The Boys

Well i thought it was about time to give you all an update on the boys, They are both going really well
Jason is now walking full time very rarely crawls at all, and now Deacan is trying to crawl, He gets himself up on all 4's and rocks, plus mind you he also rolls all over the ground, and is trying to talk now,
Jason now feeds himself its very messy when he does though at least he is trying, still finding it hard to get him to eat new foods though, he is a really fussy eater, though we will keep trying whats the worse he is going to do? not eat it????
Deacan will eat almost anything that you put in front of him he really loves his food and doesnt seem to be fussy one bit, also he is trying to talk now, it sounds so cute,
Jason now comes out with "Dont touch" and shakes his pointer as he says it

Finally

I finally done it, I asked the doctor for help,
I went and sore the doctor yesterday and told him that i wasn't coping to well with everything that is going on, and that i needed help he said that he has wanted to put me on something for quite a while now, though i kept turning him down, as i wanted to do it myself, and  i was scared that if i went on something or told him i wasnt coping that he would take my kids off me, he said that i have lasted a very long time with out anything and that i am stronger than i think i am, due to everything that i have been through and i still managed to keep it together, The doctor said that he would gladly put me on the mediation to help and he said that he would never take my children off me, and he is proud that i finally asked for help,
I have been trying to deal with this on my own and now it has gotten me so low i couldn't see a way out, i feel a lot better for asking for help,
I was ment to be on anti depressants after loosing Bryce though i didnt want to take anything, and then after having jason i started to suffer from postnatal depression, and i was so ashamed so i didnt ask for help at all, as i didnt want anyone to know, though for the past couple of months things have really been getting on top of me and i feel like i have no control over anything , he said that the medication wont help straight away though it will be between 6 months to 1 year before i notice a well and truly improvement

how much more?

Well so much for things changing hey??? yeah right... they did for a week or so now things are back to the same old normal
like dont get me wrong im not expecting daniel to do everything around the house,  as he goes to work 5 days a week, though possibly help me out on the weekend, or maybe cooking dinner during the week or something, though its like i am expected to do everything keep the house clean, take the boys to and from daycare/appointments, im doing my best looking for work, so i am going to interviews as well, managing the bills doing the food shopping etc, plus on top of that getting up several times during the night/morning to deacan, so most nights after doing all this i dont have the energy to cook tea, plus i also dont no what time daniel is going to be home, as it ranges from 6 to 7.30,
though the thing i dont get is how hard is it to spend some good one on one time with your kids?
he goes to work, spend 8 or so hours in front of a computer then comes home and sits on it all night on it then its the same on the weekend, like yeah i do sit on the computer though i do also spend a lot of one on one time with the kids,
Jason is so clingy towards me now and hardly wants anything to do with Daniel, i dont know if thats cos i spend time with him or not,

Everything is just starting to get to much, i really cant to much more of it, i dont feel like a wife any more i feel like a made or just a convenience

Let down

I'm really starting to get sick of people letting me down,
Daniel and I are always there for other people when ever they need it, whether it is money, help, a shoulder or an ear, or just the company, though it seems like when Daniel and I ever need it no one is there, or they say they will help though something ALWAYS pops up so they cant,
I'm honestly over it,, i well and truly am,

Bitter Sweet

So tomorrow is a very bitter sweet day, a day that i should be happy though i can see that most of it i will be in tears, Tomorrow is Daniel and I's 3rd year wedding anniversary that is the sweet part, though the bitter part is that it was the night that our sweet little angel Bryce was conceived so there will be happy thoughts and sad thoughts,

Daniel and I have been through so much in the past 3 years it feels like we have already lived a life time

I really know that it should be a happy day though even thinking about it no it really upsets me to the point there are tears, 

Somethings going on

Well i dont know what is happening with me lately though something is going on or is wrong,
over the past week i have been getting very very bad lower back pain, i have been that tired i almost fall alseep behind the wheel, i am moody as ANYTHING to the point the kids are just really getting to me (i know they are kids its not their fault and thats what kids do,) Im stressed out of my head, with trying to find work pay bills the kids health my health and just the running's of a normal house, and to top it off my breast have been really starting to hurt and for some reason all of a sudden i have milk again like WTF, i think i might have to book myself into the doctor to see whats going on though this lower back pain hurts/is really annoying its like an ache though throbbing at the same time

Doctor

So i have seen the doctor and he is really worried about my weight as i have been battleing an eating disorder since i was 19  somethings set it off and somethings dont, though i went and seen him about a few other things and yeah he made me jump on the scales and sure enough my weight has dropped because of the stress and so much running around that i am doing,
So he has basicly given me a month to get it back up to either 50 to 55kgs, or ill be re admitted into hospital to gain it again this will be the 3rd time it will have happend so they will not be nice about it this time i will have to have a nose feeding tube and have to be hooked up to it of a night.... im trying my hardest to gain the weight though im just not seeming to, i know i dont eat alot during the day though how can i when i am not hungry i cant force the food down my throat