryce, when they havent been through it, one person really got to me and that was my step sister, she had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and had the nerve to tell me she knew exacly how i felt when i lost Bryce, im sorry sweetie no you dont, yeah a miscarriage is hard and upsetting i have had enough to know though it does NOT compare to a 2nd or 3rd trimester lost,

I have had so many people tell me they know what i am going through as their mum or friend etc went throguh it or they have had a miscarriage under 12weeks, im sorry though how is that the same as loosing a 20+ gestation baby?

You dont have to plan a funeral for the baby, you dont have to hold that lifeless body in your arms.... you dont have to walk into birth death and marriages to register you babies name....

Im sorry this must sound so selfish on my behalf though i just can put up with it any more, i needed to get it off my chest